


Yesterday's Feelings

by stelleshine



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Adultery, Alternate Universe - Future, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Anxiety, Artist Michael, Cake, Depression, F/M, Feelings, Fluff and Smut, High School Teacher Ashton, High School Teacher Calum, M/M, Mashton, Music Producer Luke, Past Relationship(s), Romance, Smut, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-06
Updated: 2015-08-01
Packaged: 2018-03-29 07:14:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 70,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3887116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stelleshine/pseuds/stelleshine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Calum Hood, 29, sits down to write his vows for his upcoming wedding. Inspiration is hard to find, and a (not so) subtle suggestion from his best friend, Michael Clifford, opens a door to his past he realizes he never really shut. </p><p>OR </p><p>Calum is engaged to be married, but the sudden reappearance of his ex puts everything into question.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. L-O-V-E

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, THANK YOU to everyone who clicked on the link to this story! It has been a labour of love I have been working on for the last little while, and my very first story in the 5 Seconds of Summer fandom! 
> 
> I originally wrote this in its entirety in one word document (all 170+ pages of it!) and I have split it into chapters - some are super long, others are a little short, but please bare with me, I promise that this story is worth reading. 
> 
> I like details, real aspects, and the fact I can write this as an Australian! It's nice not have to spell mum as "mom" to keep with the American writing I've done in the past! I especially love hearing thoughts and plot speculations! I promise that if you give me a lengthy comment, I will flail at you a little and answer any and all questions, and will definitely appreciate the time and effort you put into reading this story. :)
> 
> Thank you!

Calum sighed, leaning his cheek onto his hand as he looked at the blank page in front of him. Sitting down and trying to write his vows was becoming something he was dreading, despite the sweet, emotional advice his fiancé had given him; telling him to _write of a love story that stands the test of time_.

He figured that thinly veiled hint was to write about _their_ love story, but as Calum sat in his office on a rainy Thursday afternoon, the light rain making soccer practice impossible, he was grasping at straws. He wanted to write words that would make his beautiful bride cry, but a meaningful soliloquy was as far from his reach as he could imagine, and with another sigh, he turned his attention out the window.

The rain fell slowly, dampening the grass and framing everything with a dull grey. There was something Calum liked about rain in Sydney; the way it always gave him a chill no matter what the season was, or how it softened the harshness of the summer months. It was calming, and it reminded him of warm blankets and movie marathons.

After almost an hour of staring out at the sodden grass and students hurrying to the bus stop, Calum realized that he was no longer required to sit at his desk, that he could take his blank page home, and hope that tomorrow would bring the romantic words he was needing.

There was something nagging at him in the back of his mind, though. He thought that vows would’ve been easy, because how could it not be? He was twenty-nine and engaged to his best friend, who he’d known for the best part of eight years. She inspired him, adored him, and had made him want more from his life.

She had inspired the elaborate proposal in Paris almost a year previous, despite the fact they were residing in a hostel, too broke to do Paris the right way, but they just couldn’t wait. She’d always wanted to go, and promised he’d take her. 

He wished the vows would come as easy as the proposal had – completely raw and from the heart, the ring he’d held onto for nearly two months all of a sudden much too heavy in his pocket, and he could remember going down on one knee on the cobblestone street overlooking an overpriced bakery, as light rain fell down on top of them.

No matter how much he thought about Paris, or about her, he was still stuck. She was his reason for going to uni after spending a few years with a question mark hanging above his career. He’d been working in a bar, and she had insisted that he was worth more than that. It gave him the direction to become a teacher – something he’d always wanted to do, but never thought he’d be good enough.

There wasn’t anything glamourous about being a health and physical education teacher in a suburban Sydney high school, but he was happy. He’d entertained ideas of a music career when he was a teenager, but being a teacher had felt right; _was_ right.

There was absolutely no reason for him to be stumped when putting pen to paper. He checked his watch and let out a frustrated grunt, shoving the creased page back into his notebook and picked up his bag and headed for the door.

He guessed his vows would just have to wait.


	2. Getting Over You

“You haven’t started?”

Calum Hood rolled his eyes, tugging the large bowl out of his friend’s hands. “I’ve got time.”

Michael Clifford snorted. “You have six weeks. You do know she’s written hers, right? Did them months ago?”

“Yeah, thanks,” Calum responded sarcastically, shoving a handful of Doritos into his mouth and chewed thoughtfully. “You know, you could, I don’t know, help?”

Michael laughed through his mouthful of chips and looked around the room they were both in. “You think _I’m_ in a position to give you romantic advice?”

Calum took in the beaten and battered ‘man cave’ that Michael had dedicated a solid month to back when they were teenagers. Sometimes Calum was surprised that Michael was quite content to live at home, though his thirtieth birthday was approaching at a faster rate than Calum’s.

Calum would be _married_ by the time he was thirty.

“You can’t muster up anything? You’re the worst best man ever.”

Michael rolled his eyes. “I’ve told you – _repeatedly_ – that I’m _not_ going to be your best man.”

“Of course you are,” Calum scoffed, reaching for the chips again. “You can’t keep dodging the suit fittings.”

“And you can’t keep insisting I put on a penguin suit and stand up at a fucking altar while you ugly cry over a girl who’s too good for you anyway.”

Calum laughed, a few chip fragments falling from his mouth to land on his shirt. “You’re all I’ve got.”

Michael rolled his eyes. “You’ve got Ashton, who’s a better candidate than me.”

Calum shoved Michael’s shoulder and passed the chip bowl back to him. “Seriously,” he sighed. “She keeps _looking_ at me every time I come home. Like she can tell I haven’t written them.”

“Well, are you telling her you have?”

Calum bit at his bottom lip for a moment, shrugging a shoulder slowly. “Maybe?”

“She can smell your betrayal, then,” Michael snorted. “Seriously, you are the worst fucking liar.”

Calum sighed, kicking his heels up onto the coffee table, a frown creased onto his face. He couldn’t figure out the problem. He _loved_ this woman, with his entire heart. He’d been smitten since they met at twenty-one, and went into debt at twenty-five because he wanted to give her a white picket fence. He’d put a ring on her finger, and a promise in her heart that he was hers.

So why the hell couldn’t he put it onto paper?

“You should write about Luke.”

Calum looked over at Michael sharply, the name making his heart beat faster. He hadn’t heard that name in years.

“I can’t write about Luke.”

“Yes, you can,” Michael said pointedly. “It makes sense.”

“To write about the guy I dated before my fiancé?”

Michael pursed his lips together, trying to hide a wicked smirk. “He wasn’t just some guy you dated, Calum. You were in lo-“

“Whatever it was,” Calum interrupted hotly. “Is _over_ now.”

Michael had the sense not to reply, but his expression said it all. And what it said had Calum’s stomach twisting in knots, and all of a sudden the idea of writing his vows was sinking like a lead balloon.

**

He couldn’t write about Luke.

He’d packed away all the memories of him after they’d broken up. It was right before he’d met her, only a few months after losing Luke.

He was moving to LA, and Calum had broken up with him. It had made sense at the time, being only twenty-one and faced with the decision to love Luke long-distance, or to not love him at all.

Even though they’d broken up, Calum didn’t stop loving him. Didn’t fight quite so hard when his mother would mention she’d spoken to Liz Hemmings, wouldn’t pretend to hate to see the photos that Ashton would receive via text, or a screenshot of studio time he’d booked with one of his favourite bands. He was writing music, and collaborating with people he’d only ever dreamed of working with.

And Calum was _happy_ for him. He honestly was. It didn’t mean his chest didn’t ache when he thought about the younger man, but then he’d met her, and she managed to ease the pain that loving Luke had caused.

The last Calum had heard was that one of Luke’s songs – the most beautiful song Calum had ever heard – was going to be honoured in some type of hall of fame kind of deal. He was fuzzy on the details, but the post had popped up on his Twitter feed for some unrelated reason, and he’d remembered seeing Luke’s Twitter handle, and abruptly closed the screen.

So he lost himself in her, and it was easy to do. She was perfection, and everything he needed after the deep and painful relationship he’d had with Luke. He needed light and fluidity and he had to feel like he was flying, not falling. And she gave him that.

That, and more.

But ever since Michael had said his name, Calum hadn’t been able to get Luke off his mind. He’d wake up thinking of him, of his pale, flat abdomen that was so ticklish he’d turn violent just to get Calum to stop tickling him. His flat bed hair and perfect smile and even the disgusting scent of morning breath that Calum would overlook, just to get a kiss first thing.

He never let _her_ kiss him before brushing their teeth.

“I fucking hate you Michael Clifford,” Calum whispered under his breath, balling up the blank sheet of paper in front of him.

He only had another twenty minutes left of his lunch break, and he knew that inspiration wasn’t going to strike anytime soon.

He got up and left his office, a small three by three room down by the school oval, and headed out into the hall towards the art department. He could hear the steady staccato beat of drums, and he heaved a sigh of relief when he found the music room abandoned, save for the teacher behind an aging drum kit.

“Help.”

Ashton Irwin grinned, setting the sticks down reverently, and eased up off his stool. “Vows still, huh?”

Calum nodded, dragging himself toward the front of the room and easily lifted himself up onto the small stage Ashton was on.

“Michael told me he fucked up,” Ashton commented, joining Calum at the edge of the stage, their legs hanging off. “Mentioned Luke.”

Calum nodded, the sound of his name feeling like a gunshot to the chest.

“You can’t marry her if you’re still in love with him.”

Calum looked at him with a mix of horror and guilt, and quickly looked away when he realized that Ashton was right.

But at the same time, he was _wrong_.

Calum hadn’t thought about Luke in months. There was no more pining, no more desperation to hear his voice. He had moved on, and he was happy with his decision. He assumed Luke had done the same, had started a new life with someone else, and was happy to leave the past in the past.

But why did that thought break Calum’s heart?

“It’s not like that,” he sighed tiredly. “He’s always going to be special to me, but we’re not together anymore. Haven’t been in the last eight years.”

“But,” Ashton countered, his expression apologetic. “The mere mention of his name has got you all worked up.”

“Things didn’t end how they should’ve,” Calum said softly. “He just _left_. He didn’t stop and fight for me, he didn’t fight for _us_.”

“You broke up with him,” Ashton said gently. “What is a guy supposed to do? Beg?”

Calum sighed. “I know, okay? I really thought I was past all this.”

He pushed himself off of the stage and landed easily on his feet, and began to pace down the aisle of desks.

“Look, can I offer some advice?”

“What sort of advice?” Calum asked wearily.

Ashton smiled. “You could call him? Say what you need to say so you can move on and get married in four weeks.”

“No offense, but that’s the worst advice I’ve heard in a while,” Calum said softly. “It’s better if I just forget him again. I need to write my vows and get my final suit fitting done, and I have to go and plan the menu for the reception and somehow evict Michael from his delusions _and_ man cave, so he can act like a fucking best man.”

“Still not budging, huh?” Ashton asked, hooking a wayward curl behind his ear. “Good luck with that, man.”

Calum smiled. “I know it’s shitty of me to ask, but you know Michael and there is every chance he will not get out of bed on my wedding day, thus throwing out the whole bridal party into disarray…you’ll step up, right?”

Ashton eased down off the stage and approached Calum, his hands cupping his shoulders. “I’ll be there,” he promised. “I’ve already pre-written a best man speech for Michael, and I can sub in if need be.”

Calum sighed. “Why didn’t I just pick you in the first place?”

Ashton grinned. “Michael never would’ve let you hear the end of it,” he supplied with a light chuckle. “Despite the horrific social anxiety, he wants to be there for you.”

“Sometimes I think his _social anxiety_ is too fucking convenient when he wants to get out of something.”

“Maybe so,” Ashton agreed, patting his shoulder. “But that’s Michael, and we promised his mum before she passed that we’d take care of him.”

Calum pressed his lips together and let his thoughts drift to Karen Clifford and her short but painful battle with breast cancer. It was really the only time he’d seen Michael so completely devoid of life. He could remember taking time off work to move in with Michael, sleeping beside him and reminding him to eat.

It took him three weeks before he’d say much more than ‘yes’ or ‘no’, and Calum waited patiently, and let Michael unload his grief before he was satisfied that he’d remember to eat and bathe and take care of himself, and his dad, before he went home.

“You’ve got Leighton too, right?”

Calum nodded. “And Jack in the wings in case Michael fucks up.”

Ashton pursed his lips. “That’s not weird for you? I mean, Jack is a painful reminder of Luke.”

Calum wasn’t sure why he’d stuck by his friendship with Jack after Luke had left. He was a good dude, and never once tried to apologize on Luke’s behalf. He wouldn’t mention his name, wouldn’t pass along information like Liz always tried to do. They were just mates, and apart from meeting to play golf every few weeks, they didn’t actively seek one another out, but somehow, Calum had ended up in Jack’s bridal party when he’d married Celeste almost four years ago.

It was the last time he’d seen Luke, too.

There were times when he’d been home – Liz always phoned Calum’s mum to casually drop into conversation that her baby was home – but Calum had been lucky enough to avoid him. But the wedding was unavoidable. He couldn’t turn around without bumping into a Hemmings, but he was particularly glad that Luke was not one of the people he’d been running into.

They hadn’t done anything more than made lingering eye contact, despite standing stoic in the bridal party, Ben stuck between the two of them. He’d made an awkward joke or two, but had learnt that silence was the best option, and Calum had been relieved when the ceremony was over, and he could escape into the arms of his girlfriend for a much needed hug.

It became easy to forget Luke, when he wasn’t around. There would be times he’d turn on the radio, and hear the latest pop punk song from a band in Atlantic City, a song that just _sounded_ like Luke. If Calum was honest, some of his favourite songs were the ones penned by his ex.

“I probably would’ve had Jack over Leighton, but uh, _someone_ thought it wasn’t a good idea,” Calum said pointedly, a hesitant smile on his face.

“Can you blame her? She knows nothing about you and Luke,” Ashton explained. “Jack is a reminder of your first serious relationship that you refuse to talk about.”

Calum wrinkled his nose and sighed, his shoulders slumping in defeat. “Want to get a beer after work? Maybe take a six pack over to Mikey?”

“He’s not got that thing today?”

Calum frowned. “Shit, you’re right. Did you get a call?”

Ashton fished his iPhone out of his pocket and pressed the button to illuminate the screen. “Nope. You?”

Calum shook his head. “Must mean he took the meds without a song and dance.”

Ashton smiled. “How the hell is he a famous anime artist without leaving his house?”

Calum snorted.  “Apparently the occupational gods look down on the emotionally needy.”

“Then why the hell am I a high school teacher?” Ashton joked.

Calum could remember meeting Ashton a few weeks after meeting Luke. They’d been a package deal; attached at the hip. They’d been neighbours for their entire lives, and best friends for the same amount of time, and when Luke had left, Ashton stuck around. Calum couldn’t really imagine life without him.

“So, beers at mine then?”

“Sure,” Ashton agreed easily. “I’ll bring the beer.”

**

“There she is, lady of the house.” Calum grinned and dropped to his knees, welcoming the excited ball of fluff into his arms. Scooby Hood was possibly the most spoiled dog in the history of pet ownership, but Calum had a lifetime of dog loving to do.

She’d been his twenty-eighth birthday present, and after a few rough months of toilet training and puppy preschool, she was his perfect little sidekick, always happy to curl up on his lap while he watched soccer, and always snuggled close in bed.

“Where’s the _other_ lady?” Ashton questioned, amusement in his voice as he knelt down to pat the Maltese affectionately.

“It’s Thursday, so Zumba till eight,” Calum supplied, and put the six-pack of Corona down on the kitchen counter.

“Hey, this is prime vow-writing time,” Ashton pointed out, easing onto one of the stools at the bench, reaching for a bottle. He cracked the top off quickly and took a sip, setting the bottle down on the marble surface.

“Can we seriously not talk about that?” Calum sighed, getting a beer for himself. “I think I need to ease off with all the pressure.”

Ashton nodded, taking another sip so he wouldn’t call Calum out on his bullshit answer.

“I know,” Calum sighed, able to sense the dig Ashton would undoubtedly give if he thought there was a point to saying it. “Ignorance is bliss, right?”

Ashton laughed, shrugging his shoulders. “I guess so, but who I am I to give advice on the subject of love?”

“Hey, you’re plenty qualified,” Calum insisted.

“I’ve been single for four years,” Ashton said pointedly.

“But you haven’t been celibate,” Calum smirked. “What about that guy, what was his name? You introduced us last New Years.”

“Scott?” Ashton supplied. “Yeah, that didn’t even make it to midnight.”

Calum laughed. “Well what’s stopping you from getting out there, hm? There was that really nice guy who hit on you last week at Fitzy’s.”

“I’m not dating anyone I meet at a bar,” Ashton insisted. “Look, I’m not worried. I’ve got you, and Michael, and Harry is learning to drive so I’m mostly concerned with not dying.”

Calum laughed, taking a long pull from his beer. “How is he? Last year of high school, right?”

Ashton nodded. “I can’t believe it, really. He’s doing really well, he’ll probably get his first preference and enrol at a music school in the city once he’s graduated.”

“You mean, like his big brother,” Calum teased.

Ashton laughed. “Something like that.”

Calum smiled, leaning against the counter. “You still talk to him, right?”

Ashton sighed wearily. “I always said I never wanted to be put in the middle,” he began. “And that still stands.”

“I know,” Calum said softly. “But…he’s good? Happy?”

Ashton shrugged. “He’s Luke. There’s not much more I can say. He’s Luke and he’s fine, and that’s all you need to know, four weeks out from your wedding.”

Calum bit down on his bottom lip guiltily. He didn’t know why he couldn’t just let go and leave Luke in the past.

“Does he ask about me?”

“Okay, seriously?” Ashton asked. “We’ve gone almost eight years without you asking me something like that, so I’m not going to answer you.”

“No, I know, you’re right,” Calum said quickly. “I’m sorry, it’s a dick move to ask, and it puts you in the middle and that’s not fair.”

Ashton nodded and finished his beer, setting the empty down. “You’ve moved on, remember?”

Calum nodded. “Yeah, of course. Sorry Ash. It’s just messing with my head.”

Ashton reached out and laid his hand on Calum’s forearm. “It’s alright to be messed up about it. It’s not alright to let it fuck up your entire life.”

Calum was trying, he honestly was. He didn’t want to be stuck thinking about Luke all the time, or wondering what he was up to; who he was writing with, who did he live with, who he was _sleeping_ with.

It was just unresolved tension from their break up, and his nerves for the upcoming wedding. This was usually when the skeletons in the closet started making themselves known, and he knew he just needed to get it out of his system before he got married, simple as that.

He opened his mouth to change the subject when the doorbell rang, and he smiled ruefully at Ashton.

“One sec.”

He headed back towards the foyer with Scooby at his heels as her cheerful barks resounded in the quiet house. Her excitement was always catching, and Calum was smiling widely when he opened the door, a bored looking Australia Post delivery worker on the other side.

“Delivery for Hood, initials C and T.”

“That’s me,” Calum nodded, looking at the A4 envelope in his hands.

“Sign here,” the delivery man intoned, handing over the handheld device for Calum to scrawl his signature on, and passed him the envelope once he’d completed the task.

He left without another word, and Calum eased the door shut as he tucked the flat envelope under his arm and headed back to the kitchen.

“What, did you order your vows online?” Ashton teased, eyeing the envelope.

Calum laughed and put it down on the counter. “I wish, man. That would solve all these stress headaches.”

Ashton picked up the envelope and turned it over in his hands, his smile slipping. “Uh, Cal?”

Calum reached for another beer and twisted the top off, raising an eyebrow at his friend.

Ashton licked his lips and held out the envelope. “You might want to open this.”

Calum frowned, swallowing heavily and took the envelope from Ashton, turning it over. “What?”

Ashton pointed to the return address label and frowned.

Calum leant forward to see the small sticker decal. “Hi or Hey Records?”

Ashton nodded, his hazel eyes boring into Calum’s.

“Hi or Hey,” Calum mused softly.

“Jesus, get there faster,” Ashton griped.

Calum frowned, looking at the sticker again before letting a soft, almost inaudible gasp. “That’s…that’s Luke’s record label.”

Ashton nodded.

“Hi or Hey Records,” Calum repeated. “W-why would someone from his record label be sending me something?”

“Seriously?” Ashton questioned. “You think someone _besides_ Luke would be sending you something?”

“Well, you would know!” Calum demanded hotly. “You two talk all the time! Has he mentioned anything?”

“No!” Ashton insisted. “I’m as surprised as you are.”

“I beg to differ,” Calum muttered, his fingers trembling slightly against the envelope.

“Do you want me to go so you can open it?” Ashton offered.

“No,” Calum scoffed. “Don’t be silly. It’s just an envelope.”

He knew he had to back it up by _opening_ said envelope, but Calum felt sick at the idea of what might be inside. He couldn’t pick a single possibility out of the millions of thoughts running through his mind, and the more he tried to guess, the more light headed he felt.

He took hold of the envelope and ripped the easy open tab quickly, peering inside cautiously. There was a flash drive and an envelope, and a manila folder with his name on it. He swallowed thickly and reached in, pulling the three items out.

There was nothing special about the flash drive; just a simple USB stick that could hold a multitude of things. The small envelope was unmarked and unassuming as well, but the manila folder looked official; _important_.

“Open the letter,” Ashton urged.

Calum picked up the envelope and left the folder, for now. He tore open the flap and pulled out a folded piece of paper. He opened it slowly, his stomach sinking as he caught sight of Luke’s illegible handwriting.

_No, no, no, no, this isn’t happening._

“It’s from Luke,” Ashton murmured softly.

Calum sagged back against the opposite counter and opened the page fully. He smoothed it out against his thigh before chancing a look at Ashton. The other man was leaning forward with interest, his beer forgotten to his left.

“I’m not reading it out loud,” Calum said flatly.

“Fair enough,” Ashton countered. “I get to read it after you though, right?”

Calum’s lips quirked up into a quick smile. “Like I’d be able to keep you away.”

Ashton flashed a toothy grin, and Calum’s eyes slid back towards the paper.

_Cal –_

_Hey! So, I know how olden days this is, writing a letter and actually dropping it at the post office, but I realized I didn’t have your number or your email, and my mum supplied me with your address – I hope you don’t mind!_

_To cut to the chase, I need to ask you something. You know when we were kids and screwing around with song writing? Well, I dug some of those relics up a month or so ago, and I’ve been playing around. I think I’ve found the perfect band for one of our songs, Cal._

_There’s no way I would ever use it without asking you first, and I promise, if you’re not cool with it, I’ll drop it completely. All of our rough cuts are on the flash drive – please take a listen and have a laugh at the sound of our prepubescent voices and our shoddy guitar work. There’s even a video of you, Mikey and me with Ash’s shitty attempt at filming, too._

_In the folder is a contract. Basically, if you consent to me using the song, you’ll get a cut of whatever profit it makes. I don’t want to buy it off you, I really don’t believe in that. It came from you and me, and should stay that way, no matter what medium it flows through._

_I’ve included my business card with my number and email, please let me know what you think. I’ll be in town late next week (Liz is sixty, as I’m sure you know!) so if you want to catch up and talk the contract over, I’m more than happy to. Hell, I’d even love to meet up for a beer without talking business._

_Either way, call me, email me, say hello. I’m busy, but I’ll make time to get back to you._

_Xo_

_Luke_

“Jesus fucking Christ.”

“What?”

Calum groaned, a wounded sound escaping his lips. He pushed off the counter and slammed the page down in front of Ashton, making an empty beer bottle threaten to fall. Ashton caught it easily, and tried to get Calum’s attention, but the other man was still whimpering pitifully, his eyes crushed shut.

“You didn’t tell me he was coming back for Liz’s sixtieth,” Calum accused, looking over at Ashton.

“He is?” He reached for the letter. “Honestly, he didn’t mention it when we last spoke.”

Calum groaned, wanting to tear the page into pieces, at the same time wanting to preserve it, just as it was.

“Can I read it?”

“Go for it,” Calum sighed tiredly, picking up the flash drive and left Ashton to read the letter, heading into the living room where his laptop was sitting on charge. He didn’t take the device back to the kitchen, wanting whatever he heard off the flash drive to be privy to him, and only him.

He booted up the computer, and quickly inserted the USB into its designated slot and waited impatiently for the media to load. He swore under his breath as each second felt like hours, and despite how time seemed to stand still, he still wasn’t ready when the folder opened.

There were three audio files, two videos, and four word documents. All the file names were different versions of IYDK, and Calum felt a sick feeling rise in his stomach.

Not _that_ song. Anything but _that_ song.

He pressed his eyes shut against the burn of tears before double clicking on one of the audio files. It was old and the speakers crackled, and he could hear Luke’s laughter in the background.

_“Wait, wait, I’m not ready!”_

_Audio Calum laughed. “When will you be ready? It’s been recording for thirteen seconds!”_

_Audio Luke snorted. “Lemme get a pick!”_

The audio went silent for a moment before the opening guitar work of the song started, and tears forced their way down Calum’s cheeks. Luke’s voice was fifteen years plus younger, but it was still Luke. Still that haunting, addictive sound that Calum couldn’t get enough of.

He always believed – and still did – that Luke was on the wrong side of the mixing board. Despite his ability to write beautiful songs, he should be singing them, as well.

There was some muffled laughter before Luke launched into the first chorus, and Calum’s voice joined his. The words were too real, and he was catapulted back eight years when he’d made the decision to break up with Luke.

_If you don’t know, then just let me go._

The sick feeling didn’t dissipate as Calum heard his own shaky, immature voice begin the second chorus, the words and music combining as they lifted into what was probably Calum’s most favourite verse he’d ever written.

His voice shook and wobbled and he stumbled more than once, but Luke’s gentle laughter was there to boost him along, and he managed to finish with a surprised laugh of his own.

The audio faded out and Calum’s cheeks were wet with tears, and he could feel a headache forming at the base of his skull.

He tugged the flash drive out of the computer, tempted to burn it or flush it down the toilet, but he could only close his hand around it tightly, feeling the plastic dig into the flesh of his palm.

“ _If You Don’t Know_ , huh?”

Calum looked up at Ashton. “Did you know?” he demanded angrily. “Did you know he was going to do this to me?”

Ashton held up his hands, shaking his head. “Honestly no, Cal. Jesus, I wouldn’t do that to you. He never mentioned it, never even said he was looking at the old stuff.”

Calum’s shoulders sagged. “He’s going to be here and he’ll want to talk about the song, and I just…I _can’t_ , Ash.”

Ashton padded over the thick cream carpeting and sat down beside Calum on the couch. “I can talk to him, if you want?”

Calum shook his head. “No, don’t. We’re fucking grownups, remember? I’ll just sign the contract and give him the rights to the song and that’ll be it.”

“He doesn’t want rights,” Ashton pointed out. “He wants your permission to use it. You’d still part own it.”

“I don’t want it,” Calum stressed. “We wrote that when we were fifteen. It doesn’t mean the same now as it did then.”

Ashton plucked a tissue from the box on the coffee table, and handed it to Calum. “Doesn’t it?”

**

Calum lied effortlessly when she got home and he was already in bed. She always had excess energy after Zumba, bouncing around the room as she prepared for her shower, telling him of all the interesting moments of her day.

He listened – he honestly did – but when she disappeared into the bathroom to shower, he found that he couldn’t hear anything over the sound of his heart racing in his chest. It had been that way since Ashton had cuddled him for an hour while he cried, every single emotion coming back to hit him in the gut.

Thoughts of Luke, of what might’ve been, of what him coming home could mean…it all came to the surface along with the painful guilt.

He was _engaged_ , yet totally floored and wrapped up in the idea of his ex. He had to let Luke go, he was getting married in less than a month to a woman who loved him, and he couldn’t – _wouldn’t –_ let her down.

But he fell asleep to the thought of Luke; of his blue eyes and dimples, and the styled blonde hair Calum had always loved running his fingers through. He thought of Luke’s hipbones, and his tight calf muscles and the sounds he made when they were intimate. He could hear each moan and whimper of his name like it had happened only yesterday.

He’d woken up the next morning with a migraine and hadn’t hesitated to call into work, burying himself underneath the covers as she left for work.

**

“What happened to being a grown up?”

“Yeah, you’re pretty fucking pitiful.”

Calum peeled back the comforter and glared at Ashton and Michael. “Fuck you. Both of you.”

“Hey,” Ashton said gently. “I got Mikey out of his man cave to come over and cheer you up.”

“I don’t care,” Calum muttered from under the covers.

Michael sighed dramatically and flopped down on the bed, scurrying around until he was crawling underneath the sheets. “I’ll have you know, I’m a pro at ignoring the world and sulking in bed,” he pointed out once he’d found Calum.

“Then you’ll listen to me when I tell you to fuck off?” Calum griped.

“Did _you_ ever fuck off when I told you to?”

Calum managed a small smile. “Point taken. Did he tell you?”

“About the letter and the song? Yep. Fucking brutal, man.”

Calum sighed and rolled onto his back. “I just don’t _know_ , Mikey. I’ve been good for years; since Jack’s wedding. I got engaged and moved on, and now he’s back. He’s _everywhere_.”

Their conversation was interrupted as Ashton threw himself on to the bed, and wriggled around until he joined them under the covers.

“Welcome,” Michael said warmly, throwing an arm over Ashton’s chest. “Calum is still in love with Luke.”

Calum sighed, pressing his eyes shut. “I’m not _in love_ with Luke,” he insisted.

“You’re _something_ with Luke,” Michael insisted.

“I’m confused,” Calum insisted. “He just sends me a flash drive and a letter after eight years? We lost touch, and that was fine with me. I moved on, and now he blindsides me?”

“Do you still have feelings for him?” Ashton asked delicately.

“I don’t know!” Calum insisted. “You can’t ask me that, twenty-four days out from my wedding to someone else!”

“Hate to play devil’s advocate Cal, but that’s _exactly_ the question that needs to be asked,” Michael pointed out. “You need to figure it out before you marry her, otherwise you’re a piece of shit.”

“Michael,” Ashton warned.

“No, he’s right,” Calum sighed. “I can’t stand up there and pledge my life to her if I’m thinking about Luke.”

“So what’s the solution?” Ashton asked.

Calum pressed his eyes shut and sighed. “I have to talk to Luke.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy long chapter, Batman! I would apologize for the length, but I know - as an avid reader - that the longer, the better! I hope you all agree! Now you've got to known our four main characters, and get an insight of just how complicated Calum and Luke's relationship was. 
> 
> I really didn't want to split this chapter, and when I read it, I knew it had to be read all in one go. I know a lot happens, but I'm incredibly proud, and I hope you all enjoy!
> 
> Special thanks to ibroughtyoumybullets & thatfangirlingfreak for their comments, I appreciate it so much!
> 
> xoxo


	3. Buried Myself Alive

“Hemmings. N-no, H-E-M-M- No! Don’t put me on hold!” Calum groaned, clutching his phone tightly in his hand as the familiar instrumental music started playing in his ear.

He’d been trying to get connected to Luke for the last twenty minutes, but each time someone picked up, it wasn’t Luke on the other end.

He had a class to teach in a half hour, and he wasn’t sure if he’d even get through, and there was a part of him that wished he wouldn’t.

If he was doing his math correctly, Luke would be in town over the next few days, but Calum couldn’t have this conversation face to face. It was the coward’s option, but he didn’t have the strength to keep himself from melting into Luke’s ocean blue eyes.

“Hi or Hey Records, this is Charmaine.”

Calum grit his teeth. “Hi Charmaine,” he greeted steadily. “I’m hoping you can help me. I’m trying to reach Luke Hemmings, but I’ve been chasing my tail for twenty minutes.”

“Oh Mr Hemmings isn’t in the office today,” she told him, her voice chipper. The time difference put LA at almost two in the afternoon.

“He’s not in the office?” Calum repeated.

“I can put you through to his assistant?”

“Please.”

He was met with more inane music, and he sighed, pressing his eyes shut as he waited.

“Hello, this is Sarah.”

Calum sighed. “Hi. I’m looking for Luke Hemmings.”

“And you are?” Her voice was clipped.

Calum clenched his jaw. “This is Calum Hood.”

“Mr Hood,” her tone was suddenly soft and breezy. “Mr Hemmings said to expect a call from you.”

Calum wondered how Luke knew he’d call. It made him smile to think that the other man still knew him, oh so well.

“Could I possibly speak to him?”

“He’s out of town on personal business,” she told him. “He flew out this morning.”

“For Sydney?” Calum asked, his throat dry.

“Mhm,” she assented. “He’ll be away for ten days. I can let him know you called.”

Calum shook his head, sitting up straighter in his seat. “No, it’s fine. I have a feeling I’ll run into him sooner or later.”

He hung up the phone without saying goodbye, a weird mix of fear and exhilaration running through him. He’d spent the past few days since he’d received Luke’s letter thinking of what they’d say to each other. If there would be anything to talk about after eight long years.

He wondered if Luke still wore Lynx body spray, if he still had the small ring of metal through his bottom lip, and if he still styled his blonde hair like he did when he was eighteen. He wondered how tall Luke was, if he still had Calum’s old LA Lakers t-shirt he’d never been able to find after Luke had moved away.

“Hey, how’d it go?”

Calum looked up to see Ashton in the doorway, an expectant look on his face.

“He’s on his way here.”

“Oh,” Ashton commented. “He said he was leaving Wednesday…but today is Thursday here which is Wednesday there…” he trailed off. “Sorry.”

Calum shook his head, waving Ashton into the room. “Don’t be. I really should apologize to you. I’ve been kind of a jerk lately, and taking it out on you.”

Ashton perched on the edge of Calum’s neat desk. “I love you, Cal. You’re one of my best friends, and I’m here for you. I just wish I could be more help.”

Calum managed a sad smile. “I wish this wasn’t happening. I need Luke to stay in LA, and I need my memories of him to fade. But now I’ll see him, Saturday night, at Liz’s party, and there’s no way I’ll get out of it.”

“Have you told her?”

“No,” Calum sighed. “That’s just another thing to add to the list of reasons why I’m a shitty fiancé. She’ll have questions, I know she will. She never understood me and Luke.”

“Do _you_ understand you and Luke?” Ashton questioned.

“No,” Calum admitted ruefully. “I keep going back to when we broke up, how he was sad but accepting, and how he kissed me for the last time. It wasn’t a _I’ll never kiss you again_ kiss. It was an _until next time_ kind of kiss.”

“You know Luke,” Ashton smiled. “He loved you, and I don’t think it sunk in that you broke up. Not for a while.”

Calum rubbed at his temples. “I keep thinking about her, too. I met her a month after I broke up with Luke. Does that make her a rebound? Does that mean that our entire relationship was just a by-product of my broken heart with Luke?”

“Hey,” Ashton eased, moving to touch Calum’s shoulder. “You love her, that’s true. It doesn’t matter how it started, you want to spend the rest of your life with her, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Calum said softly, and he hated how the words weren’t said with conviction.

“See Luke on Saturday, get a feel for how things are, and then do some soul searching.”

Calum reached out and latched onto Ashton’s wrist. “What if…what if I’m still in love with him?” he whispered.

Ashton smiled sadly. “Then…at least you know before the wedding.”

Calum groaned softly, feeling tears burn at his eyes. He put his head in his hands, wondering how he was getting into bed beside her at night and telling her he loves her, while he couldn’t stop thinking about someone else.

“I can sub for your class if you want to get out of here,” Ashton offered.

Calum shook his head, lifting it out of his hand. “No, but thanks, man. I’ve got a health quiz to land on my year nine’s and the sadistic part of me wants to see the look on their faces.”

Ashton laughed, clapping him on the shoulder. “Well I’m probably going home for dinner tonight – Lauren’s cooking. She’s got her new boyfriend coming over, and Harry wants me to play the overprotective big brother angle.”

Calum grinned. “You _are_ the overprotective big brother, though.”

“Exactly,” Ashton grinned back. “Won’t be much of a stretch.”

“Well good luck,” Calum smiled. “Good luck to the kid, too. He’ll need it.”

Ashton held up his hand like a pistol, and pointed at Calum before disappearing into the hall.

Calum spent the remaining fifteen minutes before class converting time zones on Google, and estimating Luke’s time of arrival at the airport.

**

“How was your day?”

Calum sighed, finding the simple question grate on his nerves. “Okay, uneventful,” he sighed, pulling back the covers on their bed.

She smiled, easing the diamond studs out of her ears – a birthday gift from Calum. “Friday tomorrow, honey. Do you have soccer practice?”

“Mhm,” he answered, slipping in between the cool sheets.

If there was one thing he hated, it was top sheets. He never understood the need for them. They got in the way of creating a blanket burrito, and Luke had always loved sleeping cocooned.

 _Luke_.

“…getting Liz a charm bracelet, what do you think?”

Calum blinked over at her as she got into bed, tugging the covers up to her waist. “Uh, sure,” he answered noncommittally. “Whatever you think is best.”

She frowned. “What’s the matter? You’re not here.”

He forced a tired smile. “I guess the end of year is looming and that’s when the pressure comes,” he explained. “Plus, the wedding, and taking time off for Mauritius in September will be a squeeze.”

“I told you we didn’t have to go on our honeymoon straight away,” she chided. “I’ll get the cheap tickets in the off season too.”

Calum nodded, plumping his pillow before lying down. “How was your day?”

“Oh, same old,” she smiled, reaching over to shut off the lamp. “There’s a last minute travel expo this Saturday they want me to go to. There’s new cruise packages from P & O that the agency has been privy to, and we want to strike fast before anyone else can release them.”

Calum nodded. “So you’ll be gone?”

She pouted. “Yeah. I’ll have to meet you at the party. I couldn’t get out of it, honey. But I figured you’d be with your friends, and maybe you could finalize Michael’s suit? It’s getting down to the wire.”

Calum sighed and nodded obediently.

“Get some sleep, you look exhausted.”

He smiled, leaning over to press a dry kiss to her cheek before rolling onto his side; away from her. He listened to her wriggle until she got comfortable, her arm sliding over his waist as she snuggled into his back.

Calum could remember Luke spooning him, all gangly long legs and strong arms around his chest. It wasn’t often that the younger man wasn’t the one being spooned, Calum had always loved curling his arm protectively around Luke, burying his nose in the soft strands of blonde hair at the base of his neck.

Luke would snuffle in his sleep, nose pressing into his pillow, and Calum would press closer against his back. It was probably the only time he ever felt truly close to someone – to _Luke –_ was when they were sleeping side by side.

**

“Can I remind you all that your health assessment assignments are due NEXT Friday!” Calum called over the din of his year nine class. “I’m accepting first drafts from Monday, and I suggest you take advantage of that!”

He stifled a smile as most of his students ignored him and all convened at the door, desperate to get out of their last class for the week.

He didn’t blame them; if it weren’t for the mass traffic jam of students at the door, he’d be running out himself. He wasn’t in the headspace for teaching, or for much else but thinking about Luke. He’d be landing soon, if not already, and Calum was terrified to think that Luke would try and contact him.

He wasn’t ready, and he didn’t think he’d _ever_ be ready to have that conversation. Not when he wasn’t sure how he felt, despite his dreams being clouded with memories of Luke. He’d zone out during soccer practice and imagine all the times he’d convinced Luke to play goal keeper so he could work on his game.

“Mr Hood?”

Calum looked over as Ashton inched his way into his room as the last of the students filed out, and he managed a smile for his friend.

“Practice?” Ashton asked.

Calum nodded, reaching for his messenger bag and shoved a few folders inside. “You tagging along?”

Ashton paused. “I, uh. Luke landed about an hour ago.”

Calum swallowed thickly and tried to quell his upset stomach.

“We’re getting a drink tonight. You could come?”

Calum shook his head, managing a tight smile. “Thanks, but no thanks. I’m hoping to avoid him at all costs.”

“He said to invite you, so…”Ashton trailed off.

Calum sighed and sat down heavily in his seat. It creaked under his weight, and Calum wished it would break underneath him and send him to the hospital. Anything to avoid Luke.

“Does he know I’m getting married?”

Ashton shrugged. “I’m sure his mum told him. I never mentioned it, but you never know.”

Calum nodded. “Can you just, make an excuse for me tonight? I’ve got practice and then I plan to drink a little and watch the stupid fucking videos on the flash drive,” he admitted honestly with a humourless laugh.

“Cal, “Ashton sighed.

“I know,” he interjected. “We’re grown ups. But I’m exercising the right to stick to my immature ways for just another night, before I have to see him tomorrow.”

“This isn’t healthy,” Ashton pointed out.

“I know,” Calum smiled ruefully. “But is there anything about this situation that is?”

“It’s Luke, Cal. Not some scary monster from your past. It’s _Luke_. First love, first kiss, first time.”

“I _know_!” Calum groaned in frustration. “Which makes this all ten times worse! This isn’t just a fling walking back into my life, it’s _Luke_. And what I hate the most was that stupid letter. He talked to me like it’s been eight minutes since we last spoke, not eight years. He called me _Cal_ , and he hasn’t done that since he left. He is everything I remember and more, and I’m getting _married_ in three weeks!”

Ashton put a hand on Calum’s shoulder. “Go home. I’ll take practice, you need to chill out and figure this out.”

“I’ve been trying for two weeks now, trying to figure this out. I can’t get him off my mind, I can’t stop thinking about seeing him tomorrow night. I can’t stop, Ash.”

“Go see Mikey,” Ashton suggested. “He might be better at this than me.”

Calum shrugged, letting out a defeated sigh. “Yeah, maybe. I don’t know.”

“Is she working late tonight?”

“Yeah, there’s some travel expo tomorrow too. She’ll meet me for Liz’s party.”

“Then take advantage of having the house to yourself. Pry Mikey out of the man cave with pizza, and watch cheap horror movies until Michael convinces you he needs to stay over for you, when he’s full of shit and scared out of his mind.”

Calum laughed. “Yeah, that sounds good.”

“Can you promise me that you’ll try to relax? You might see him tomorrow and feel nothing.”

Calum smiled. “I hope you’re right.”

“I always am,” Ashton grinned. “Now go before I change my mind.”

**

“You’re full of shit, Clifford.”

Michael snorted. “Explain how I’m full of shit exactly.”

Calum laughed, wedging his phone against his ear with his shoulder as he juggled a large bowl of salted peanuts and three bottles of beer as he navigated his way back to the living room.

So far, he and Michael had watched _The Blair Witch Project_ and _The Texas Chainsaw Massacre_ , and Michael was insisting that the girlish scream they’d both heard had _not_ come from him.

“Of course it was you,” Calum scoffed, landing on the couch as he reached for the remote from where it was paused on _Halloween_. “Michael Myers popped through the closet for Jamie Lee, and you shit yourself.”

Michael snorted again. “You’re deaf, Hood. There’s no way in hell I fell for that, I’ve seen this movie twenty goddamn times!”

“Yeah, alright,” Calum said sarcastically. “In three, two, one.” He unpaused the movie at the same time as Michael, and settled in to watch some more.

They watched the next half an hour without incident, until Calum’s bowl of peanuts were gone, and he was a beer and a half down.

“Luke called me.”

Calum sighed. “I need to not think about him. That’s why I wanted you to come over.”

“I know,” Michael murmured. “You get why, right? Just…you sprang it on me and you know how I get when there are last minute plans…”

“I know,” Calum said softly. “I’m not mad, honest. I just wanted a night off from thinking about Luke.”

There was rustling on Michael’s end. “I’m sorry, Cal. That this is happening and that you’re so confused. I know I can be blunt and kind of a jerk, but I mean that. I remember how you were after he left, and how much it killed you to say goodbye.”

Calum pressed his eyes shut, Jamie Lee Curtis’ plight long forgotten. Luke had wormed his way back into his head, and he just felt tired all of a sudden. The constant thoughts were exhausting, and he needed separation.

“Do you ever wonder why Rob Zombie only stopped after two _Halloween_ remakes?”

“What?”

“Think about it,” Michael said. “The first remake was fucking insane, like I couldn’t believe I could love _Halloween_ anymore, and then he went and released his version. Like, holy fuck, I couldn’t comprehend it. The second one was okay – not as good as the first – but still a solid film. But then he just, stopped. I wonder why.”

Calum smiled. “Thanks, Mikey.”

“Anytime.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the long delay between chapters! There may have been an extremely late night after a Backstreet Boys concert and only two hours of sleep before work...I guess I'm as young as I used to be :P
> 
> Thank you to everyone who read the last chapter, and hello to the new readers! I hope you will let me take you on a journey that will hopefully be entertaining!
> 
> Please keep your comments coming, I absolutely love reading your thoughts! Special thanks to ibroughtyoumybullets, calum_xxx_hood, thatfangirlingfreak, robbers & forest_of_flowers. It's very much appreciated!
> 
> xoxo


	4. Come Undone

Calum was used to getting up early on Saturdays to jog. He didn’t love jogging, it was something that she always encouraged. So he’d appease her and jog to the corner shop of a Saturday morning to buy the paper and milk and he’d stroll back.

Waking up alone on Saturday morning meant Calum could sleep until nine, and drag himself out of bed to pee before deciding to take advantage of his alone time to make pancakes and eat them over the sink instead of using a plate.

It was his old bachelor ways, as she always called them. He didn’t see anything too out of the ordinary to live off of Chinese takeout (and occasionally Subway, whenever his skinny jeans got too tight) and to avoid buying toilet paper for as long as possible (he never really blew his nose enough to need tissues for their intended use, anyway).

There was something freeing about doing something she didn’t like. Even though she’d never know, and he’d never tell her, he felt satisfaction as he dripped maple syrup all over the kitchen counter as he eagerly shovelled the homemade treat into his mouth.

The kitchen was a mess, and he felt a bolt of satisfaction as he walked away from it to catch up on his sport on TV. He was halfway to the living room when the doorbell sounded, and he quirked an eyebrow in interest as he headed towards it.

His eyebrow – and his face – fell when he saw Luke, leaning almost effortlessly up against the doorframe, a smile on his face.

Calum could feel the tears that threatened to burn his eyes, and he looked away, looking at Luke’s shoulder to avoid those familiar blue eyes.

“Ashton said you had pulled a hamstring at practice yesterday,” he said conversationally, quirking an eyebrow.

Calum looked up at him again, and felt his mouth quirk into a smile. “He wasn’t always the best liar.”

“True,” Luke nodded, ducking his head. “But it begs the question why he had to lie at all.”

Calum shifted from one foot to the other, the faint taste of syrup still on his lips. “I’m getting married.”

Luke smiled, his dimple appearing. “So I hear. Congratulations.”

Calum’s heartbeat was thundering in his chest, and his palms were beginning to sweat. He hadn’t felt this way since he _met_ Luke almost twenty years ago, and he was amazed to see that despite the eight year pause in their world, it felt like not a second had passed.

“Look, if you don’t want to see me…”

Calum reached out, grabbing at the sleeve of Luke’s simple plaid button down. “Don’t go.”

Luke nodded, looking down at Calum’s hand. “Initials,” he mumbled, extending a finger to trace the three letters on his hand.

“Few years back,” Calum supplied, lifting his other hand to show off the matching set on his other hand.

“Joy would’ve loved that.”

Calum laughed. “Something like that.”

Luke smiled, his hand covering Calum’s. “I’ve missed you, Cal.”

Calum bit down on his bottom lip, his hand moving up to curl in Luke’s shirt, giving him a gentle tug forward.

“I don’t have to come in,” Luke mumbled.

Calum looked up at him, and their eyes met. “Come in, Luke.”

He hesitated, but stumbled forward over the threshold.

Calum caught him easily, hands framing Luke’s ribcage. He tugged the younger man further inside and nudged the door shut, pressing Luke against the solid wood.

“You’re getting _married_ , Cal.”

He cupped Luke’s jaw, fingertips grazing over the stubble he found there. Luke wasn’t the same guy he’d said goodbye to eight years ago. He was a man now, a solid, strong man, who Calum wanted more than anything else.

“Shut up,” he whispered, his forehead pressing against Luke’s, his eyes falling shut. “Just shut up, Luke.”

“Alright,” he assented softly, fingers curling in Calum’s syrup-stained t-shirt.

Calum breathed him in; the familiar Lynx body spray, and something deeper, sweeter. Some kind of cologne he couldn’t place. He listened to the soft, rasped breaths, felt the breaths across his lips. He could remember every single thing he loved about Luke, and he missed it more than he could express.

“Why’d you send me the song? Why’d you do that, hm?”

“You told me to shut up,” Luke breathed softly, letting out a husky laugh.

“Well, un-shut up,” Calum mumbled.

“I sent you the song because I haven’t been able to forget it. It’s my favourite, Cal. I’ve wanted to do something with that song ever since we wrote it.”

“Why now?”

“Why not now?” Luke responded. “I found a great band, it would really fit for them. That song deserves to be heard.”

“Yeah, well. You should be the one singing it,” Calum mumbled. “I don’t want anyone singing it but you.”

“I don’t sing anymore, Cal.”

“You should,” Calum insisted. “I don’t know why you ever stopped.”

“I didn’t have my song writing partner, never really found much reason to sing.”

“Don’t do that,” Calum breathed. “Don’t blame me for you not singing anymore.”

Luke brushed his lips over the apple of Calum’s cheek. “You stopped singing too.”

He sighed, licking over his lips and pressed Luke more firmly against the door. “I don’t want to get into this with you.”

“I missed you.”

Calum sighed, holding back the whimper that wanted to escape. “Say it again.”

“I missed you, Cal.”

Calum turned his head quickly, his mouth finding Luke’s easily, and then they fell head-first into a searing kiss. It started slowly; lips finding their feet, the familiarity that wasn’t buried too far below the surface. Luke whimpered and Calum slid his tongue forward into his waiting mouth, and there was something that broke inside of Calum.

The restraint, the confusion, the fear and the love. It burst into pieces and he tugged Luke roughly by his shirt into a bruising kiss. Luke’s lips met his with the same intensity, his hands still at Calum’s waist.

It was like Calum couldn’t get close enough; couldn’t press against him any harder, couldn’t kiss him with anymore passion. Everything he had was going into the kiss, and it made him almost sob with the realization that he hadn’t kissed her like this. Not in the eight years they’d been together, he’d never kissed her like he kissed Luke.

“Hey,” Luke gasped softly, one strong hand on Calum’s chest to push him away. “Engaged, remember?”

Calum licked over his bottom lip, his chest heaving as he sucked in desperate breaths of oxygen. “Why’d you come here?”

“Told you,” Luke panted, a smirk settling on his lips. “Ashton said you pulled your hamstring. I was just being neighbourly.”

Calum laughed. “You don’t live in this neighbourhood.”

Luke shrugged, his hands still at Calum’s waist. “I wanted to see you. It’s been a while since Jack’s wedding, and it’s not like I can google you.”

Calum smiled, nuzzling his nose against Luke’s neck, breathing in the familiarity. “I googled you.”

Luke smiled, his hands moving slowly, his palms flattened against Calum’s back, stroking upwards slowly. “Find anything good?”

“A Wikipedia page,” Calum mumbled. “Told me everything I already knew, but gave me a list of all the songs you’ve written. Songs I loved without knowing they were yours.”

“Tell me about her.”

Calum snorted. “ _No_. No way, Luke. That’d be like me demanding to know who you were dating.”

“Well, the answer is no one, currently.”

Calum couldn’t deny the fire that started to burn low in his stomach at the thought of Luke being single. It shouldn’t matter, he _knew_ that. He wasn’t single, so it didn’t matter that Luke was.

“I think about you a lot,” Luke admitted softly.

Calum shut his eyes, pressing his mouth against the skin of Luke’s neck. He dragged his teeth gently over the stubble there, feeling Luke shudder.

“You never asked me to go with you,” Calum mumbled softly. “When you told me you’d decided to go, that you had to go, you never asked me.”

“Cal, you never said you wanted to go. I talked about LA for a year, and you were always, I don’t know. Less than enthused? I couldn’t ask you to give up your life, when you weren’t even interested to begin with.”

Calum huffed out a pained breath, and closed his eyes. “You had the world at your feet, and I’d put off Uni for two years. I was dead weight.”

“What?” Luke demanded, holding Calum away from him, a frown creased on his face. “I wanted you to come with me, more than anything.”

“It never would’ve worked,” Calum insisted.

“You were my muse.”

Calum scoffed. “I have a list of eight top ten hits you wrote after you moved. You managed without me.”

Luke cupped his jaw, forcing Calum’s eyes on his. “Don’t do that,” he whispered. “Don’t pretend like you weren’t important.”

Calum pulled away, rubbing at his eyes. He could vaguely hear Scooby whining at the back door, knowing that without a doubt, she’d be desperately waiting for her chance to jump all over Luke, but Calum wasn’t ready to leave the moment.

“Mikey said she’s nice.”

Calum looked over at Luke, who looked a little bashful, still leaning up against the closed door.

“Mikey, huh?”

Luke nodded. “He’s a sieve, Cal. Can’t keep anything in to save himself, and he’s kept me updated over the years. Said she’s a good woman and that you’re happy.”

“I was happy with you.”

“Cal-“

“No,” Calum interrupted, crowding Luke against the door again. “Don’t talk about her or Mikey or anything. You’re here, and we’ve wasted so much time already.”

Luke smiled, his hand cupping Calum’s jaw once more. “You look good. _Really_ good.”

Calum laughed. “You’re not so bad yourself,” he complimented, hands squeezing at Luke’s hips before moving up slowly.

“Jesus, I missed you Cal.”

Calum leant in, brushing their lips together again, teasing them both with just the touch. Luke leant in, his lips moving to press harder, but Calum resisted, a wicked smile on his face.

“Tease,” Luke breathed, biting at Calum’s chin.

“I’ve missed you too, Luke.”

Luke smiled, and Calum closed his eyes, feeling the other man’s lips curve against his cheek. He was waging a battle inside himself, and any sense of doing the right thing was clearly losing as he stepped closer, his hips pressing to Luke’s as their lips slid together, and Calum didn’t hesitate to take it deeper.

It was like he was awake for the first time in a long time. He could feel electricity flowing through his veins as his tongue pressed into Luke’s mouth, could feel a shiver run down his spine when the other man’s hands slipped under his shirt.

Calum grabbed him by the shirt and dragged him away from the door, their steps unsteady as Calum tried to remember the path to the stairs.

“Cal, wait,” Luke insisted, pulling away. “Don’t make the mistake, okay?”

Calum shook his head, his hands cupping Luke’s jaw and pressed three quick kisses to his pink lips. “You’re not a mistake,” he insisted softly. “Believe me, you’re not a mistake.”

Luke hesitated, his hands holding Calum’s slim hips. “It’s not what I came here for.”

“I know,” Calum said, softening. He ran his fingers through Luke’s quiffed hair and his eyes searched his face. “I didn’t think I’d…that I’d do this when I saw you again.”

Luke licked over his bottom lip, and that’s when Calum noticed the small metal ring Luke had worn when they were younger was replaced by a simple, black stud.

Then the stud was moving, and he realized Luke was talking.

“If you’re sure,” he mumbled softly.

Calum looked over his shoulder to see they’d reached the bottom of the stairs. He had one foot on the first step, his hand still curled in Luke’s shirt.

“I’m not sure about anything,” he breathed. “Except you. Now.”

Luke nodded, his eyes falling shut for a moment.

Calum smiled, his eyes making memories because he wasn’t sure he’d ever see Luke up close again. Saying goodbye had been the hardest thing he’d ever done, and the more he thought about it, the more Calum believed he’d made the wrong choice.

“Take me upstairs, Cal.”

Calum bit down on his bottom lip, leaning in to kiss Luke softly before stepping back and taking his hand, tugging him up the stairs.

**

There was a moment when Luke was underneath him, Calum’s arm hooked behind his right knee to press his legs further apart, and the soft, sweet sounds of his moaning, when Calum realized just how much he’d missed Luke.

He gasped as much into his neck, and had felt Luke’s fingernails drag up his bare back as Calum’s hips snapped forward, pulling a strangled groan from Luke’s throat as he slid home, again and again.

The words they spoke were unintelligible, but it didn’t matter, not really. They were saying all the words that needed to be said with their bodies, and Calum cried out Luke’s name the moment he reached his end, helping the younger man to his own just moments later.

**

“Don’t tell me you still fall asleep after you come.”

Calum snorted, easing open one eye and looked down at Luke who was lounging against him comfortably, the crisp white sheet covering his naked behind.

“I’ll have you know that you wore me out,” he mumbled. “Plus, there’s the hamstring injury.”

Luke snorted, digging his teeth into the feather tattoo on Calum’s collarbone.

Calum smiled, running his palm up Luke’s bare back, feeling over the familiar muscles and skin he’d missed. “I really did miss you, you know.”

“I know,” Luke said against his chest. “But I mean…you’re engaged.”

Calum crushed his eyes shut. He’d remembered that fact after pulling out, after sleeping with someone who wasn’t his fiancé. He honestly didn’t know what was worse; the fact that he was so blinded by Luke he was willing to overlook her, or the fact that he’d committed the indiscretion in their bed.

“Fuck,” Calum whispered. “I’m _engaged._ ”

Luke lifted his head to look up at him. “I’m sorry.”

Calum shook his head, nudging Luke away so he could sit up, swinging his legs off the edge of the bed, his head in his hands.

“Cal,” Luke sighed, shifting closer under the sheet, draping himself over Calum’s bare back. “You said you were sure…”

“I know,” Calum groaned. “But…Jesus, Luke. We had sex in our bed. _Unprotected_ sex, I might add.”

Luke pressed his lips against Calum’s shoulder. “I know,” he said quietly.

“The sheets, I mean…they’re her favourite, and I fucked _you_ on them. I’m such a piece of shit fiancé.”

Luke didn’t say anything for a moment, his lips still pressed to Calum’s shoulder. “I-I could’ve said no too.”

Calum shook his head, dragging the sheet over his lap. It suddenly felt so wrong to be so naked, to need to shower because the evidence still clung to his tanned skin. How was he ever going to look her in the eye?

“Do you want me to go?”

Calum turned his head to look at Luke’s ankle. It was the same ankle Calum had drawn a butterfly on when they were thirteen, to give each other shitty permanent marker tattoos. His eyes moved up Luke’s calves to his knees; the knobbly cartilage always bowing in photos so Luke could fit into the frame, showing how much taller he was than Calum.

“I’ll go,” Luke insisted, sitting up and looking around for his clothes.

They were scattered from the door to the bed, and Calum could remember his fingers curling in the fabric of Luke’s boxer briefs, tugging them down and off before sucking marks into his hipbones. He could feel the warmth of Luke’s thighs under his fingertips, could feel every shake of his body as his fingers had pressed inside.

“Don’t go,” he insisted quickly, turning to look at Luke.

The other man had the sheets tucked under his armpits, his blue eyes wide. “I have to, Cal. I don’t even know when she’ll be home.”

Calum looked over at the clock on his bedside table and sighed. It was almost one in the afternoon, and he knew there was no chance of her being home before the party.

“Stay,” Calum requested softly. “I’m not…I’m not just going to fuck you and kick you out.”

Luke managed a small smile. “I really am sorry.”

Calum shook his head, inching towards Luke and cupped his cheek gently. “It’s on me,” he assured him softly. “Just don’t go.”

Luke hesitated but nodded, letting the sheet drop back down to his lap. “You’re coming to the party tonight?”

Calum nodded. “Liz will have my head if I’m not there.”

Luke smiled. “Tell me about it. She left me thirteen voice messages telling me I hadn’t been home in two years, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to miss her sixtieth.”

Calum smiled. “How long are you in town?”

Luke pursed his lips. “Ten days. I wanted to stay longer, but I have to get All Time Low into the studio by the end of the month or the label will have my head.”

“All Time Low, huh?” Calum smiled. “Aren’t you mister big shot?”

Luke laughed. “I still can’t believe who I get to work with half the time. Hi or Hey is doing great, and I’m mentoring a lot of new bands.”

“Is it everything you thought it would be?” Calum asked.

Luke shrugged. “Mostly, yeah. I have a nice apartment, and rent a studio space in the city. I work with a lot of people I loved growing up, and I get paid to write music.”

“I sense there’s a but,” Calum smiled.

“But,” Luke sighed. “I’m not settled there. Not like I’m settled here. I’ve been gone eight years and I still don’t feel like I belong in LA.”

“You’re doing what you always wanted to do,” Calum reminded him softly. “It’s all you talked about; meeting Alex Gaskarth and writing the next punk pop song to stand the test of time.”

Luke smiled. “I guess. I don’t know if I’m there yet, with the song thing.”

“Hey,” Calum cautioned. “ _Rejects_ is scarily good.”

Luke laughed. “I suppose that’s true.”

Calum smiled, pressing a kiss to Luke’s shoulder. “I’m proud of you.”

The other man laughed, his cheeks going pink, just as Calum’s phone started to ring.

Calum leant over the edge of the bed and reached for his jeans, pulling the device out of his pocket. He held up the phone so Luke could see Ashton’s smiling face before he answered the call.

“Morning, Ash.”

“Morning? It’s almost one, Cal.”

“Hi Ash!” Luke called out, and Calum swatted at him.

“Oh Jesus,” Ashton sighed from the other end of the phone. “Calum, what are you doing?”

Calum laughed. “Sorry, we’re watching a movie.”

Ashton was silent.

“Ash?”

“You slept with him, didn’t you?”

The grin slipped from Calum’s face and he looked away from Luke. “It’s not like that.”

“It’s _exactly_ like that, Calum!” Ashton sighed. “Jesus, I was worried you’d hit him, not fuck him!”

Calum stood up quickly, the sheet dropping as he reached for his boxer briefs and tugged them on awkwardly, throwing an apologetic look at Luke before stepping out into the hall, dragging the bedroom door shut after him.

“Explain yourself!” Ashton demanded.

“He showed up,” Calum said softly, wandering down the hall and ducked into the spare room. “We talked, and I guess I just…kissed him.”

“You’re both fucking idiots,” Ashton snapped. “Did you forget the fact you’re _engaged_? That you’re getting _married_ in three weeks?”

“I know, Ash,” Calum said softly. “We…he told me we didn’t have to, but I pushed. It’s not Luke’s fault.”

“Luke could’ve kept you from fucking him in the ass.”

Calum cringed at the vulgarity, and let out a sigh. “I know.”

“No, Calum, I don’t think you do,” Ashton sighed. “You never should’ve let it get this far. You shouldn’t have kissed him, and you sure as hell shouldn’t have slept with him. What are you going to tell her?”

Calum felt the guilt twist through his stomach again when he thought of her. Her round face and dark hair, and the laugh that always made him smile.

He was shit, and he knew it.

“Do I need to come over there and throw him out, or can you do that yourself?”

“No,” Calum sighed. “I’ll take care of it.”

“You better fucking hope I’ve calmed down by tonight, or I’ll hit you myself. Did you forget she’s my friend, too? I was worried when it sounded like you were still in love with Luke, but I didn’t think you’d cheat.”

Calum felt nauseous, the maple syrup and pancakes a heavy reminder of his guilt. He closed his eyes and was assaulted with images of Luke; naked and writhing on the sheets of her bed, and he felt even worse when he bit his lip and sucked in a breath at the memory.

“Fix it,” Ashton snapped, and abruptly hung up.

Calum pressed his phone to his chest and sighed, pressing his eyes shut for a moment. Ashton was right. He should never have slept with Luke. He’d forgotten about his fiancé, about her feelings and how hurt she’d be if she knew.

He got up and padded down the hall and opened the bedroom door to see Luke buttoning up his plaid shirt, already fully dressed.

“Hey,” he greeted, running his hand through his hair. “I thought I should probably just go.”

Calum nodded, reaching for his jeans and tugged them on, getting a tank top out of the closet to pull on. “It’s probably for the best.”

Luke managed a tight smile. “I’ll see you tonight, though.”

Calum cringed at the idea of it, but nodded nonetheless. “I’m sorry, Luke. I never should’ve put you in this position.”

Luke shook his head. “I didn’t exactly complain about the position.”

Calum smiled sadly, and leant up against the dresser. “I meant-“

“I know, Cal,” Luke smiled, crossing the room to press a kiss to his cheek. “I’ll see you later.”

Calum nodded, unable to move from his spot as Luke left the master suite and headed downstairs. Calum didn’t realize he’d been holding his breath until he let it go all at once when he heard the front door click shut.

**

He’d spent the rest of the day washing the sheets. He ran them through twice after discovering the stain on them. It was just another reminder of what he’d done, of what he’d done to her.

Then he’d showered, standing under the hot spray for fifteen minutes before he had the strength to raise his hands and wash his hair. He hadn’t slept with her since the idea of Luke had popped into his head three weeks ago.

Whether it was a conscious decision or not, he wasn’t sure, but the intimacy had definitely dropped. He was just so preoccupied, weighed down with his confusion and indecision that he’d barely had time to think about her.

But now, that’s all he could think of.

Not only her, but her family. Her three younger brothers who he treated like his own, her parents who had let them move in to their garage for six months to save their home deposit. He wasn’t only hurting her, he was hurting the people that loved her the most.

 _He_ was supposed to love her the most.

But instead, he’d slept with Luke.

He seriously considered skipping the party, using his budding headache as a ruse. It wasn’t far from the truth; his head was caning and the constant nausea wasn’t helping things.

But still, he found himself getting dressed just after six, guiding his hair into a messily constructed style before critiquing his outfit. He didn’t want to impress Luke. He didn’t want to wear his tight jeans and the ombre black and grey plaid shirt that he thought showed off his strong forearms when he rolled the fabric to his elbows.

But he still pulled on the skinny jeans, still tucked his shirt loosely into them before digging his beat up Vans out of the back of the closet, lacing them up tightly. He looked like the Calum from eight years ago, before he’d broken up with Luke and met her.

He didn’t realize just how much she’d changed him, until he had to clean cobwebs off his beloved shoes. They were the only ones he wore back then. He worked behind the bar at Fitzy’s on weeknights while song writing with Luke during the day, and no matter where he ended up, he was always in those shoes.

Until things had changed and she’d managed to convince him that a nice pair of leather shoes were better. That if he was going to meet her parents for the first time, he’d have to abandon the torn band t-shirts he loved so much and let the blonde highlights in his hair grow out.

It hadn’t seemed like such a shift at the time. He was falling in love, and he would’ve changed anything, if she’d asked.

But now, looking at a box in the back of his closet and his favourite Nirvana t-shirt folded neatly on top, he realized that he wasn’t the same Calum that had broken up with Luke.

He was a _grown up,_ in the worst way.

With a sigh he left the box in the closet and left the bedroom, heading downstairs to feed Scooby before leaving the house, car keys in hand.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The arrival of Luke! I must admit, this has been so much fun to write! Believe it or not, this was meant to be Lashton. It was the first pairing I ever read in the 5SOS family, and I thought it was my favourite pairing between the boys. But all of a sudden, it became Cake, and I must admit...I love it!
> 
> I hope you all do too! Thanks for reading, special thanks to something & calum_xxx_hood for their comments! I absolutely love reading them, so pleeeeeeeeease leave them!
> 
> xoxo


	5. Dark Days

“How many drinks have you had?”

Calum frowned over the rim of his scotch glass, taking a gentle sip as he regarded Ashton. “This is my first.”

“Good,” Ashton nodded. “You’re not drunk enough to fob me off.”

Calum rolled his eyes, and let Ashton manhandle him out onto the terrace and away from the party guests. Calum had been early, and relieved to see Luke hadn’t arrived.

“What were you thinking?” Ashton hissed once they were out of sight from the party, and overlooking the eighteenth hole of the golf course.

The function room was beautiful; decorated with blue and silver balloons, and a beautiful banner declaring _Happy 21 st Birthday Liz! _Calum knew she’d love it.

“Seriously,” Ashton pressed. “He shows up on your doorstep after eight years and you fuck him?”

Calum clamped down on Ashton’s wrist and squeezed. “Not that it’s any of your business,” he hissed. “But it was a little more complicated than that. I haven’t seen him in so long, and the past few weeks have been kind of intense. Obviously we were both feeling _something_ and it just…happened.”

Ashton sighed wearily. “Cal. This is bad.”

“I know,” Calum said, matching his sigh. “But it’s not like I’m running off with him.”

“Well, how did you leave things?”

Calum frowned, realizing things were still up in the air. “When I got off the phone with you, he left.”

“So you didn’t talk?”

“No. It was awkward and I felt like shit and he just…left.”

Ashton scrubbed a hand down his face and let out a sigh. “So what’s the plan, then? Obviously you need to set him straight and put things to bed. Then decide if you’re going to tell her or not.”

“I’m not telling her,” Calum insisted, having made the decision earlier in the afternoon when he’d been washing the sheets.

He was going to so much trouble to hide the evidence, there was no way he could look her in the eye and tell her he’d slept with someone else.

“You’ll end it with Luke though, right?”

Calum looked down at the amber liquid in his glass and wished he had an answer. As much as he was devastated to have cheated, the idea of letting Luke go – of not seeing see him again – made the nausea that much worse.

“Tell me you’re not three weeks out from your wedding and thinking of calling it off.” Ashton stated softly.

Calum looked over at him, his face displaying his misery. “I thought I was confused yesterday, Ash. _Yesterday_ I was thinking of telling her I needed time, but today? Seeing him erased the last eight years, only instead of being impulsive twenty-one year olds, we’ve grown up and we have lives and we just…we still fit.”

Ashton rested his hand on Calum’s shoulder and squeezed gently. “Cal, you realize what you’re saying, right?”

“I’m saying that I still have feelings for Luke.”

Ashton let out a breath, slowly.

Calum drained the liquid in his glass and winced. “I need another drink.”

“Yeah, me too,” Ashton sighed.

They headed back towards the function room to see a few more familiar faces. Calum waved over at Jack and Ben as they carried a massive cake in, and he did a quick sweep of the room for Luke, to no avail.

“He’s staying with his parents,” Ashton supplied, as they headed for the bar. “I’m guessing he’ll be coming with Andy and Liz.”

Calum nodded, trying to fight his disappointment at having to wait to see Luke.

“C’mon,” Ashton said gently, and guided him toward the bar.

Once they both had glasses in their hand, they ventured back towards the party. Calum greeted his parents, and gave a warm hug to Anne Marie, before Ashton cut in with some muttered _get your hands off my mum_ comment that made everyone laugh.

Lauren was there, clutching the hand of a seemingly scared young man with dark hair that swept over his forehead. Calum smiled as he recognized the style as ‘the Bieber’; something he thought had died out with Justin’s career.

“Oh would you look who just walked in.”

Calum’s heart was in his throat as he turned at Anne Marie’s introduction, hoping to see Luke. His heart dropped when his fiancé waved and headed in his direction, and the guilt was starting to become unsurmountable.

“Hey baby,” she greeted, pressing a kiss to his cheek before greeting the Irwin’s and squeezing Ashton’s cheeks.

“Hi,” he greeted warmly, his arm fitting around her waist. “How as the expo?”

She sighed. “Long. I did sell twenty-two cruise packages though, so it wasn’t all bad.”

He smiled, pressing a kiss to her cheek. He still felt the same things for her. The excitement and devotion was still there, and he was still in love with her.

But Luke…

“You okay, baby?” she questioned, caressing his cheek.

“Yeah,” he smiled, taking a sip from his glass. “Just tired.”

“You work too hard,” she tutted, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

He squeezed her hip, feeling his smile falter. It was as if every second he spent with her was just digging him further into a hole. He’d _cheated_. There was no getting past that.

“The birthday girl is here!”

Calum turned to the entrance, and couldn’t help the smile on his face as he saw Liz being escorted into her birthday party by her husband, and her youngest son.

Luke was grinning widely, and Calum could see just how happy he was to be home; with family. Everyone was clapping and laughing and greeting them all. There were people in attendance who probably hadn’t seen Luke since he’d moved, so there were a lot of aunts and uncles and grandparents to greet, and Calum tried to keep his jealousy at bay as he watched.

“That’s him, isn’t it?”

Calum looked over at her, her expression unreadable. “Luke?”

She nodded, setting her clutch purse down on the tall table to their right. “I mean, I’ve seen pictures, but he looks taller.”

Calum smiled. “That’s Luke. Always ten feet taller in person than in print.”

“How long has it been since you’ve seen him?”

The question was innocent, but it made warning bells go off in Calum’s head. Did she know? Somehow, in some weird dimension, did she know he’d seen Luke that morning?

“Since uh. Since Jack’s wedding, four years back,” he mumbled.

She nodded her head. “Why don’t you go and say hello?”

“Nah,” Calum disagreed softly. “He’ll do the rounds I’m sure.”

“I could use another drink,” Ashton announced, having been on the edge of their conversation.

Calum nodded and finished his, handing his empty glass to his friend. “Another.”

He nodded. “Sweetheart, Cabernet?”

She smiled, pressing a kiss to Ashton’s cheek. “You know me so well, Ash.”

He smiled and excused himself, and she left Calum’s side to greet his parents. Calum knew he probably looked miserable standing there, and completely out of place at such a joyous occasion. He was lost in his thoughts when he suddenly felt a hand against his lower back, and he was looking up into Luke’s blue eyes.

“Hey.”

Calum smiled, feeling his cheeks flush. “Hey.”

Luke looked him up and down subtlety, and leant in to press a kiss to his cheek. “I thought about you all day.”

Calum’s stomach clenched. “Yeah?”

“Mhm,” Luke mumbled. “I’m sore.”

Calum choked, feeling his face flush. “Jesus Luke.”

He laughed. “Sorry. That wasn’t what I was supposed to say. I was meant to go for something meaningful.”

Calum smiled. “That was meaningful, trust me.”

Luke’s hand dragged from the small of Calum’s back to his hip, giving a gentle squeeze before falling away. “How are you?”

Calum sighed. “Next question?”

Luke smiled. “I want to apologize again,” he insisted.

“No, don’t,” Calum insisted. “I should’ve known better.”

“So, you regret it?”

Calum opened his mouth to insist that _no_ , he didn’t regret it, but suddenly, she was at his elbow, looking at him quizzically.

“Honey?”

Calum swallowed and looked at Luke. “This is uh, this is my fiancé,” he introduced softly. “This is Luke.”

She smiled and shook his hand. “It’s nice to finally meet you.”

Luke smiled, and shook her hand politely. “Same. I hear you’re planning a wedding.”

She laughed. “Trying to! Quite an overwhelming thing,” he admitted.

Calum’s smiled faltered and he looked away, unable to keep up the façade.

“I should probably go and say hello to my grandparents,” Luke announced. “I’ll catch up with you later?”

She nodded, and Calum managed a tight smile as they parted ways.

Her hand rubbed up his back as she took a gentle sip from her glass. “You okay?”

Calum forced a smile. “Course. Why wouldn’t I be?”

She smiled. “Cal, do you realize you’ve never told me about him?” she asked innocently. “I’ve gone on for hours about my high school boyfriend, but you’ve never said a word about Luke. Everything I know I had to pry out of Ashton.”

He averted his eyes, swallowing around the lump in his throat. “It ended weirdly,” he said vaguely, shrugging his shoulder.

She pressed her lips together. “I think you need to resolve whatever issues you two had,” she suggested. “Especially before the wedding.”

Calum felt the sucking wound in his chest expand at her soft words. It was just so _her_ to be so insistent he repair the damage done between himself and Luke. She didn’t know the history, didn’t know that that when he met her, he’d still been very much in love with the other man, and he was quickly discovering he was still quite possibly in the same boat.

“He’s only here for ten days,” Calum said, taking his glass out of Ashton’s hand as his friend passed through to greet Luke himself.

“All the better to start tonight then,” she said gently, pressing her lips to his in a short kiss. “Please? Just go talk to him.”

Calum looked over at Luke who was pulled in against Ashton’s chest and laughing at something he’d said. He looked so alive, so present. It was like he’d been gone for no time at all, but everything had changed.

“Go,” she insisted, giving him a gentle tap on the rear. “I won’t take no for an answer.”

He smiled, trying to keep the sadness from reaching his eyes. “Okay,” he relented, taking a sip of his drink. “I’m going.”

She smiled, pleased with herself and waved him away, heading across the makeshift dancefloor to say hello to Liz.

Calum watched Luke for a moment as he helped his brothers move a few tables around before the taller of the three seemed to stop, looking over his shoulder, their eyes meeting.

Luke smiled, and Calum couldn’t help to mirror the expression. He nodded his head toward the terrace and Luke returned it, and Calum stepped through the groups of people to get to the sliding glass door.

The evening breeze made him shiver, and he contemplated rolling down the sleeves of his button down, looking down at his tattooed forearm and smiled. Luke had been there for some of them, had been in Calum’s heart for the rest. It felt so strange to be in the moment, to be in the situation where it felt like no time had passed, but everything had changed.

“Hey.”

Calum turned to smile at Luke, a small glass of amber liquid in his hand. “Let me see how well I know you,” he grinned. “Still Jim Beam on the rocks?”

Luke let out a laugh and took a sip. “Guilty. How about you, hm? Looks like you upgraded from those Long Island Iced Teas you always had a weakness for.”

Calum smirked. “I guess you rubbed off on me, I’m an on the rocks kinda guy now.”

Luke reached for his hand and gave a gentle tug, leading them away from the clubhouse. The shadows enveloped them, and Calum felt relaxed in the other man’s presence.

“It’s a really nice night,” Luke commented softly, stopping under the shade of a low-hanging willow branch.

“I’m sure your mum will enjoy it.”

Luke smiled, stepping closer to Calum. “What about you, huh? Are _you_ going to enjoy yourself?”

Calum rested his hand against Luke’s chest, and the soft fabric of his black button down shirt. He ran a finger over one of the buttons, eyes trailing down to where it was tucked loosely into his skinny jeans.

“Cal?”

Calum sighed and looked up at Luke. “Today has been really confusing.”

“I know,” Luke said softly, reaching up to cup his jaw. “It’s all my fault.”

“It’s just…you,” Calum sighed. “I don’t know what to think or to feel, and I sure as hell can’t figure out what it all means.”

“Is it easier if I stay away?” Luke asked. “I’m not trying to come between you two, honest. I didn’t think what happened this morning, was what was going to happen, you know? I just thought we’d talk and figure things out, I just…I’m not that guy, Cal.”

“I know,” Calum said quickly. “I know you’re not, and I’m sorry I sort of made you that guy. I didn’t think it’d happen either, and up until the second before I opened the door, I was sure I didn’t want to see you at all. But then you were there,” he sighed. “And it all came rushing back.”

Luke pressed a kiss to Calum’s temple, and then stepped back to take a drink from his glass.

Calum mirrored the action, feeling the potency of the liquor slide through his body smoothly. He couldn’t remember if it was his third or his fourth, but he knew neither was good on an empty stomach.

“Luke, I don’t want to-“

“Ooh, moment between lovers!”

Calum looked sharply over his shoulder at Michael, who wore a shit-eating grin and an ugly green shirt. He was instantly pissed off by his presence, and noticed that Ashton was following close behind him.

“Mikey,” Luke grinned, and pulled him into a hug. “Nice to see you in the real world.”

Michael clapped him on the back. “Thank my prescription medicine cocktail! All doctor-approved, might I add.”

Calum drained the remaining liquid from his glass and set it down on one of the tall tables under the patio cover.

“Did we interrupt the reconciliation?” Michael asked, rubbing his hands together.

“No,” Calum intoned. “And can you keep your voice down?”

Michael snorted. “What’s up your ass? I thought you’d be happy to have him back.”

Calum looked at Luke quickly, before his eyes shifted back to Michael. “Shut up, okay? She’s inside.”

Michael snorted again. “Look, no offence, but I like you and Luke more than I like you and her.”

“I didn’t fucking ask for your opinion,” Calum spat angrily.

“Hey, Cal,” Ashton eased, his hand landing on his forearm.

“No! Is this a fucking joke to you, Michael?”

“It’s not _funny_ , so _no_ ,” Michael responded sarcastically, rolling his eyes. “I’m just _saying_ -“

“Well stop,” Calum said flatly. “I don’t need romance advice from someone who can’t leave their house without doping up on Zoloft.”

“Hey,” Ashton said sharply, his brow creasing into a frown. “Not cool, Cal.”

“Epically not cool,” Michael agreed, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Is this all some big plan of yours?” Calum demanded. “Get Luke and I back together? Well what about my _fiancé_?”

“Were you thinking of your _fiancé_ when you were screwing Luke?”

Calum looked at the tall man in question, whose blue eyes were wide. “Did you tell him?”

“No!” Luke insisted.

Michael grinned triumphantly. “I _knew_ it. See, Ash. Told you I could get him to spill.”

The anger coursing through Calum was manic, and he didn’t know what to do. The idea of hitting Michael was looking like the best option, but he knew if he did, it would be changing things between the four of him that he didn’t want to change.

“Cal, you need to take a walk,” Ashton advised pointedly.

“No!” Michael demanded. “I love pissed-off-drunk Calum!”

“Did you send him to me?” Calum demanded. “Was this whole thing some sick joke you thought up? You grind my gears for a few weeks about him, then send him my way?”

“No,” Michael sighed, rolling his eyes. “Luke isn’t a puppet, I don’t _control_ him. But it’s obvious to everyone here but you, that you clearly can’t get married in three weeks because you’re still in lo-“

“Shut your mouth!” Calum demanded, pushing Michael sharply in the chest. “Go back to your fucking depressing man cave and have a fucking panic attack!”

“Calum!”

“What?” he demanded angrily. “We’re not allowed to mention the elephant in the fucking room? How goddamn convenient his _social anxiety_ it is when he doesn’t want to do something!”

Calum didn’t care about the shocked look on Ashton’s face, or the crestfallen one on Michael’s. He was just so unbelievably angry, and had nowhere to release it.

“C’mon,” Luke mumbled softly, grabbing Calum by the elbow and pulled him away from their friends, through a thick line of bushes until they were behind the small pro shop the golf course had. It was dark; the business long closed, and it was shady and silent.

Calum pulled his arm out of Luke’s hold once they stopped, and pushed him roughly up against the side of the building. Their mouths collided quickly, Calum’s teeth catching on the stud in Luke’s lip.

“Woah,” Luke mumbled, trying to push Calum away. “C’mon, stop, Cal.”

Calum ignored him, pressing closer, biting at the lip piercing and pressing his tongue into Luke’s mouth.

Luke mumbled something unintelligible and used all his strength to shove Calum off of him. “Jesus Cal!”

Calum was panting, the anger still coursing through his veins. He looked to the sky, letting out a frustrated growl.

Luke had his fingers pressed to his bottom lip, expecting to see blood when he pulled them away.

Calum stared skyward until the anger started to dissipate, and looked over at Luke. He looked rumpled and confused, and it broke Calum’s heart.

“Shit,” he mumbled, walking back over to Luke, cupping his jaw. “Shit,” he repeated softly. “I’m sorry, Luke.”

Luke licked over his lip, his teeth pressing against the piercing. “It’s fine.”

“No,” Calum soothed. “It’s not okay. I’m just…making really bad decisions today.”

Luke sniffed. “And I’m all of them.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Calum insisted quietly. “God, I’m fucking everything up.”

Luke nudged his nose against Calum’s forehead, and kissed his cheek. “I came back and it was too much. You’re not ready.”

“Not ready for what?” Calum asked sadly.

“To listen.”

He frowned. “Listen to what?”

Luke smiled sadly, his hands cupping Calum’s jaw, and be pressed a slow, soft kiss to his mouth. “You’re not ready to hear what I have to say.”

Calum couldn’t process the words, and by the time he could think of a response, Luke was already walking back to the party.

**

The rest of Liz’s party had passed in a blur. Calum had avoided his friends and drank so much alcohol that everyone was his best friend by the time she was leading him out to the car. He’d fallen asleep on the drive home, and had crashed on the couch.

Which was where he woke up, feeling as though the earth was shifting underneath him, and he let out a pained groan.

“Oh, good morning,” she said, her voice sounding smug and chipper.

“Sssh,” Calum groaned, pressing his face into a throw pillow.

Everything was too loud, too bright, too much. He was paying dearly for his mistakes, and not even sleep had eased them.

He’d dreamt of Luke; and of the horrible things he said to Michael.

He really was losing it, and it was so hard to believe that it had all taken place in one twenty-four hour period. He’d gone from mildly confused and unsure about seeing his ex, to sleeping with him, drinking too much and insulting his best friend.

He really was a stellar human being.

“To your left.”

He lifted his head to look at the coffee table beside the couch, a tall glass of water sitting beside two Panadol tablets.

It hurt to smile, but he pushed through, reaching for the pills and swallowed them with a sip of water. He wished the relief was instantaneous, but he wasn’t that lucky, forced to muddle through the pounding headache as he pushed himself up into a sitting position.

“You were off the rails last night, Cal.”

She didn’t sound mad, so that was something. She almost sounded _pleased_ , like his misery was amusing, but he supposed that was fair. He could distinctly remember dancing with Liz to the _Grease_ mega mix, complete with over the top dance moves and loud, garbled singing.

“How bad?”

She smiled at him over her mug of coffee. “Not _too_ bad. Though you did get a little weird after the cake was cut.”

“Mhm?” he questioned, rubbing at his temples.

“They played your favourite song and you looked at Michael and walked out.”

Calum frowned, the memory unrecognizable. “Which song?”

“ _Wherever You Are_ ,” she smiled. “It started, and you looked at Michael, and he looked back and you bailed. Ashton found you on the terrace.”

Calum nodded gently, trying to keep his movements to a minimum. He had no idea how to decipher the reaction, but he knew he needed to make things right with Michael. What he had said was unforgivable, and he had to prepare himself for the fact that Michael might not want to hear what he had to say.

“I might vomit,” he sighed.

“Mhm,” she mumbled. “I figured. Did you eat at all yesterday?”

He shook his head, unable to remembering anything but _Luke_. Seeing him, kissing him, sleeping with him. The only accompaniment to his memories was his behaviour at the party.

“I might take a shower,” he announced, looking over at her for the first time. She wore a loose sweater than hung off her shoulder, her tanned skin looking even darker against the white fabric of her shirt.

Scooby was curled up on her lap, content with the gentle pats she was bestowing on her.

Calum stood up slowly, and felt the earth move under his feet again.

“You okay?” she asked, raising a brow as she watched him.

“M’fine,” he mumbled.

He groped along the couch until he reached the coffee table, using the furniture to get him out into the hall. He walked slowly, very aware of how nauseous he felt as he groped his way into the downstairs bathroom, peeling off his clothes from the night before.

He turned the water on as hot as he could stand it, and stood underneath the spray, wanting it to burn away his headache and the confusion. It didn’t do either, but he felt maybe a tiny bit better when he was towelling himself off.

He managed to make it upstairs before crawling into bed naked, and falling into a restless sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's Calum the douchebag! I do feel exceptionally sorry for him, though. Poor guy has copped a lot over these first five chapters! Here's hoping he gets it together soon, but if he doesn't, it makes for awfully entertaining plot ;)
> 
> Thanks to everyone who is reading, I always get a little happy when I see my hit rate going up! Special thanks to those who comment; aalexandravictoriaa, princeliam, forest_of_flowers, calum_xxx_hood. I should offer a special incentive to get some more!
> 
> Thanks!


	6. Hard To Say

“Calum.”

Calum managed a smile despite his still insistent headache. “Hey Mr C,” he said tiredly. “How’s it going?”

“About as good as it goes every day, I guess,” he laughed, opening the door wider for Calum to step inside.

“He in the man cave?”

“He is,” Daryl Clifford confirmed. “He had a nice time at the party last night, but doubled up on his anti-depressants before bed.”

The knowledge made Calum want to throw up.

He’d already done that – twice – and he really didn’t want to have to put Michael or his dad through that. So he swallowed, pinching himself on the thigh to keep the focus away from his turbulent stomach.

“I’m sure he’d love to see you,” Daryl added.

Calum managed a weak smile and stepped past the man, heading down the tiled hallway to the closed door of Michael’s man cave. He paused there for a moment, unsure if he’d be able to articulate the emotional apology he’d been writing in his head since he’d woken up from his nap.

With each second that passed, the louder his own words were becoming in his head. The vicious words about Michael’s illness, after promising himself when they were only fourteen that he’d never be the one to put Michael down about his diagnosis. He knew how hard it had been for him to start medication, how after his mother’s death it was a struggle for him to leave the house.

And he’d torn down that promise with some hastily spoken words after too much alcohol.

Calum wasn’t just a shit fiancé anymore, he was a shit friend, too.

“Michael?” he murmured softly, knocking gently.

He could hear the muted sounds of the PlayStation, and he wondered if Michael would even be able to hear him. Part of him wished he wouldn’t, so he could go home with his tail between his legs and punish himself a little more for his actions.

“Calum?”

He swallowed and turned the doorknob, pressing the door open a few inches. “Hey.”

Michael’s head was the only thing visible underneath the blanket he was cocooned in. His expression was unreadable, and that made it worse. At least if he was angry, Calum could handle that.

Unemotional Michael was a ticking time bomb.

“Can I come in?”

Michael nodded, looking back to the TV as Calum entered, and shut the door behind him.

“How’s the hangover?”

“Pretty brutal,” Calum admitted, taking a seat on the grey sofa.

Michael nodded. “Good.”

Calum bit his lip, his eyes on the pattern of the quilt Michael was under. It was a Pokemon cover, and just another reminder that in a lot of ways, Michael was still the fourteen year old kid diagnosed with depression and social anxiety disorder.

He’d dropped out of school at sixteen, and had existed inside his house ever since.

“Do you remember when they had to ween you off the citalopram because you kept getting a bloody nose and you were so worried that coming down would be like it was before you started?”

Michael cocked his head in Calum’s direction, and shrugged a shoulder.

“You were going to keep taking it, even when the doctor wanted you to stop, because you were so afraid that the nightmares would come back, and that you’d scratch your arms up again?”

“So what?” Michael demanded, his voice flat.

“I stayed with you, remember? They took you off it slowly, but there was one day where you weren’t medicated, and you wouldn’t let anyone else see you but me. You were a mess, and you were sobbing and begging me to give you the meds. You scratched so deep you still have scars on your thighs. But do you remember what I promised you?” Calum pressed, inching over towards Michael on the couch.

“You promised that you’d never treat me how I felt coming down off the drugs. You promised that you didn’t care what version of me you got – the lucid one, the unmedicated one – you were going to stick with me, and never treat me like I was crazy.”

Calum nodded, sliding closer, and dug for Michael’s hands under the covers. “And last night, I broke my promise,” he whispered. “I treated you like shit, and I used what’s happened to you against you. Because I was angry, and drunk. And there’s absolutely no excuse for it, and I’m so fucking _sorry_ , Mikey.”

Michael’s hands stayed limp in Calum’s, his expression still unreadable. “You treated me like everyone at school used to treat me.”

“I know,” Calum whispered. “I was upset and I took it out on you, and I’m sorry.”

“You’re a piece of shit, Cal,” Michael told him. “Instead of figuring out how you feel about Luke, you went off on me. It’s more than just breaking a promise; you tore me down.”

Calum swallowed against the bile threatening to work its way up his throat. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, feeling his eyes start to burn. “I cheated on my fiancé, and instead of taking ownership of that, I blew up at you.”

“I don’t care that you cheated,” Michael demanded. “I think you belong with Luke, personally. I’m pissed off that you can’t see that. That you think you have to choose her.”

“It’s not a choice,” Calum demanded. “I _love_ her.”

Michael sighed. “You _love_ Luke.”

Calum pressed his fingertips against his eyelids and sighed. “If you don’t want to accept my apology, I understand. But I’m not going to stop apologizing.”

Michael sighed. “You’re a prick. I hate you a lot for what you said, but I hate you even more because you’re not being honest.”

Calum looked over at him. “I can’t love him, Mikey.”

“But you do,” Michael insisted, fighting against the quilt to free his arms so he could run his fingers through his messy hair. “How the hell can you be so blind?”

Calum looked down at his hands, his shoulders tight with tension. “Can I ask you something?”

“What?”

He looked over at his friend. “She said I got weird after they cut the cake. _Wherever You Are_ came on and I walked out?”

Michael sighed, pressing his fingers to his temples. “You’re such a fucking moron,” he mumbled.

Calum’s brow creased.

“ _Wherever You Are_ is by Hey Violet, yeah?”

Calum nodded.

“Hey Violet are signed to Hi or Hey.”

Calum frowned.

“ _Luke_ wrote that song.”

“No he didn’t.”

Michael raised a brow. “He did, Cal. It was the only song he wrote that he never wanted his name attached to.”

“Why not?” Calum asked.

Michael rolled his eyes. “Because he wrote it about _you_ , and he never wanted you to know.”

The information was like a sucker punch to the stomach. He was about to call bullshit, but the look on Michael’s face told him that the information was true.

Luke wrote Calum’s favourite love song.

Luke wrote the song _for_ Calum.

“It’s not on his Wikipedia page.”

Michael nodded. “He wrote it and gave it away to the band, and put their names on it. He thought it was too much, that if you knew it was about you, it’d make things harder. It was already hard enough.”

Calum pressed his palms against his ears, hearing the frantic beat of his heart. It was too much for him to hear, his heart couldn’t take it.

He’d heard the song years ago, and it definitely wasn’t his usual taste. He could remember ejecting _Take Off Your Pants & Jacket _from his car stereo before reaching for Green Day’s _American Idiot_ and dropping the disc on the floor of the passenger seat.

He’d weaved once before abandoning the risky behaviour, stuck with the radio until the next red light rolled around.

The guitar intro of the song caught his attention, and the lyrics seemed to hit him right in the chest. He found himself falling in love with the story behind the words, finding that it spoke to him. It explained his break up with Luke perfectly, and he knew it was what he needed to keep from calling the other man.

But to know it was written about him, to know that Luke struggled and battled every step of the way too…he didn’t know how to make peace with that.

“Go.”

Calum looked over at Michael. “What?”

Michael rolled his eyes. “Go and see Luke.”

“No,” Calum insisted, shaking his head. “No, I’m here to see you, to apologize. I’m not leaving until we’re okay.”

“We’re okay,” Michael sighed. “Just go and talk to Luke. _Listen_ to what he has to say, and wake up to yourself.”

Calum shook his head, reaching for Michael’s hand. “I am so _sorry_ , Mikey. For what I said, it was complete bullshit and I didn’t mean a word.”

“I know,” Michael said, annoyed. “You think I left that party thinking that you believed what you said? You were pissed off and had too much to drink and you were an asshole. I’ve known you long enough to know when you’re in the mood to pick a fight.”

“So you believe me?” Calum questioned. “That I was full of shit and a total prick?”

Michael’s lips quirked up into a smile. “Yes, okay? You hurt my feelings and it might take me a bit to get past it because it’s taken years for me to believe I’m worth more than shit, so yeah. You might have to deal with me being a dick for a while, but I’ll get there. You’re my best friend.”

Calum leant in and pulled Michael in against his chest, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “I love you, Mikey. I would give up anything for you.”

Michael snuggled in, his arms fitting around Calum’s chest. “Give up on being a stubborn prick,” he mumbled. “And skip out on work one day next week and come have a movie marathon. I haven’t watched _The Lord of the Rings_ in ages.”

Calum nodded, pressing another kiss to Michael’s cheek. “I promise. We’ll do _The Hobbit_ , too.”

Michael laughed, nodding his head as Calum released him. “Now go see Luke, yeah?”

The idea made Calum’s stomach roll, but he knew he had to. He needed to see those blue eyes and hear Luke admit that _Wherever You Are_ was for him.

He was ready to listen.

**

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Calum groaned, tripping immediately as he entered Luke’s childhood bedroom.

Like when they were kids, Luke was still messy, and Calum almost broke his neck on a discarded pair of vans left in the path towards the bed.

Luke was still asleep and under the covers, and Calum felt warmth spread through him as he watched him sleep. His hair was flattened on one side, and sticking up on the other, and the covers were bunched around his waist.

Calum navigated other landmines on the carpet to crawl onto Luke’s bed, and wriggled up to lay beside him. He leant over to kiss the tip of his nose, his hand reaching up to flatten some of his blonde hair.

“Mphmm.”

Calum smiled. “Good morning.”

Luke groaned. “Ssh, sleeping.”

“Is _Wherever You Are_ about me?” Calum was surprised to hear the question on his lips, not intending to let it tumble out like that, especially not when Luke was barely conscious.

He cracked an eye open before groaning. “Fuck Michael Clifford. He’s a fucking sieve.”

Calum smiled, snuggling closer. “Luke,” he whispered, fingers reaching out to wrap around his wrist. “Is it?”

Luke sighed and rolled onto his back, rubbing at his eyes. “Why does it matter, Cal?”

“Because it’s my favourite fucking song, Luke.”

Luke looked over at him, his brows drawn into a frown. “It’s not your style.”

“Not yours, either,” Calum countered. “But still, you wrote it, put someone else’s name on it and put it out there, and I fucking heard it. It described our break up perfectly and it helped me move on.”

Luke let out a bitter sounding laugh. “That was the intention,” he revealed. “It was supposed to be cleansing, it was supposed to help me move on, like you had.”

Calum frowned. “What do you mean? You were _fine_ , Luke. You left and you did everything you wanted to do. I was the one left behind.”

Luke snorted. “I beg to differ.”

“What do you mean?” Calum asked, watching the other man closely.

“I came back, Cal.”

“What?”

Luke sat up, reaching to pick up a discarded sleeveless shirt from the floor and tugged it on. “I moved to LA, and spent the first month wallowing in my piece of shit apartment. I wrote _Wherever You Are_ and a thousand other songs that will never see the light of day, and I let leaving you kill me.

I got rejected by record company after record company, and I decided to give up. I spent the last of my rent money on a ticket home, and I _came back_.”

Calum shook his head, sitting up. “No, no you didn’t,” he insisted. “You never called me, you never told me. You couldn’t have.”

“I did,” Luke insisted flatly. “I told mum and dad that I couldn’t do it, that leaving Sydney was a mistake, and I flew back.”

Calum couldn’t stop shaking his head, despite how the motion made his headache worse. He couldn’t wrap his head around the idea of Luke coming back. It had to be wrong, because Calum couldn’t remember seeing Luke before Jack’s wedding.

“I landed and went straight from the airport to FItzy’s,” Luke told him. “I knew you were still working there, and I thought if I could just _see_ you, if I could ask you to come back with me, everything would be fine.”

“No,” Calum whispered.

“It was busy, and it took me five minutes to get from the door to the bar but by the time I did, I’d seen enough.”

“No.” The word came out as a whimper as Calum felt the tears building.

“I was so jealous,” Luke laughed bitterly. “She was everything I wasn’t, obviously. Not as tall, but curvy. Long dark hair and delicate hands. She kissed you like she meant it, and it looked like you’d found everything you wanted, just in the way you touched her waist.”

“No, you couldn’t have,” Calum whispered.

“I did,” Luke said softly. “I watched when she pulled away, just how happy you were. You looked at her like she strung the moon and stars in the sky for you. How you used to look at _me_. I was still in love with you – I still am,” he admitted.

Calum’s throat was dry, and he wasn’t sure if was going to cry or be sick. How could he not have known Luke came back for him? Why did Ashton or Michael never mention it? Things would’ve been so different, if only he’d _known_.

“I never stopped loving you, Cal,” Luke murmured. “Even when I saw how happy you were with her, I couldn’t stop. But I couldn’t stay and watch you fall in love with her. LA became the only place where I didn’t have memories of you. I went back and gave _Wherever You Are_ away, and had to make it there, because I couldn’t come home.”

Calum felt the hot tears on his cheeks as he stared at the plaid pattern of Luke’s bed cover, and tried to process all of the information. If he’d _known_ Luke had come back, he would’ve gone to LA with him, they would’ve gotten back together.

But he’d disappeared without Calum ever knowing, and it had changed _everything_.

“It’s why you never visited,” Calum murmured. “How you were only here for three days when Jack got married.”

Luke nodded. “I couldn’t do it. To be honest, I didn’t think I’d make it the ten days this time, knowing you were engaged. I didn’t know if I could see you and keep it together.”

“But you sent me the song, the note. You showed up at my place and I thought…I thought you were the one that had moved on, and I was still lost in you.”

“I guess I picked up on some acting tips while living in LA.”

Calum swallowed, shaking his head. “This is what you meant last night, that I wasn’t ready to listen.”

“Yeah,” Luke confirmed softly. “I’m still not sure if you’re ready.”

Calum managed a weak, pained smile. “Too late now.”

Luke reached over and took Calum’s hand, giving it a squeeze. “I don’t expect you to say anything, okay? I’m going home in seven days and we don’t have to see each other again. I’ll stay away, I’ll take away the option.”

Calum could hear the pain in Luke’s voice, and it made him feel sick. He squeezed Luke’s hand tightly, shaking his head.

“I can’t lose you again,” he whispered.

“You’re getting married.”

Calum squeezed his eyes shut, feeling so angry with himself. How could he have been so stupid all those years ago, to believe that if he just buried his feelings for Luke, that they’d go away? It was immature and reckless, and now there was an innocent person dragged into their mess, and Calum had no idea how he could’ve let himself hurt her so much.

“I don’t know what to do,” Calum whispered, leaning over and wrapping his arms around Luke’s shoulders, pressing his face against his neck. “Just don’t stay away, don’t go.”

Luke’s arms wrapped around him tightly. “I can’t ask you to choose me.”

“I know,” Calum mumbled. “I know you won’t, but you get that it’s like that, yeah? That it comes down to you or her?”

Luke let out a soft noise. “Fuck, I’m so fucking sorry, Cal.”

Calum leant back and cupped his jaw, pressing a dry kiss to Luke’s lips. “Don’t be,” he whispered, leaning their foreheads together. “You changed me, Luke. When I met you and fell in love with you, you changed everything about me. You still do.”

Luke licked over his lips, his fingers curling in the front of Calum’s old Nirvana t-shirt. “I love you, and I’m so sorry.”

Calum ached to say it back, ached to assuage Luke’s fears, but the words were stuck in his throat.

“I love you,” Luke whispered again, pressing their lips together.

Calum kissed him back gently, fingers holding his jaw gently. “Luke,” he whispered, kissing down from Luke’s lips to the stud through his skin. He was gentle, using the soft kisses as an apology for the rushed ones the night before.

“Cal,” Luke whimpered softly, tugging Calum closer by his shirt.

Calum moved, pushing Luke back down onto his bed, sliding on top of him quickly as his lips kissed down his neck slowly.

Luke let out a soft sound of want, and Calum groaned. Their hips pressed together and Calum’s hands pushed up under the shirt Luke was wearing. His fingers grazed against the marks he’d left the day before against his hips, listening to Luke’s breath hitch.

“We should stop,” he panted softly.

Calum hummed, his lips on Luke’s throat.

“Cal,” Luke mumbled.

“Shit,” Calum whispered, pulling back.

He sat back on Luke’s thighs, looking down at the younger man. His face was flushed and there was a soft red mark on his throat in the shape of Calum’s lips.

“I think I need a few days.”

Luke nodded.

“No contact,” Calum clarified, though the idea physically hurt. He’d been without Luke for eight years, and now he was voluntarily giving him up?

“I get it,” Luke smiled, his hands falling to Calum’s denim-clad thighs. “Breathing room.”

Calum nodded. “A chance for me to think without distractions.”

Luke smirked. “Aww, I’m a distraction?”

Calum nodded, leaning down to kiss his nose. “Clearly,” he mumbled. “I can’t be in the same room as you without wanting to touch you.”

Luke bit down on his lip stud. “Yeah?”

“Mhm,” Calum confirmed. “I miss the ring, by the way.”

Luke smiled, biting his teeth into the stud. “I thought the ring was a little too young,” he explained.

Calum snorted. “ _You’re_ still young,” he pointed out. “I’m the one who’s thirty first.”

Luke grinned, reaching up to card his fingers through Calum’s hair. “I forgot about that. What, five months until the big 3-0?”

Calum nodded, kissing the tip of Luke’s nose. “Then we’ll be celebrating yours a few months after.”

The grin faltered on Luke’s face, and Calum realized what he’d said. He sat up, pulling himself away from Luke and ran a hand through his hair.

“I’m sorry.”

“No,” Luke insisted, pushing himself up onto his elbows. “Maybe we should just…put that no contact thing into effect?”

Calum nodded, knowing that the longer he lived inside of the bubble with Luke, things were only going to get harder.

He shifted off of the other man, getting up from the bed altogether. “You leave next Sunday?”

Luke nodded, throwing the covers off of his legs and got out of bed. “I have a late flight. But, if I could ask one thing?”

“Yeah?”

Luke smiled sadly. “Put me out of my misery before next Sunday, okay?”

Calum nodded quickly, feeling his stomach clench. He didn’t even try to stop himself as he pulled Luke in, pressing the softest of kisses to his lips. “I promise,” he murmured gently.

Luke nodded, tugging at his shirt to keep from putting his hands on Calum. “You should get married, Cal.”

Calum swallowed, stepping away from Luke altogether.

“Things were fine before I came back, right? You were happy?”

“I didn’t know what I was,” Calum insisted.

“No,” Luke insisted softly. “You were _happy_. You were engaged and planning a wedding with your fiancé. I fucked all of this up for you.”

Calum reached for Luke’s wrist, shaking his arm gently. “Would you stop? Before you came back, I was living in a stupid fantasy world. I convinced myself I’d forgotten about you, and then the song showed up and kicked my ass.”

Luke smiled. “I’m still sorry. For showing up, for all of it. I want you to be happy.”

Calum felt hungover all over again. The emotions were weighing on him so heavily he could feel himself sinking, and he had to decide how to save himself. With someone so familiar, such a tightly woven piece of his past, or someone who had given him everything, without ever asking for anything in return?

“I’ll talk to you soon,” Calum vowed softly, letting go of Luke’s wrist.

The other man nodded, running a hand through his bed hair. “Good luck, Cal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh! Thank you to EVERYONE who read the last chapter! I have absolutely loved reading your comments and I'm so baffled (but flattered) to see the hit count climbing higher and higher!
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this chapter, it was time for Calum to go crawling back to Michael, and I think in this chapter, Michael is a lot more emotionally mature than Cal is, which is different for their relationship. The fact that Michael can forgive him (or at least put his feelings aside) to give Calum advice is such a show of maturity, I think!
> 
> Please let me know what you think! Special, huge, super awesome thanks to the following people for their comments on the last chapter! forest_of_flowers, m1rtsu, robbers, aalexandravictoriaa, calum_xxx_hood, princeliam and thewintersoldier, you are all stars! Thank you!
> 
> Come and find me on tumblr if you'd like, I'm crash-queen!
> 
> Until next time!


	7. Empty With You

Calum let out a soft sigh, pressing his eyes shut. His laptop sat on his thighs, the audio files on the flash drive playing in a constant loop.

He’d managed to drown out the sound of his own voice, knowing that deep down, he wasn’t listening to the song to hear himself. He was listening for Luke.

Who he hadn’t seen since the day before, and it was slowly killing him.

“Babe?”

Calum turned off the song as Scooby jumped down from where she’d been curled into Calum’s hip on the couch, her nails skittering over the tiles as she greeted her at the front door.

“Hi baby girl,” she cooed, and Calum closed his laptop and set it aside, dragging himself up off the couch.

When he saw her he smiled. She was wearing the yellow blouse he loved so much; the sleeveless one that she tucked into her navy blue skirt, that showed off her amazing legs and cute ass.

“Hi honey,” she greeted warmly, meeting him in the centre of the living room to press a kiss to his lips. “How was your day?”

He shrugged, his arm fitting around her waist. “The same,” he answered vaguely. “Can’t shake this headache, though.”

“Still?” she asked, her brow creased in worry. “That’s two days now. Are you sure you shouldn’t go and see Doctor Norman?”

“It’s just a headache,” he sighed, squeezing her hip before he let go, bending down to scoop Scooby into his arms.

“You’re not taking too many Panadol, right?”

He smiled. “No more than eight a day, _mum_.”

She wrinkled her nose and swatted at his ass. “Excuse me for caring.”

She left the living room, heading down the tiled hallway to the kitchen, dropping her purse and a few grocery bags onto the counter.

Calum watched her, his eyes following each move she made, and it wasn’t hard to remember why he’d fallen in love with her. She was _fun_ , in the sweetest way possible. She loved to laugh and dance, and spoil him, and he’d felt all things he couldn’t remember feeling with Luke.

But of course he’d felt them with Luke.

Luke had changed everything about him.

They’d met at Michael’s tenth birthday party. It was superhero themed, and Calum had been The Flash, with tight red pants that were too long, so he’d tripped and torn a hole in the knee of his costume shortly after arriving to the party, and he’d had to hold back his tears as he’d inspected the gravel rash on his tanned skin.

He couldn’t cry, not in front of Michael and all his friends. There were people there he didn’t know, and he’d found Mrs Clifford to tell her of his injury, and she’d taken him into the bathroom to fix up his knee, putting a Power Rangers band aid over the small graze.

He’d burst out into the party with renewed energy, joining in when all the other superheroes had a chance to bash away at the piñata.

Calum could remember a short blonde boy wearing a Batman costume. He hadn’t wanted to join in with the piñata, and he’d been too afraid to pin the tail on the donkey. Calum had watched him, and saw another young boy with long, dirty blonde curls trying to rope him into a few games, but the blonde had remained steadfast.

It wasn’t until pass the parcel was over – Calum had been lucky enough to unwrap _two_ layers – and he had two mini Mars Bars, that he approached the boy, eating a few carrot sticks beside the jumping castle.

Calum had handed over the Mars Bar, introduced himself, and waited patiently for the other boy to whisper his name softly – _Luke_. Calum had managed to drag him into the jumping castle, where he held Luke’s hand and they’d jumped as high as they could, their laughter ringing out.

After the party, Calum didn’t see Luke again for years. He’d been Michael’s friend from childhood, but he’d grown up in a different suburb of Sydney. It wasn’t until they started high school, that he saw him again.

The first day at Norwest Christian College, Calum had been beyond overwhelmed, and felt the need to cry at different points during his day. It felt like _too much_ , that he was still too young to start high school. He was barely thirteen – he wasn’t ready.

He’d been sitting alone under a tree in the playground waiting for Michael to return from the bathroom when someone had sat down beside him, and held out a Mars Bar.

Calum’s eyes had found the familiar blue ones that he hadn’t seen in three years, and he couldn’t help but grin.

Luke had smiled, his hair long and curling around his ears. He dropped the chocolate bar into Calum’s hand and winked.

_“I thought I’d return the favour.”_

It hadn’t taken Calum long to fall for Luke, after that. After they were suddenly joined at the hip, and Michael wasn’t too happy with losing Calum’s attention. There had been a period of two years where Calum had been stuck in the middle of the two of them, pulled every which way, and asked on many occasions to _pick a side, Hood!_

It wasn’t until Michael’s diagnosis that everything seemed to simmer down.  Suddenly petty quarrels between friends didn’t seem so important, when Michael was out of school for two weeks in an out-patient program at a children’s hospital in the city.

Calum could remember holding Luke’s hand after visiting Michael for the first time in weeks. How subdued and withdrawn their usually vibrant friend was, how he didn’t even seem to be there, anymore.

They’d caught the bus to the closest stop near Luke’s house after, and Calum had held his hand the entire way, letting Luke sob quietly into his chest.

Michael didn’t go back to school for months after, until he’d been started on the first of many antidepressants, but by then the damage was done. He was there, but he wasn’t _there_ , and Calum watched the light in his eyes start to slowly dim.

It was when things with Luke had turned serious, when Calum was almost fifteen and Michael was being so severely bullied, and eventually made the decision to drop out of school. Luke had showed up at his house on Thursday night, hiccupping and gasping with sobs so intense that Calum had to make him sit down in the front yard to get him to breathe again.

_“I don’t want Mikey to go.”_

Calum had wrapped his arms tight around Luke’s waist and squeezed him, pressing his nose against his hair. As much as he hadn’t wanted to lose Michael, the idea of somehow losing Luke too, broke his heart.

They’d kissed for the very first time in Calum’s front yard, as it had turned from early evening to late; Calum acted on the feelings he’d been trying to identify since he was thirteen, having suddenly realized that it was a little more than friendship.

Luke had kissed him back immediately, but had stopped him after a moment.

_“Not like this. Not when we’re both sad about Mikey.”_

It wasn’t until Luke’s fifteenth birthday, that they finally kissed again, and Calum knew he was in love. They’d been forced into a closet by Ashton, who had leant against the closed doors and told them they couldn’t come out until one of them had a hickey.

Michael had laughed, and Calum knew he’d do anything to hear the sound again, so he’d pushed Luke up against the Hemmings’ Christmas tree, and sucked a bruise into his throat after kissing him until they couldn’t breathe.

Calum had loved Luke since he was fifteen.

And he was pretty sure he still did.

**

“You look like shit.”

Calum lifted his head from the assignments he had on his desk, red pen in his right hand. Ashton almost looked smug from where he stood at the door, a take away coffee cup in his hand. Calum wanted to tell him to go away, but he couldn’t muster the energy.

“Don’t tell me you’re hungover.”

Calum sighed and put the red pen down, and leant back in his creaky office chair. “ _No_ , I’m not _hungover_ ,” he said sarcastically. “But thanks for the vote of confidence in my ability to handle my emotional tribulations.”

Ashton laughed and nudged the door shut to Calum’s small office. He took a seat in the only available chair in the room, after removing a bag of soccer balls from the surface. “How are you? Really?”

Calum shrugged, looking down at the assignments again. He’d been working on them for twenty minutes, and he still hadn’t graded a single one. His mind wasn’t there, _he_ wasn’t there.

“We fought, last night.”

Ashton made a face. “About Luke?”

Calum shook his head, reaching up to rub at his eyes. “My _emotional unavailability_ ,” he almost sneered.

“Well,” Ashton countered, setting his cup down.

“Oh please,” Calum sighed. “Don’t tell me you agree with her.”

Ashton pursed his lips. “You haven’t been yourself since the party.”

Calum _knew_ that, and he didn’t want to talk about it. He felt like he’d been talking about it for days now.

_“Cal!”_

_Calum groaned, letting his head fall back against the couch as he heard her call out from the kitchen. “Whaaat?” he whined in response._

_“Did you have honey in your porridge this morning? It’s all over the bench!”_

_He pressed his eyes shut, trying to keep the lid tight on the anger that wanted to escape. “Sorry, I thought I got it all.”_

_She clicked her tongue from the kitchen. “It’s not like you,” she pointed out. “You’re usually more considerate.”_

_“Sorry.”_

_The apology wasn’t heartfelt, and almost sounded cruel coming from his mouth. It had her coming down the hall into the living room, her brow raised._

_“Sorry,” he muttered again, unsure what he was apologizing for._

_“What’s going on with you?” she asked softly, arms crossed over her chest. “You’re not yourself.”_

_“Jesus,” he groaned. “I’m having a bad day!”_

_Her eyes widened. “Okay, Cal,” she said softly._

_“Don’t call me Cal,” he demanded roughly, and she’d given him a hurt look before leaving the room._

_He’d slept on the couch that night._

“Have you spoken to Luke?”

Calum shook his head. “No, we decided not to until I figured things out.”

“You’re really going to do it?” Ashton asked softly. “Choose between them?”

Calum felt his stomach churn, and he reached for Ashton’s coffee, taking a big gulp. “I dunno,” he murmured softly.

Ashton nodded slowly. “He’s leaving on Sunday.”

“I know,” Calum nodded. “Which means I have five days to figure this out.”

“Can I make a suggestion?”

“Sure,” Calum sighed tiredly.

“Think about who makes you happy. Who you want to come home to at the end of the day. Who you _want_ , Cal. I think you’ll find you already know the answer.”

Calum shrugged, picking up Ashton’s cup again. “I wrote my vows.”

Ashton frowned. “You did? I thought you were struggling?”

Calum crushed his eyes shut, feeling his head start to pound. “No, not for her,” he murmured, looking over at Ashton with a pained look on his face. “For Luke. I wrote vows for Luke.”

**

“Calum?”

Calum had a confused look on his face when he looked up from his computer, like he couldn’t process the fact that his fiancé was standing in the doorway to his office, her lips in a straight line and her brows furrowed.

He sat back in his chair, listening to it creak painfully. He vaguely wondered if Ashton had called her after his visit earlier in the day, and his stupid vow confession.

He never should’ve written them, and his intention hadn’t been to write anything at all when he’d sat down in front of his computer Sunday night, to put together a lesson plan for his year eight’s practical assessment.

He’d opened Word and had just started typing, not realizing until he was eclipsing a page that every word was about Luke. His deep blue eyes, his lip stud, his long legs, his laugh. He was so tightly woven into the words, that Calum had shed a few tears as he read them.

It was then he realized just how truly complicated the entire mess was; not that it hadn’t been horribly complicated before, but now he was realizing that making a _choice_ , would change _everything_.

He guessed that was when he’d started pulling away from her. Staying up late for “work” so he didn’t have to fall asleep beside her, “helping” Ashton with some things after school, which was usually just Calum sitting in his car down by the beach.

“Are you okay?” he asked, his voice gravelly as he looked at the time on his computer. It was only shortly after lunch; he’d have his year eleven class in forty-five minutes.

“No, not really,” she admitted, entering his office and sat down in the chair Ashton had claimed earlier that day. “I think we need to talk, and I couldn’t wait until you got home.”

There was a part of him that was wishing she’d break up with him, that she’d make the decision easy, but as he watched her twirl the engagement ring on her finger, he knew she wouldn’t. She _loved_ him, despite how undeserving he was of that love.

“You haven’t told me anything about you and Luke,” she started softly. “So I might be out of left field for assuming it, but is there something that I don’t know? Because you haven’t been yourself since the party.”

He suddenly wished he could be anywhere else in the world. He felt trapped and cornered into a conversation he knew he would never be ready to have.

“I accepted that you were bisexual,” she continued gently. “It didn’t bother me, you know that. But you’ve only been in two relationships; one with me, and one with Luke. And I know _nothing_ about him. How you met, how you started dating, why you broke up. But there’s something I’m missing, right? Because the moment you saw him at the party, you changed.”

He swallowed, clenching his jaw. “I don’t want to talk about Luke.”

She smiled sadly. “I know, but at this point, we _need_ to. We’re getting married in fifteen days, Cal. And it’s like you’re not even here anymore. I need to know where you are.”

“That has nothing to do with Luke,” he insisted lamely, his voice weak and unconvincing.

“You know how much I love you,” she said softly, her bottom lip trembling. “And how much I respect you, but you can’t keep pushing this away. I had hoped you’d tell me about him in your own time, but it’s been eight years. “

“There’s nothing to tell,” he insisted, his frustration starting to grow.

“Why did you break up?” she pressed. “ _When_ did you break up? When did he move to LA, how old were you when you met? What happened when you came out to your parents?”

“Stop,” Calum insisted, feeling his jaw clench.

She ignored him. “Did you even come out? Did Luke’s family know about your relationship? Why didn’t you introduce us at Jack’s wedding?”

“Jesus!” Calum demanded angrily, hid brow creasing into a frown. “I said _stop_ ,” he spat. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

She shook her head. “No, Cal. I’m going to be your _wife_! What the hell happened?”

“Nothing happened,” he said, standing up quickly.

“Are you still in love with him?”

“I don’t know!”

He watched her face crumple as his words sunk in. Her shoulders slumped, and the disbelief on her face was breaking his heart.

“Oh God,” she whispered softly. “You’re still in love with him.”

Calum swallowed, sitting back down in his chair and rolled toward her. “I’m sorry, I jus-“

She shook her head, her shaking hands opening her purse to dig inside, and pulled out a tissue, dabbing it to her eyes. “Do you still want to marry me?”

“I-I…yes,” he whispered.

She sniffed, tears starting to roll down her cheeks. “I’m late, Cal.”

“Late for what?”

She crushed her eyes shut, turning her head away from his as her shoulders shook. “Three days,” she continued. “I never would’ve said anything, because I’ve been late before, but you’re in love with someone else, so…”

Calum froze when the words sunk in, when he got what she was saying. She was _late_ , and he’d slept with Luke, and now things were so complicated and messy, and it was all his fault.

“I haven’t even taken a test,” she continued, smudging her mascara with the tissue. “But we need all cards on the table,” she said sadly.

“You said you’ve been late before?” he rasped.

She let out a soft sound of disbelief. “I’m not always regular, you know that. I was due Saturday, and now it’s Tuesday, and you’re…you don’t want me to be, do you?”

Calum felt panicked, and for each second that passed, the more obvious it was that he absolutely – one hundred percent – did _not_ want her to be pregnant.

“It’s sooner than we planned,” he tried weakly.

“Don’t,” she whispered. “You’ve said enough, without saying anything at all.” She went to leave, but he stopped her, guiding her back into her seat.

“I love you,” he whispered softly. “It’s not the right time,” he tried, taking her hand. “But if you are - if _we_ are – then we’ll make it work.”

She looked at him for a long moment. “What about Luke?”

Calum’s gut twisted. “It’s nothing,” he lied, finding the words spilled out effortlessly. “Just hard to see him after all these years.”

“Why won’t you talk about him?” she asked, shredding the tissues in her lap.

“I don’t know how to talk about it,” Calum said, truthfully. “I didn’t think about him at all for so many years, and now that he’s back it just reminds me of how it was. But I _love_ you,” he insisted softly. “And if this is going to happen now, then I’m happy.”

She looked dubious, but there was hope in her eyes. “Calum, you scared me. I came here thinking I’d leave and we’d be broken up.”

He cupped her cheek, leaning in to kiss her nose. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “For today, for the past few days. We’re getting married, and we might be having a baby. That’s all that matters right now.”

“Are you sure?” she whispered.

With a sinking feeling in his stomach, Calum forced a smile and nodded.

He had to end things with Luke.

**

Ashton looked at Calum closely, watching him peel the label off his bottle of beer. Fitzy’s was quiet for a Tuesday afternoon, as Ashton had expected. He felt like there wouldn’t be so much drinking as there would be talking; judging by Calum’s lacklustre invitation when they were heading to their cars at the end of the day.

“We’ve been here twenty minutes and you haven’t said anything, Cal.”

Calum looked over at him, and forced a tight smile. “I might be a dad; soon. In, I don’t know, a few months?”

Ashton frowned.

“She might be pregnant,” Calum mumbled, looking back down at his beer that he’d barely touched.

Ashton’s jaw fell open, gaping at his friend. “S-She had wine at Liz’s party.”

Calum nodded. “She’s only three days late. Hasn’t taken a test yet.”

Ashton had to use his hand to close his jaw, pressing his fingertips against his lips. But even the barrier couldn’t keep the next question from tumbling out.

“What about Luke?”

Calum sighed. “I have to end it,” he nodded. “Even if she’s not, I proposed, we’re getting _married_. Like, this time in three weeks, I’m meant to be her husband. I can’t…I can’t do that to her.”

“Do you love her, though?”

“Of course,” Calum said softly.

Ashton shook his head. “No. Do you love _her_ as much as you love _Luke_?”

Calum swallowed and picked up his beer and took a long drink before setting it back down on the table. “I love her,” he repeated. “We’re getting married.”

“Oh Cal,” Ashton murmured quietly.

Calum clenched his jaw, running his fingers over the condensation beading together on the tabletop. “It’s fine,” he insisted. “She…she’s been with me for eight years, Ash. I love her, I honestly do. I love her parents and her family and I love our house and our life. I can’t just give all that up because Luke is back in town.”

“Yeah, but Luke-“

“Luke left,” Calum interrupted flatly. “He decided to move to LA, and he did, and I moved on. Things were unresolved, so now that he’s back, I’m feeling a little mixed up. It’s…it’s nothing.”

“Bullshit,” Ashton said softly, sadly. “Luke isn’t _nothing_ to you, Cal.”

“He has to be,” Calum insisted. “She might be pregnant, and I’m not letting my kid grow up without a dad.”

“But you’ll let him or her grow up with a dad who doesn’t love their mum?”

“I _do_ love her,” Calum spat softly. “Jesus, Ash. Don’t turn into Michael on me. I _love_ her. I let seeing and thinking about Luke get in the way of that, and I’m _sorry_ for that. It’s not fair on her, or on Luke. But it was a mistake.”

Ashton sighed, knowing that there was no getting through to Calum. He could be awfully stubborn when he wanted to be.

“Luke will meet someone in LA, and he’ll move on too.”

“He hasn’t met anyone worth it in eight years,” Ashton mentioned, taking a sip from his beer. “ _He_ is the one that you’re going to hurt.”

There was no way around it; someone was always going to end up hurt.

“I’m going home,” Ashton sighed. “I need to go see my mum, give her a hug. I just…I can’t deal with this.”

Calum nodded, finishing his beer. “I need to go and see Luke.”

Ashton looked at him sadly, reaching across the table to lay his fingers against Calum’s forearm. “Don’t…don’t sleep with him or kiss him, it wouldn’t be fair.”

Calum’s dark eyes softened for a moment, but the resolve returned quickly. He nodded curtly, and watched Ashton leave the bar.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys! I seriously can't believe how many awesome, lengthy comments I got on the last chapter! You completely blew me away with your flailing (and I hope you don't mind how hard I flailed back!). It means so much to me!
> 
> Here's the next installment...Calum isn't really doing himself any favors, is he? But I'm glad I got to share with you the back story with how Luke and Calum met (and a little more insight into Michael's history with depression & anxiety). 
> 
> Please let me know what you think! Special thanks to Lala, fivesecondsofslash, thewintersoldier, Rof, thatfangirlingfreak, ashtxns, halfhuman2214, robbers, calum_xxx_hood, aalexandravictoriaa, givemelove and forest_of_flowers for their comments on the last chapter, it means a lot!
> 
> Until next time! xoxo


	8. Kissing You Goodbye

“Hey.”

Calum felt like throwing up the moment he laid eyes on Luke.

He was standing at the door to his childhood bedroom, his feet bare and only dressed in skinny jeans and Calum’s LA Lakers t-shirt.

“I was wondering where that had ended up,” he commented softly.

Luke smiled. “I may have appropriated it before I moved. It’s my favourite.”

Calum nodded, and shoved his hands into his pockets.

Luke reached out and pulled him into his room, and shut the door, guiding Calum to his unmade bed, and sat him down on the edge.

Calum looked over at him quickly, flashing a quick, grateful smile.

“It’s okay,” Luke said softly.

Calum nodded his head, looking down at his knees.

“Seeing you after not seeing you for so long has been great,” Luke continued softly. “I know we never intended to sleep together, but it meant a lot, to me. To be able to be that close with you again, to be able to touch you and kiss you. It made eight years disappear, Cal.”

Calum’s eyes filled with tears.

“And I love you so much, and I’m so proud of you. For going to uni and becoming a teacher. I know how unsure you were about what you’d do with your life, and even though we joked about writing together professionally, I’m glad you went down your own path.”

“Why are you saying all this stuff?” Calum murmured, a few tears tracking down his cheeks.

“Because,” Luke said softly. “Because you can’t, and so I’m doing it for you.”

Calum looked over at him and swallowed. “I…this past week was great,” he mumbled. “But…eight years, Luke.”

Luke smiled sadly. “I know. The ship has sailed. I’m sorry for all the confusion, and I honestly mean that. As selfish as I want to be and say I don’t regret it, I do. I didn’t want to wreck things for you and I hate that I have.”

“It’s fine,” Calum murmured. “We’re both…we both decided to do what we did.”

Luke leant in, pressing his nose against Calum’s cheek. “I’ll miss you so much, Cal.”

Tears continued to track down Calum’s cheeks, and he reached for Luke’s hand, lacing their fingers together tightly.

“She…she might be pregnant.”

Luke sat back. “Oh.”

Calum nodded, sniffing loudly. “She’s just late, at this stage. But…it gave me a kick in the ass.”

“Ssh,” Luke whispered, leaning back in. “You don’t have to say it, I get it.”

Calum let out a pained laugh. “Why are you so great? You should be pissed, you should be upset.”

“I am,” Luke murmured softly. “But you don’t need pissed off or upset Luke right now.”

Calum turned and wrapped his arms tightly around Luke and dragged him in, pressing his face into his neck as he let out a sob.

Luke’s arms encircled him and pulled him close, running a hand through Calum’s dark hair.

Calum just sobbed, committing Luke to memory. It would be the last time he’d ever hold the other man, and as much as that broke him, he had to believe he was doing the right thing.

“You’re doing the right thing,” Luke whispered softly into his ear. “Calum, you’re going to be an amazing dad,” he whispered. “I think you’ll have a boy first, you know? A little mate to chase after you at soccer practice.”

Calum sobbed, grabbing fistfuls of Luke’s shirt. He wanted him to _stop_ , but at the same time, he wanted to hear his voice in his ear forever.

“You’ll be a great husband, too. I know you have it in you, Cal. You love her so much, and this is the right choice. She makes you really happy, and there’s nothing to say that you and I would even work out again,” he hiccupped.

Calum nodded and pulled back, wiping at his eyes. “I’m so _sorry_ , Luke.”

Luke managed a tight smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “Thanks for Saturday, okay? Not just the sex, but for just...for letting us have that last goodbye. For being able to hold you and tell you about _Wherever You Are_. I feel, I dunno. Peaceful?”

Calum sniffed, wiping his nose on his sleeve. “I’m sorry that eight years ago I just…we didn’t do it properly.”

“What, break up?” Luke asked.

Calum nodded. “I just…I said I wouldn’t go, and you left. But this time, I mean at least…”

“I know,” Luke nodded, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “This time it’s over.”

The words make Calum feel nauseous, and he leant in to press a soft kiss to Luke’s lips, despite Ashton’s earlier warning.

Luke seemed to be thinking straight, and pushed him away. “C’mon, Cal. Don’t make it harder.”

Calum nodded, hugging him tightly. “I’m sorry.”

Luke squeezed him and let him go, getting up off his bed. “Alright, you’ve gotta go,” he said, letting out a humourless laugh, and wiped at his cheeks.

Calum stood and reached for him again, but Luke took a step back and Calum was crushed. He had no right to demand affection from Luke, not now the final nail had been hammered into the coffin that was their relationship.

“Congratulations, okay?” Luke said. “If you’re going to be a dad. Let my mum know, she’ll keep me updated.”

Calum nodded, his hands pressing back into his pockets.

“Alright, Cal,” Luke said softly. “You gotta go.”

Calum knew why, that the other man was just barely holding on, and Calum’s heart shattered into pieces as Luke’s bedroom door closed and he could hear the pained, muffled sob from behind it.

**

Calum shut the front door quietly, hoping she was already in bed.

He’d gone down to the beach after leaving Luke’s, and had drowned his sorrows in watching the waves, trying to put everything that had happened into perspective.

He’d made his choice, and Luke would be leaving and he’d go back to how things were before. He’d forget about cheating, about sleeping with Luke, and he’d get married and possibly become a father. He just needed to mourn for what he had with Luke, knowing that it would take some time to fully heal the sucking wound in his chest.

“Cal?”

He bit down on his bottom lip to keep from sighing, and toed off his shoes, finding her in the living room. There was a book open on the couch, and Scooby was curled up on her lap.

“Hey,” she greeted softly.

“Hi,” he mumbled. “Sorry I’m late, I got a beer with Ash.”

She nodded. “Are you alright?”

Calum knew the answer was _no_ , but he knew it wouldn’t benefit either of them by admitting it. “I’m fine.”

She nodded. “I bought a pregnancy test, I thought that we could, I don’t know. I was waiting for you to get home so we could decide.”

“Could we…do it in the morning?” Calum asked tiredly. “I just want to sleep.”

She nodded, getting up off the couch, nudging Scooby down onto the floor.

He looked at her, and tried to imagine what she’d look like pregnant. She was beautiful now, but the roundness of her belly would be stunning.

He _loved_ her, more than anything.

He met her in the hall and pulled her in gently and pressed a soft kiss to her cheek. “I’m sorry I’m late.”

She smiled, resting her hand on his forearm. “It’s okay.”

He nodded, holding her close against his chest. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” she mumbled against his shoulder.

They climbed the stairs together holding hands, and while Calum knew things weren’t perfect, he was going to try damn hard to make sure they were.

**

Calum turned the First Response Pregnancy Test box over in his hands while she was in the bathroom.

“Three minutes, huh?” he called out, pulling out the instruction sheet to see what images to look for.

Two lines was positive, one negative.

He honestly wasn’t sure which one he wanted.

“God,” she groaned from the bathroom. “I’ve needed to go all morning, and now I can’t.”

He laughed from where he sat on the edge of their made bed, eyes on the clock to make sure neither of them would be late.

“Okay, finally,” she muttered.

Calum felt better after a few solid hours of sleep. His heart was still aching, and Luke was still on his mind, but the rest had given him some clarity.

Luke was right, he was making the right decision. He was engaged and in love and throwing it away on someone he wasn’t sure he could make things work with was crazy. Especially if she was pregnant.

“Okay, start the timer!” she called, and Calum pressed the stop watch button on his phone.

She flushed and walked out of the bathroom, tugging her pencil skirt down until it rested above her knees. “You okay?”

He nodded, already dressed for the day ahead, and patiently waiting for the results. There was part of him – the part he’d never acknowledge – that hoped she _was_ , just so it would justify his choice. If she was pregnant, he was doing the right thing.

But he’d tried to kill that part ever since he’d woken up and remembered they had to take the test. He would _not_ be thinking those thoughts when he found out he’d be a father.

“If I am, I can make an appointment with Doctor Adams,” she was saying, putting on her diamond earrings before applying lipstick in the mirror. “Hopefully for this week so we can get an idea of dates.”

Calum nodded.

“We will tell everyone now, or wait until three months?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Calum commented. “I mean, if we are, I’d like to tell Mali while she’s in town for the wedding. Doesn’t seem right to Skype her once she’s gone.”

She nodded. “Yeah, that sounds fine.”

“What about your parents?” Calum queried. “Is your dad going to shoot me for getting you pregnant before we’re married?”

She laughed, stringing a simple necklace around her neck, and checked her appearance in the mirror. “I doubt it. It’d be his first grandchild, so he can’t complain. Though we might want to get a few drinks into him first.”

Calum groaned, pressing his hand to his face. “That’s just what I need. Him threatening to kill me before we’re even married.”

“Oh come on,” she laughed. “He _adores_ you.”

Calum shrugged. “We’ll see how he feels after he finds out.”

She smiled, taking a seat beside him on the bed, reaching for his hand. “Are you nervous?”

Calum shrugged, unable to name what he was feeling. “I guess, a little? I know it’s not what we planned, but we’ll make it work.”

She nodded, lacing their fingers together. “I’m scared, just a little. I keep thinking about being a good mum.”

“Hey,” he smiled, kissing her forehead. “You’ll be a _great_ mum, I just know it.”

She pressed her lips together in a small smile. “I hope I’ll still fit into my dress.”

“Your final fitting isn’t until next week, and I doubt you’re going to balloon overnight.”

She smacked his arm. “Balloon? Jeez, word of advice babe, do _not_ liken me to a balloon when I’m ready to pop. You’ll be dealing with pregnancy hormones _and_ sleeping on the couch.”

He grinned, wrapping his arm around her, and pressed a soft kiss to her lips. “You’re beautiful. Now, and when you’ll be ready to pop.”

She smiled, closing her eyes as she leant into him, giving his hand a squeeze.

They spent the rest of the time waiting in silence, and they both jumped when Calum’s phone signalled the end of the three minutes.

“Shit,” she whispered, letting out a soft laugh as Calum shut the alert off. “ _Now_ I’m nervous.”

Calum smiled, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Want me to go and check?”

“Please,” she nodded.

He got up off the bed, feeling like his legs were made of lead as he crossed to the bathroom, and stepped inside.

The pregnancy test was by the sink, and he didn’t hesitate to pick it up to see two faint lines.

“Babe, you might want to call the dressmaker,” he called out. “You’re might have a bump to hide.”

**

“Wow.”

Calum nodded.

“Wow.”

“You said that already.”

Ashton blinked, looking at Calum over the rim of his coffee cup.

They’d been in the teacher’s lounge for five minutes before Calum had let the news slip, and Ashton had been mostly non-responsive since then.

“I’m sorry,” Ashton said, taking a sip from his mug. “I just…wow. Congratulations, man.”

Calum smiled, nodding his head. He’d felt a million emotions since finding the positive test, but on the whole he was happy. Or…on the way to being happy, anyway.

He thought of Luke, knowing that now there was a baby on the way, things were truly over. Calum had been selfish enough to think if she _wasn’t_ , then maybe he could be with Luke, but the callousness of the thought made him feel sick, and he pushed it away quickly.

He forced himself to think of _her_ , of their son or daughter that could possibly be arriving sometime next year.

“How is she?”

“Shocked, I think,” Calum answered, pouring some hot water into his mug, stirring in two sugars to his black cup of tea. “Happy, though. She cried a lot and touched her belly.”

Ashton smiled. “That’s good, right? I mean, after yesterday?”

Calum nodded, picking up his mug. It was chipped, but it had been a gift from his year twelve class last year, just before graduation. There was a picture of a trophy, and on the nameplate of the trophy were the words ‘Best Teacher’ and his name printed onto it.

He always made sure his first cup of tea or coffee of the day, was made in that mug.

“How are you, after yesterday?”

Calum followed Ashton out of the lounge, weaving between students milling around before the bell rang.

“I’m okay,” he answered honestly. “Things with Luke went well.”

“Yeah, he called me,” Ashton confirmed.

“Okay,” Calum said, taking a cautious sip from his mug as they walked. “Is he okay?”

Ashton nodded. “I think so. I feel like maybe he expected things to end up this way? Either way, he’s just enjoying the time at home before he has to go back to LA.”

Calum nodded, feeling his heart tug at the thought of Luke. He knew he’d be feeling that ache for months to come.

“So what happens now?” Ashton asked, stepping around a student so he didn’t spill his coffee.

“She’ll call her lady doctor today,” Calum supplied. “See if we can book in for an ultrasound to confirm and find out a due date.”

Ashton clapped him gently on the shoulder. “That’s great, man. I’m really happy for you. Though I’m not sure if the world is ready for another Hood.”

“Screw you,” Calum laughed, remembering to censor himself. “He’s going to be a soccer player, and fly his daddy all over for the world cup.”

Ashton snorted. “His dad _and_ his Uncle Ashton.”

Calum grinned. Even though his heart hurt, and the look on Luke’s face would stay with him forever, he felt okay.

Things would be okay.

**

Things were _not_ okay.

He got home from work to find her at the dining room table, her wedding planning book spread open on the surface. He knew that planning had taken a backseat for previous two weeks, but his head wasn’t really in the wedding game.

He’d spent the entire day thinking about his son or daughter, and what kind of father he wanted to be. He wasn’t _ready_ for wedding plans, but the smile on her face was so hopeful and sweet, he’d kicked off his shoes to have Thai take out, and talk about speeches.

They planned out the order they’d go in, and Calum had lied effortlessly and told her he’d written his speech already – he thought vows were his only problem, goddamn it – and let her show him templates of their wedding and seating chart.

“So we’re happy for your maternal grandparents to sit at the table with your parents, and move your aunt and uncle from New Zealand over to the second family table?”

Calum nodded, shovelling noodles into his mouth, careful not to get any sauce on the papers in front of him. “Only if we put my mum’s two other sisters and brother with them, because they _will_ complain and insist they’re being shunned if we split them up.”

She sighed, picking up an eraser and altered the seating plan. “Why is _this_ the hardest part in the whole wedding planning thing?”

He grinned. “Because, apparently, when it comes to the seating plan, it’s about what the _guests_ want, _not_ the bride and groom.”

She smiled and jotted down the names at a different circle on the page. “So is everything else okay?”

He set his dinner to the side and reached for the page, scanning his eyes over it. “I think so. But make sure there’s an extra seat at table three, just in case.”

She frowned. “I’m really not happy with Michael’s presence in our bridal party being up in the air.”

“I know,” Calum told her. “But that’s Michael. He’s going to try, and I don’t want him to think he’s failed if he can’t do it.”

“I don’t know about him sometimes,” she said softly.

Calum frowned. “He’s my best friend, and I’ll support him for the rest of my life.”

“Oh, I know,” she said lightly. “It’s just difficult sometimes.”

Calum’s frown deepened but he didn’t say anything, looking back at the plan. “Everything else looks fine. Make sure Liz, Andy, Ben, Jack and Celeste are together, with Michael’s dad, and Ashton’s family.”

She nodded. “I think they are already.” He handed the paper back and she double checked. “Oh, I have Ashton’s mum and siblings at table four.”

“No,” Calum said flatly. “Then need to be at three.”

“Honey, I can’t make a table of ten into a table of eight, it won’t work. Plus the extra for Michael.”

Calum frowned, taking the page back, and took a look for himself. “No, it’s not fair to split them up into separate tables. Just fit in two extra chairs.”

“Then the table will be crowded, and table four will be uneven.”

“Does it really matter?”

She frowned. “It matters to me.”

Calum snorted. “You really thinking you’re going to be worried about uneven tables on our wedding day?”

“I might be,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest.

Calum rolled his eyes and picked up the eraser and pencil, shoving two more seats onto table three.

“Cal!”

“Just spread the rest out so four won’t look so empty,” he suggested, sliding the page back and picked up his take away container.

She bit her lip.

“What else?” Calum asked, reaching his fill of wedding plans.

“We don’t have any songs picked,” she told him. “To walk down the aisle to, to sign the marriage certificate to, our first dance…”

“Well, wedding march to walk down the aisle,” Calum suggested. “Can’t they just put some instrumental stuff on shuffle for the ceremony?”

She pouted, shaking her head. “I don’t want a shuffled _playlist_ for our wedding ceremony.”

Calum shoved more food into his mouth. “Then you pick what you want, and I’ll go with it.”

The answer seemed to please her, and he sat back in his seat as she started to jot things down.

“I really love the instrumental version of that Ronan Keating song,” she smiled.

“Really?” Calum asked, through a mouthful of food. “The one from _Notting Hill_?”

She nodded. “It’s so beautiful. I think that should play during the ceremony.”

“Yeah, okay,” Calum assented.

“I’ve narrowed down our first dance to three songs, I need you to help me pick.”

Calum finished the last of his noodles and set the box aside, wiping his chin on his sleeve. “Okay, shoot.”

She shuffled through a few pieces of paper to find the one she was looking for. “Alright. I love Westlife, _Flying Without Wings_ , _More Than Words_ by Extreme, or _You Were Meant For Me_ by Jewel.”

Calum was stunned into silence, looking at her with an open mouth.

“What?”

“Uhh,” Calum muttered, his brows knitting together in a frown. “Are you sure you’re aware you’re marrying _me_?” he asked. “Those songs…I just… _what?_ ”

Her frown mirrored his. “What? They’re nice songs!”

“Songs that I don’t know or like!”

“Well, it’s not like you’ve thought of any!”

Calum rolled his eyes. “I’m just shocked that you managed to pick three songs that are so cheesy, and so _cliché-“_

“Fine,” she snapped, crossing them out. “You pick then. _Wherever You Are_ , right?” she asked.

Calum’s blood seemed to still in his veins at the mention of the song, and the crushing despair of breaking up with Luke was hitting him, full force.

“It makes sense,” she continued, jotting the song down. “You do love it.”

“Not that song,” he said, his voice quiet.

“Why?”

“Just, not that one,” Calum said, coughing to clear his throat.

“You hated the other three, it will do.”

“ _Luke_ wrote that song,” Calum felt the words slip out, and felt his shoulders crumble.

“Oh.”

“It’s just…not that song.”

“Okay,” she said softly, picking up the eraser once more.

Calum quickly excused himself after that, not in the mood for wedding planning.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys! Thank you so much for all your comments! I've been sick this week with bronchitis, and reading all your lovely thoughts have made me feel a tiny bit better! I apologize for the wait on this chapter, I'm still not feeling 100%, but now you get to see the awful break up of Calum and Luke. I can't decide who I feel worse for...Luke and his broken heart, or Calum and his need to do what's right. Let me know who you choose!
> 
> Special thanks to Geo, Her, Ishi, Sohomotho, calum_xxx_hood, forest_of_flowers, fivesecondsofslash, Tempestlamp, lxcifxrhemmo & aalexandravictoriaa for their comments! I appreciate it so much!
> 
> Until next time! 
> 
> xoxo


	9. Take It Away

“So, what did you tell work?”

Calum grinned over at Michael, a Dorito halfway to his mouth.

He’d been in Michael’s man cave since nine that morning, making good on his promise to blow off work for _The Lord of the Rings_ marathon. He didn’t have the attention span for his students, it seemed like he was so scatterbrained that he couldn’t concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes.

He had managed to get through _The Fellowship of the Ring_ so maybe all he had really needed was Michael and a movie marathon.

“Sick,” Calum answered, shoving the chip into his mouth as his friend crawled out of their blanket burrito for a bathroom break.

“Nice.” Michael grinned and disappeared out into the hall on his quest for the bathroom, and Calum was left in silence.

It had been silent at home, too.

They had their doctors appoint the next day; Friday, and he wasn’t at all concerned with speaking to her, if he could help it. He knew it was unfair; he’d caught the crestfallen look on her face the day before, wanting to smooth things over in regards to the wedding, but he’d just gotten dressed and went to work.

He wasn’t really _mad_ , anyway. But the mention of the song dragged Luke back into the forefront of his mind, and Calum found that he didn’t really want to push it away. He’d fought against the impulse to go and see him, to change his mind and go with his deepest wish in the bottom of his heart.

So he’d called into work and decided to escape to Michael’s, hoping to avoid all talk of weddings and babies and _doing the right thing_.

Michael – so far – had respected his wishes, and only muttered a soft congratulations on the end of a hug, and Calum had appreciated it, but he wanted to _forget_.

“So, did I tell you they want me back in Japan?” Michael asked, re-entering the room.

“No?” Calum responded, reaching for the can of Diet Coke on the coffee table next to him.

“Yeah, I’m not going,” Michael informed him, climbing back into his blankets.

Calum nodded. “You sure? You did have fun last time.”

Michael made a face. “It also took me three months to recover.” He reached for the chips, and shoved a few in his mouth. “I’m just...I don’t want to do that again. It’s too much. Plus, I’m technically on time off, so they should leave me alone.”

“You’re on time off?” Calum asked.

Michael rolled his eyes. “You keep telling me I’m your _best man_ so I took some time off to prepare.”

“To prepare?”

The grin slipped off Michael’s face, and he looked back at the TV. “My doctor wants me to try a new medication for the wedding,” he explained softly. “It’s just really overwhelming and I knew I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on work, so…”

“Shit, Mikey,” Calum mumbled. “I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be,” Michael insisted. “I don’t want to let you down.”

“Hey,” Calum said gently, reaching over to find Michael’s hand amongst the blankets. “You could never.”

Michael smiled. “So, did I tell you I tried to kiss Ashton?”

Calum’s brows gathered together and his mouth fell open. “I’m sorry, did you say _Ashton_?”

Michael grinned and nodded.

“What?” Calum squeaked, the Fellowship forgotten as his eyes went wide and he leant forward. “When? How?”

Michael laughed, his cheeks turning pink. “After Liz’s party. He took me home and I was really tripping out because of the meds. He said he’d stay and we were in my bed and I kissed him.”

Calum made a mental note to find Ashton and to punch him in the face for not telling him.

“He stopped me, of course,” Michael continued. “He’s just so _Ashton,_ you know?”

“I know!” Calum confirmed. “Shit, Mikey.”

“I was upset, but covered it well. He kept saying stuff like _‘I don’t want it to be because of the meds’_ and _‘shit, Mikey, since when_ ’?”

“Since when what?” Calum asked.

“I’ve sort of had feelings for him for a little while.”

Calum grinned. “Yeah? How long?”

Michael shrugged, his fingers folding the seam of the blanket over his legs over a few times. “Since Japan, the first time. How he came with me, so I didn’t have to fly alone. He managed my meds, and got me to the convention without having to depend on the alprazolam.”

Calum smiled.

“I don’t know, I think I told him all of that, and when I woke up I was really worried he wouldn’t be there, or he’d shut me down. But he was there, and he kissed me and I guess we’re just taking things slow.”

Calum couldn’t believe he’d been stuck so far into his own drama that he didn’t notice his two best friends possibly getting together. He was slightly – okay, maybe _really_ – miffed that Ashton hadn’t said anything, but Calum supposed that between all of his drama, the subject hadn’t really come up.

“That’s really great, Michael,” Calum nodded. “For both you _and_ Ash. I sometimes worry about him, you know.”

Michael nodded. “Me too. He’s too amazing, you know? To just be single forever.”

Calum smiled. “Will you keep me updated, yeah? He hasn’t told me yet, and I figure that’s probably because of all my shit.”

“Can I give you my opinion?”

Calum raised his eyebrows. “I’m sorry, is Michael Clifford _asking_ for permission before giving someone his honest take on things?”

Michael snorted. “First of all, fuck you, second…you’ve gone through shit lately and I don’t want to strike a nerve.”

Calum smiled. “I’m intrigued, so go ahead.”

Michael smiled, settling comfortably on his blankets. “You made the wrong choice, obviously,” he began. “Luke is fucking _wrecked_ , and I get _why_ you chose to stick with her. The baby thing is obviously a huge road block, and you have this sense of chivalry or _obligation_ that you need to stay, and it’s admirable, really.”

He paused, and Calum nodded for him to continue.

“You’re in love with Luke, and he’s in love with you and I just want you to be happy. But you’re staying for your kid, not for her. And I have nothing against her, really. If I thought you were happy with your decision, then I’d probably keep my mouth shut, but…Cal, I put a lot of faith in you and Luke. I saw how you looked at him at Liz’s party and you were _happy_.”

Calum could feel the tears build quickly, and they were tears of guilt and misery. Michael was _right_ , and as much as Calum hated to admit it, he had to give him credit for it.

“What are you doing, hm?” Michael asked. “He’s leaving in three days.”

“She’s _pregnant_ , Mikey,” Calum sighed.

“Yes, and that’s fine, alright? You can still be a dad even if you’re not married to the mum.”

Calum leant over and hugged Michael tightly. “Thank you, okay? Thank you for caring and being honest with me, but I’m not changing my mind.”

“Alright,” Michael said softly, pressing a kiss to his temple. “But you know you can always come to me to talk about Luke. I won’t judge you, even if you’re married to someone else.”

Calum nodded. “Okay, thank you.”

Michael kissed his cheek and let him go. “So, _The Two Towers_?”

**

Calum’s phone rang at the same moment he walked through the front door. He had the device in his hand, and saw her face as a Foo Fighters ringtone filled the silence of the foyer.

“Calum?”

He ignored the call and followed her voice, finding her in the dining room, an overnight bag on the table.

“What’s going on?” he asked slowly, disjointedly, unable to put things together in his head.

“I’m bleeding,” she said breathlessly, hooking her purse over her shoulder. “We’re going to the hospital.”

He nodded, feeling his stomach drop, and he followed her out to the car.

**

“Dude, you’re skipping out _again_?” Ashton asked as Calum answered his phone. “You usually text me when you’re not coming in, but that annoying jerk from the science department told me he was taking your afternoon classes, so what the hell, man?”

Calum blinked slowly, bending down to set Scooby’s food bowl down on the mat near the back door. His movements were slow, his body exhausted.

“Cal?”

“Ash,” he rasped softly, leaning up against the kitchen counter. “I’m not coming in today.”

“Obviously,” Ashton snorted. “It’s almost nine.”

“Sorry,” Calum said tiredly. “We only just got home.”

“Home? From where?”

Calum watched her walk up the stairs, her cardigan wrapped tightly around her. He waited until she disappeared into the bedroom before answering. “The hospital.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Ashton exhaled. “Shit, Calum. Is everything…okay?”

Calum sniffed, running his palm down his face. “There’s no baby.”

Ashton was quiet.

“She started bleeding and we went, and the doctors said she’s not pregnant.”

“Calum-“

“It was a late period,” Calum explained tiredly. “Only four weeks, so they call it a late period instead.”

“I’m leaving work, I’m coming over,” Ashton insisted.

“No,” Calum said, shaking his head. “I’m just going to sleep. We’re both exhausted and upset and it’s just…better if you don’t.”

Ashton sighed. “I’m so sorry, Cal.”

“It’s okay,” Calum said softly. “The doctors said it’s not like we lost…anything. Technically, she never was.”

“You lost something,” Ashton said softly. “Even if you never had it to begin with, you lost something.”

“I suppose,” Calum said softly.

“I’ll call you later then, to check up.”

“Okay,” Calum agreed. “Do you think you could call Mikey, let him know?”

“Of course,” Ashton said softly. “Will you give her a kiss for me?”

“I’ll try,” Calum promised. “She’s very upset, won’t really talk to me.”

Ashton sighed. “Jesus, Cal. I love you, okay? I’m _sorry_ and I love you.”

Calum swallowed, not wanting to get swept up in the emotions. He was too tired and had no energy for tears. They would come, but for now, he wanted to sleep.

“I love you too, Ash. Call me later?”

“I will,” Ashton promised and they hung up.

Calum turned his phone off, and left it on the kitchen counter, looking up the stairs to where she’d gone. He knew he should try to comfort her, to say something to let her know how he felt, but there was a numbness inside of him, a cold, hard brick of ice that was his heart, and he didn’t know _what_ he felt.

He didn’t want comfort from her, he didn’t want words or an embrace, he wanted to sleep.

So he made his way towards the living room, and passed out on the couch.

**

_“Shit, okay, hi. I wasn’t expecting your voicemail, but I guess I wasn’t expecting you to answer, either. Look, Ashton told me, and I know we said no contact, and I know I’m probably making it worse, but I’m sorry, Cal. I’m so fucking sorry that this happened and that it’s not, that she’s not, that you’re not…fuck._

_This was stupid, I’m so sorry I called, and now it’s on your voicemail, and I can’t fucking delete it and this is a train wreck and I’m sorry, and Cal, shit. I hope you erase this as soon as you hear my voice, because if you listen, this is going to crus h you and I don’t want to do that, because I love you, and fuck! What the fuck is wrong with me?!_

_I’m hanging up, I’m sorry.”_

_Pause._

_“This is Luke.”_

_Dial tone._

Calum hung up his phone after listening to the voice mail, and felt his face crack as he smiled. As painful as it was to hear Luke’s voice, his rambling, obscenity-laced diatribe made Calum feel warm from the inside out.

It was nice to hear his voice, comforting and smooth, despite how tired Calum still felt. It’s not like she was talking to him, though he heard her moving around upstairs.

He didn’t want to talk, not really, but there was something about Luke’s voice that made him feel warm, like there were arms around him, holding him close and tight.

He opened up his messages tab and selected Luke’s name, sending a short, but appreciative text.

_Thanks xo_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guysssssssss! Seriously, all these comments are amazing, and I appreciate each and every one! I am feeling much better, and I hope you all enjoy this latest chapter. I look forward to hearing your thoughts and any predictions of any upcoming story lines! Obviously this one is quite sad, and there are so many hearts that are breaking. 
> 
> Special thanks to thewintersoldier, Georgia, Sohomotho, spunkykiddo, fivesecondsofslash, Ishi, calum_xxx_hood, dxnise, forest_of_flowers, reader000, aalexandravictoriaa, lxcifxrhemmo for your wonderful comments! Keep them coming!
> 
> Until next time!
> 
> xoxo


	10. Pieces Mended

Calum let out a soft sigh, and looked up at the darkened windows before him. He had a handful of tiny pebbles in his left hand, and he was seriously debating if he should throw them, when he heard the warning of a low bark from the backyard.

The last thing he wanted was for someone to call the cops, so he hurled one gently up at the window, listening to it make a soft sound before falling away. He threw another three in quick succession, feeling his heart jump into his throat as a soft light filled the window.

He watched as the blinds were opened, followed by the window, and then he saw Luke’s familiar face.

“Are you really throwing rocks at my window?”

Calum smiled sadly, and shrugged his shoulder. “I know it’s not midnight, but forgive me.”

Luke smiled and eased the window open further. “You know you could use the front door?”

Calum reached out and grabbed onto the down pipe, planting his foot against it to test his weight. He climbed easily, like he did when he was a teenager, and waited for Luke to pop the fly screen out before he climbed through. “And miss the chance to reference a song you and Michael wrote when we were teenagers? No way.”

Luke’s hair was sticking up on one side, and he was rumpled in boxer briefs and Calum’s t-shirt. He was warmth and safety and _love_ , and Calum reached out for him, dragging him in.

“Hey,” Luke said softly, his arms winding around Calum tightly. “You okay?”

Calum shook his head, pressing his nose against Luke’s neck. “You’re leaving today.”

“Mhm,” Luke confirmed softly, his hands rubbing up and down Calum’s back to warm him up.

“Don’t go.”

“I have to,” Luke mumbled. “All Time Low, remember?”

Calum laughed softly, pulling back to look at Luke, to see a pillow crease on his left cheek. “I’m so sorry, Luke.”

“Ssh,” Luke silenced him. “The last thing you need to be doing is apologize. You…you’ve gone through something terrible and it’s not fair.”

“No, it’s not,” Calum admitted, moving to sit down on Luke’s bed, toeing off his Vans before crossing his legs.

Luke joined him. “Are you alright? It’s been a few days…”

“I don’t know,” Calum admitted softly. “She won’t talk to me and she’s gone to stay with her parents. I’ve just been sitting and staring at the walls and I just woke up tonight and wanted to see you.”

Luke reached for his hand, giving it a squeeze. “I’m glad you did. After my stupid voicemail, I was worried you’d be upset.”

“No,” Calum eased softly. “It was nice, to hear your voice.”

“I’ve been speaking to Ash, he said he saw you Friday?”

Calum nodded. “He came over, and we just sat. For a few hours, he just sat beside me and I cried and I just, I don’t get it, you know? The test said positive, but the doctors are saying it wasn’t a pregnancy, but – shit, I’m sorry. You don’t want to hear this.”

“Hey,” Luke eased, smiling softly. “I’ll listen to whatever you have to say.”

Calum nodded, looking down at their hands. “They said it was a late period, that even if we had a blood test, it wouldn’t be positive. Home tests aren’t reliable, hence the false reading.”

“Is she okay?”

Calum sighed. “I don’t know. She won’t talk to me, and I don’t want to talk to her, as awful as that is.”

“It’s not,” Luke said softly. “You’re losing something, just like she is. I’m glad you’re here, though. Talking about it. Ashton said you sort of shut down.”

Calum could feel tears rush to his eyes, and he sniffed. “I stayed with her because of the baby,” he admitted softly. “The moment – the _moment_ – she said she might’ve been pregnant, I knew I had to stay. I-I said no to you because there was a baby, and there’s no baby and I just. I’m just – I don’t _know_ and it hurts like hell and I just. I want you,” he rambled, letting out a pained sob.

Luke pulled him closer, one hand cradling the back of his head, the other warm on his back. “Ssh, Cal,” he whispered. “It’s okay, none of that matters. You’re here now, and it’s okay.”

Calum sobbed into Luke’s chest until his head was stuffy and he could barely breathe. At some point they ended up sprawled over the double bed, Calum’s head in the crook of Luke’s arm, and Luke’s lips pressed to his forehead.

They must’ve fallen asleep, because when Calum opened his eyes, there was light streaming through the window, and Luke was gone.

His eyes ached and he felt like he was in slow motion as he rolled over in the messy sheets, hoping Luke wasn’t far away, and he was suddenly struck with the thought that maybe he was _gone_. That saying goodbye again would hurt too much, so he’d slipped out when Calum was still sleeping.

He searched for his phone, tugging the device out of his pocket as the bedroom door swung open silently.

“Morning,” Luke greeted, entering the room before nudging the door shut with his bare foot.

He was still wearing boxers and the Laker’s t-shirt, though his hair wasn’t quite as unruly. Calum was just relieved he was still _there_.

“What time is it?”

“A little after eight,” Luke told him, carrying two mugs over to the bed and handed one to Cal. “Still black with two?”

Calum nodded, wrapping his hands around the cup and bought it up to his nose to inhale the scent. “Thanks.”

Luke hummed and sat down, taking a gentle sip from his own mug before setting it on the nightstand. “How are you feeling?”

Calum took a sip and set his mug down on the desk to his left, and shrugged his shoulders. “Everything else is fading away because you’re here.”

Luke smiled, his cheeks somewhat pink. “I’m glad you’re here, Cal.”

Calum nodded, managing a tiny smile before looking away. “What time do you need to leave for the airport?”

“Not until later. Maybe three?”

Calum nodded, looking back at Luke. He leant over toward him, his hand cupping his jaw. “You’re so beautiful,” he mumbled softly.

Luke smiled, his eyes fluttering closed for a moment. “You always know what to say.”

Calum laughed gently, pressing a kiss to his nose. “I don’t want you to go.”

Luke sighed, his fingers encircling Calum’s wrist. “Me either. But you know I have to.”

“Mhm,” Calum confirmed. “All Time Low.”

Luke smiled, brushing his lips over Calum’s cheek. “I just want to spend the day with you, here in bed.”

Calum nodded, leaning over Luke and pushed him down against the bed. “I want to make up for lost time.”

Luke settled comfortably against the sheets, tugging Calum down to rest on top of him easily. “Where’s your head, Cal?”

Calum paused, looking down at Luke’s deep blue eyes, at the stubble on his chin. “I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “I’m thinking of you, of when we were stupid kids.”

Luke smiled. “Yeah?”

Calum leant down, nudging his nose against Luke’s. “Remember our first date?”

Luke snorted. “You mean when you invited me out for McDonalds and then cancelled after your mum wouldn’t give you twenty bucks?”

Calum laughed. “Well, not _that_ first date,” he amended. “I mean the good one.”

“The Green Day concert in Sydney,” Luke smiled. “Of course I remember that.”

Calum settled easily against him, propping his head up on his hand. “How we waited in the sun all day to get a good spot in the pit, but managed to be stuck in the middle anyway. You were scared but I promised I wouldn’t let go of your hand.”

Luke smiled, running his fingertips along the shoulder seam of Calum’s shirt. “You never did, either. Even when those idiots started shoving people around, you never let go.”

“I believe I even defended your honour when that guy groped you.”

Luke laughed. “I’m pretty sure it was an accident, but it was the first time you called me your boyfriend, so I didn’t care.”

Calum smiled. “Do you remember our first time?”

Luke’s cheeks coloured and he averted his eyes. “Of course.”

“I was so nervous,” Calum whispered, leaning down to kiss over Luke’s jaw. “We put it off for so long.”

“It was scary,” Luke murmured. “I was scared I wouldn’t be good.”

Calum cupped his jaw, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek. “You were, Luke. You were so good.”

Luke bit down on his lip piercing, turning his head to press his mouth against Calum’s jaw. “I missed you, like that,” he murmured.

Calum nodded, his free hand pushing Luke’s thighs a little further apart, before gripping his hip. “Are you okay, from last week?” he murmured.

Luke nodded, one hand cupping the back of Calum’s skull, fingers threading through the dark hair. “Felt so good,” he mumbled. “I hadn’t in a while, before that.”

“How long?”

Luke bit his lip, shrugging his shoulder. “A while.”

“Luke,” Calum grinned, nudging their noses together again. “How long? Six months?”

Luke cleared his throat. “Longer.”

“Hm,” Calum mused. “A year?”

“I don’t want to say.”

Calum pulled back a little, so his eyes could find Luke’s. “You’ve dated, right? Since you moved?”

“Yeah,” Luke nodded. “Here and there. I just haven’t had a whole lot of sex.”

Calum furrowed his brows. “How long had it been?”

Luke sighed, wrinkling his nose. “I’ve never let anyone touch me the way you did.”

Calum’s eyes went wide. “You mean, you hadn’t had sex in eight _years_?”

“No!” Luke yelped, shaking his head. “Jesus, Cal, I wasn’t celibate! I just never…bottomed for anyone else.”

Calum smiled, feeling the warmth of his statement wash over him. “Really?”

Luke nodded. “Really. I mean, a few of my dates _tried_ , but I wasn’t ready.”

“So up until last week, you hadn’t?”

“Been fucked in eight years? Yeah,” Luke confirmed.

Calum laughed, pressing his face against Luke’s chest. “If it makes you feel any better, you took it like a champ.”

Luke snorted, punching at Calum’s side in embarrassment. “Jesus, shut up,” he groaned. “You’re such a jerk.”

“Eight _years_ , Luke. You need to expect to get shit for that.”

Luke smiled, his fingers carding through Calum’s hair. “Well, there was no one else special enough.”

Calum smiled, lifting his head so he could look down at the younger man. “I’m in love with you.”

Luke smiled. “I know. I’m glad you finally know, too.”

Calum nodded. “I’m so sorry for breaking up with you the way I did. I’m sorry for going against my heart.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Luke said softly. “You’re here now.”

Calum leant down, his mouth pressing slowly to Luke’s, one hand curled around his ribcage, the other supporting his weight on top of the other man.

They kissed until they couldn’t breathe, and at some point, Calum had taken off his shirt, and then Luke was _stopping_ him, whispering something about his mother, and Calum groaned.

“I’m sorry,” Luke said softly, as Calum flopped down onto his back on the bed, his arm thrown over his eyes. “They’re home,” he explained. “They’re going to want to see me before I leave, and I’d really rather prefer them to not find us, uh… _compromised_.”

Calum nodded, lifting his arm to look at Luke. “I know.”

“Plus,” Luke said softly, rolling towards Calum. “Things are still so complicated.”

Calum nodded, his arm fitting around Luke’s waist, his hand sneaking up under his shirt to lay his palm against his back. “What do we do, Luke?”

“I don’t know,” he mumbled. “I’m leaving.”

“I know.”

Luke bit at his lip. “Let’s not make plans yet, okay? Just lay here with me until my parents call me for lunch, and we’ll just take it moment by moment.”

Calum nodded, though the ache in his chest was the nagging reminder that their pile of moments was dwindling – fast.

**

“Hey.”

Calum smiled, not hesitating to pull her into his arms when he finally laid eyes on her. She looked fragile and small, and she trembled against his chest as he cupped her neck, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

“Are you okay?”

She sighed. “Not really, Cal.”

He let her go, taking her hand to pull her to the dining room, and took a seat at the table and waited for her to do the same.

“You going to move home?”

She nodded. “It makes sense, you know?”

He nodded, his hand holding hers. “I feel like you deserve this big long explanation,” he murmured.

He’d been thinking of what to say ever since he got her text. He’d been lying beside Luke, lazily talking and napping in each other’s company before hearing the text alert, and his heart had stopped in his throat when he read it.

_Meet me at home at 1?_

It had felt so final, in just one sentence. Somehow he’d known that whatever they said, the end of their relationship was the only outcome.

“You don’t owe me anything,” she insisted softly. “Things just happened too fast. Big things that we weren’t ready for.”

He nodded. “We’ll call off the wedding?”

She nodded. “I’ll tell my parents tonight, and hopefully you can speak to Mali to keep her from coming down?”

He nodded. “She’ll still come, probably. But I can let my parents know.”

She reached out and cupped his hands in hers. “I want you to go to LA, Calum.”

“No,” Calum mumbled. “That’s not why, he’s not-“

“He is,” she said, smiling sadly. “And I’m happy for you, Cal. There’s a reason he came back.”

Calum felt the tears build in his eyes, and he had to look away. “I’m so _sorry_ ,” he whispered.

She squeezed his hand. “I am too. This wasn’t what either of us wanted, but it’s the way it’s happened.”

“I could never tell you about him because I knew – maybe not consciously – but I knew that if I said anything, I’d cry. I’d fall to pieces and realize that losing him was such a mistake.”

“I know.”

“But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you,” he insisted. “That doesn’t mean that the last eight years haven’t been the happiest of my life.”

She stood up, sliding into his lap, and wrapped her arms around his shoulders as he let out a broken sob.

“I wanted that baby,” he whispered. “I wanted our marriage and our children, I did.”

“I know,” she eased softly. “Cal, I know how much you love me. I just think you love Luke more, and that’s not your fault. You can’t help who you fall in love with.”

He squeezed her tightly, pressing his lips to her cheek. “I want you to be happy, but too much has happened to us that we can’t be happy together, anymore.”

She nodded. “I’m so grateful for these last eight years,” she whispered. “For your love and support. For all the little moments that were never as important when they happened, but looking back, they were the big moments. I love you so much, Calum.”

He nodded, sniffing against her throat. “I love you too. I don’t want to lose you as a friend.”

“Give it a few months,” she bargained softly. “Let’s just, take a break now. Divide the possessions, decide what we’ll do with the house. I doubt we’ll get some of the deposits back from the wedding…”

Calum felt sick as the guilt rolled through him again. Despite the peaceful break up, the collateral damage would be devastating. He didn’t know what he wanted to do with the house, he didn’t know how they’d share the dog. He just thought about LA, about Luke and taking her advice and going for it.

“Cal?”

“Yeah?”

She sat back, a sad smile on her face as she cupped his jaw and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “If you love him even half the amount you love me, then he’s a really lucky guy.”

Calum’s heart clenched at the thought of him.

“Don’t be scared,” she whispered. “Don’t do what you did eight years ago.”

He nodded, his bottom lip trembling.

“I want you to have the happy ending,” she whispered, tears tracking down her cheeks. “I want to know that you’re happy.”

His hands gripped her sides as he felt himself break down, teardrops staining his olive green t-shirt. “I _love_ him,” he whispered. “And I’m _sorry_ , because that isn’t fair to you, but I’ve been in love with him since I was thirteen. And it never really went away. I just got really good at hiding it.”

She cupped his jaw, wiping away his tears with her thumbs. “You’re a good man, Cal. I can’t compete with Luke, but for some reason, I’m okay with that. He’s just too nice.”

Calum let out a soft laugh. “He is, isn’t he? It’d help if he was a total prick.”

She laughed. “It would. Do you think he could try a little harder? Maybe leave an arrogant comment on Facebook?”

He grinned, rubbing her back. “I’ll ask.”

“Promise me we’ll keep in touch,” she requested softly. “I want to be invited to the wedding.”

Calum rolled his eyes. “Can we just get through today first?”

She smiled, cupping his cheek. “Tell me everything, okay? Well, not _everything_. Just don’t forget about me.”

“I couldn’t,” Calum assured her softly. “And if you want me to make phone calls about the wedding, I will. I feel like this is all my fault.”

“It’s not,” she promised. “I think we were just going through the motions until Luke showed up, and we realized life wasn’t what it seemed.”

He nodded.

“Plus, with the whole pregnancy thing…I can’t look at you without feeling like I had a miscarriage. That it was my fault.”

He squeezed her side. “It wasn’t your fault. We weren’t ready, and I think even if there had been a pregnancy, we wouldn’t…I still would’ve been in love with Luke.”

She swallowed, letting out a slow breath. “Sorry. That’s hard to hear.”

Calum pressed his lips shut and cringed. “I’m sorry.”

She shook her head, squeezing his shoulder. “It’s fine. Let’s just…stop now, okay?”

He nodded, squeezing her again before she stood from his lap. “Do you want me to come with you to tell your parents?”

“Probably not a good idea,” she smiled, picking up her purse. “I think everyone is just going to need some time to get over it.”

“Fair enough,” Calum mumbled. “I should go and tell my folks.”

She leant in and kissed his cheek. “Go to LA, Cal.”

**

“So, you’re not getting married?”

Calum nodded, his hands clasped in front of him.

“And she’s alright?”

“She’s…okay,” Calum said slowly.

He’d always been honest with his parents, about most things in his life. His mum had been the first person he told when he thought he’d fallen in love with Luke, and she’d been the first person he’d gone to after Luke had left.

It wasn’t that much of surprise that Luke’s reappearance had stirred something inside of Calum, and his parents had been more surprised about the pregnancy scare, than the news that Calum was following his heart.

“Are you alright?”

He smiled over at his mum, reaching out to take her hand. Her initials stood out his tanned skin, and she ran her thumb over it gently.

“My boy,” she sighed, leaning over and kissing his temple. “I’m proud of you.”

He snorted. “For breaking up with my fiancé a week before the wedding because I’m in love with someone else?”

She rolled her eyes. “For being honest _before_ you got married. As much as I love her, you and Luke never had closure. I guess this was always meant to be.”

Calum nodded, because that’s what he realized. Luke coming back, two weeks before the wedding, was the biggest slap in the face he needed to notice that things hadn’t been good since he’d left.

“Isn’t he catching a plane today?” Calum’s dad asked, looking at his watch.

Calum mirrored the action, noticing it was just after two. He had plenty of time to go over and see Luke, to tell him the news.

“Go on,” Joy insisted with a smile. “Say hello to Liz and Andrew for us.”

Calum smiled and stood up, giving his mum a quick hug. “Thanks for being so cool.”

“You know us,” Joy grinned, sharing a look with her husband. “Now get out of here.”

Calum quickly hugged his father before heading for the door. He got into his car and narrowly avoided sitting on his phone, grabbing it as he sat down. It was still connected to the charging cable, and he pressed the round button at the bottom of the device to check for missed calls.

_Three voicemail messages_

_Four missed calls_

His stomach seemed to clench and he dialled into his voicemail as he started the car and backed out of the driveway.

“Cal?” came Luke’s voice. “Jeez, Cal. Why aren’t you answering your phone? I fucked up. My _flight_ is at three-thirty, not six, and I’m heading to the airport now aaaat, twelve-thirty. Where the hell are you?”

The next two messages were much of the same, only the intensity increased each time. Calum felt the same panic, looking at the clock on the dash of his car, noticing that it was almost two-thirty. He felt panic in his heart as he changed course and headed in the direction of Sydney airport, frantically dialling Luke’s phone.

It went straight to voicemail and Calum groaned.

All he could do was drive as quickly – and as _safely_ – as he could, to the airport.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I say it at every new chapter, but you guys! Seriously, I can't believe the amount of love you're giving, and you have no idea how much it means! 
> 
> I hope you're all pleasantly surprised at these turn of events! I feel like maybe this chapter moves too fast, but I just didn't know how to break it up. So you get it, all at once! The breakdown, the break up, and the pieces of Calum's and Luke's hearts are mended. 
> 
> Special thanks to thatfangirlingfreak, reader000, spunkykiddo, thewintersoldier, Ishi, fivesecondsofslash, calum_xxx_hood, lxcifxrhemmo, HylianCoffee, Hroff for their lovely comments! Keep them coming!
> 
> Come find me on tumblr at crash-queen!
> 
> Until next time!
> 
> xoxo  
> Jenna


	11. I Come Alive

Calum felt his heart smashing against his ribcage as he broke out into a slow jog as he entered the airport. He felt panicked and hysterical, following the signs for the international departures, realizing he had no idea where Luke’s gate was, or if he’d be able to find it before he combusted from stress.

He went through security, emptying his pockets out into the plastic bin, a crumpled piece of paper among them.

Once he was cleared, he shoved the items back into his pockets before heading up the escalator to the departure lounges.

If only Luke would answer his phone, it would be a whole lot easier.

Calum slowed to a quick walk, eyes on high alert as he searched the faces. He tried looking for tall blondes, but that didn’t seem to help, and he realized that he wasn’t sure if Luke would be in the Qantas lounge or not.

He wanted to sob, feeling frantic as he passed gate after gate, and there was no sign of Luke. He was about to give up – and maybe shed a tear or two – when someone grabbed his wrist.

He turned to look at the smirking face of his first love, and he let out a laugh.

“Looking for someone?” Luke asked.

“You shit,” Calum accused. “Why didn’t you answer your phone?”

“Because,” Luke told him. “We’re in an airport and my battery is low. Why the hell didn’t you answer yours?”

“My phone was on charge in the car,” Calum explained.

Luke smiled, reaching out to touch Calum’s jaw gently. “I’m glad you made it.”

Calum grinned. “Me too. I had to give you this.”

He dug out the folded piece of paper, and pressed it against Luke’s chest.

“What’s this?” the other man frowned, opening the page.

“The waiver,” Calum explained. “For the song? I signed it.”

“Oh.”

“But on one condition.”

Luke raised a brow. “And what’s that?”

Calum smiled. “You and I record it when I come to LA.”

Luke’s face seemed to display a thousand different emotions in the few seconds they stood there staring at each other. There was hope, confusion, elation, trepidation and Calum’s favourite – joy.

“You’re coming to LA?” he murmured.

Calum nodded, pulling Luke out of the way of other commuters, staying close. “I need to figure out work, but I have some time owing. I thought I could try and get a flight out in the next two weeks.”

“Wait, Cal,” Luke said softly. “What _happened_ this afternoon?”

Calum smiled. “We broke up. It was horrible and awful but peaceful, you know? We weren’t meant to be, and we both knew it, and she wants me to be happy. She wants me to be with _you_.”

Luke laughed softly. “So you’re…you’re single?”

Calum nodded. “But I don’t want to be.”

Luke leant in, their foreheads pressing together. “I love you, Calum.”

Calum wrapped one arm around Luke’s narrow waist, dragging him in. “I love you,” he whispered. “And I’m yours, if you want me to be.”

“I do, I do want,” Luke whispered. “It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

Calum kissed his cheek, squeezing him tightly. “So you think you can make room in your apartment?”

Luke chuckled softly. “I think I could give you a drawer or two.”

“I don’t know how it’ll work,” Calum said breathlessly, fingers carding through Luke’s hair. “I don’t know if we’ll kill each other or not, but I need this. We need to do this.”

Luke nodded. “I just want to try,” he mumbled. “Jesus, I wish you could come with me now.”

Calum smiled. “I know. But I’ll try and get a flight as soon as I can.”

“Kiss me.”

Calum smiled.

“Seriously,” Luke almost whined. “We can do that now, and it’s not wrong, and why the hell haven’t you kissed me already?”

Calum laughed, cupping Luke’s jaw and leant in, pressing a soft, chaste kiss to his lips. “Better?”

“A little tame,” Luke commented softly, his eyes shut. “But enough.”

Calum pressed their lips together a little more firmly, squeezing Luke close to him until he heard the other man whine.

“Better,” Luke groaned against his lips.

Calum laughed, pulling away but keeping his arm around Luke’s waist. “C’mon, where’s your gate? We’ve only got an hour before you board.”

Luke slid his arm around Calum, and nodded toward gate thirty-seven. “We could get a drink? Something to eat?”

Calum nodded. “That sounds great.”

“There’s a pub in the food court,” Luke said, and led Calum down the walkway to where the eatery was.

Calum couldn’t help the smile on his face, feeling the expression threaten to rip his mouth wide open he was so happy. Eight years were gone in the blink of an eye, and Calum finally felt whole again.

**

“I feel like I haven’t seen you, catch me up.”

Calum smiled over at Ashton, packing a pair of socks into his suitcase. They were in the master bedroom of Calum’s house – the house that would be sold and the profits split – and it was mostly filled with boxes instead of memories.

It had been a busy week, and he hadn’t seen her since they broke up, but they’d decided over email that the house held too many painful memories, and neither of them could bear to stay. Calum had moved home, and she’d stayed with her parents, and they’d both had the chance to pack and move out important mementos and had some of the furniture moved to a storage unit.

Calum wasn’t interested in keeping much, and had entrusted Ashton with the job of selling a few pieces while he was in LA.

“We lost every single deposit we’d paid for the wedding,” Calum said ruefully, packing a few of his band shirts into his suitcase. “Her parents are really upset, but she’s promised that she didn’t make me out to be the bad guy.”

“And Luke?”

Calum blushed. “I fly out on Saturday morning. I’ve taken the rest of the year off from work, and I’m going to, we’re going…we’ll be together.”

Ashton grinned. “Jesus, man. This past month has been the craziest month of your life.”

Calum laughed. “I know, right? But everything feels so right, and I miss him _so_ much.”

Ashton shook his head, unable to wipe the smile off his face. “I’m going to miss you, Cal.”

Calum smiled. “You’ve got Michael.”

Ashton’s cheeks went pink. “Jesus, he’s like a sieve, isn’t he?”

Calum laughed. “Hey, I’m a little offended you didn’t tell me!”

“You were in the middle of a crisis,” Ashton pointed out. “You didn’t exactly have time to listen to me go on about Michael.”

“But you’re happy?” Calum asked, shoving a few more things into his suitcase and zipping it shut.

“I am,” Ashton nodded. “It’s slow going, and I’m really worried about pushing him. I’m scared that I’ll hurt him.”

“You won’t,” Calum assured him. “He loves you, Ash. He’s going to need you, and I’m happy you’ll be there for each other.”

“What if I fuck it up?”

Calum turned to look at Ashton, his suitcase forgotten at the forlorn expression on his friend’s face.

“Hey,” he said, crossing the room to where Ashton lounged against the empty dresser. “You know Mikey,” he eased softly, tugging at Ashton’s wrist and pulled him over to the bare bed. “He told me about when you went to Japan a few years back.”

“Yeah?” Ashton asked, unconvinced.

“Said you took care of him and kept him level enough to not need the harder drugs. If there’s _anyone_ in his life that could be more perfect for him than you, I’d be surprised. But don’t do it out of obligation.”

“I’m not,” Ashton insisted. “Sometimes I just look at him and it feels like home.”

Calum blushed gently, understanding the sentiment completely.

“He’s this damaged, broken little bird,” Ashton murmured, looking down at his hands. “But I don’t see any of it. He’s just amazing, funny, gorgeous Mikey.”

“How long have you liked him?”

Ashton shrugged. “I never let myself like him. I didn’t want to do anything to compromise his recovery. But when he kissed me, I just kissed back.”

Calum squeezed his hand. “Take that as a sign then, Ash. You kissed him _back_ , and that means something.”

Ashton smiled. “I’m going to need you, you know. No one can calm him down like you.”

“I’m a phone call away,” Calum promised, standing up to double check he had everything.

“We can skype, yeah?”

“Of course,” Calum promised, the closets empty and his suitcase full. “Hell, if things go well for you and Michael you could come visit, over the school holidays.”

Ashton smiled. “One step at a time, mate.”

“So, are you sure I’m not leaving you with too much to do?”

“Oh, you mean apart from taking your soccer practices, selling your shit and babysitting your dog?”

Calum grinned. “Don’t forget you’re also responsible for the sale of the house.”

Ashton groaned. “That’s great. I didn’t break up with her, but suddenly I’m your replacement.”

“Hey!” Calum laughed. “Do you want me to be happy, or do you thrive on my misery? Because I could stay, but I will bother you multiple times a day with how much I miss Luke?”

“No, go,” Ashton sighed. “I’m sick of listening to you go on about Mister Perfect.”

Calum hauled his suitcase off the bed and stood it up, extending the handle. “And that’s exactly what I intend to do.”

**

“Shit, _Luke_!”

Luke laughed, his hands up underneath Calum’s shirt, pawing at his skin. “It’s been a week, asshole. Do you blame me?”

Calum felt light headed – a mix of jet lag and delirious excitement – and he kind of wanted to lie down and process his massive journey.

Somehow, he’d left first thing Saturday morning, and arrived in LA – thirteen hours later – to discover it was just after lunch on the same day. It had thrown him, and he’d been a virtual zombie as he stumbled off the plane to go through customs and collect his suitcase.

He wasn’t sure where Luke would be, his phone was basically useless in the foreign country. He had a feeling they’d find each other, and Calum’s guess was right when he was almost body slammed in the line at Starbucks.

He’d needed the pick me up, a quick jolt of caffeine to get some life back into him before he saw Luke, but the other man had found him, and they spent a few frantic moments trading kisses in the line.

They ordered coffee – large latte for Luke, triple shot espresso for Calum – and had sat at a small table, holding hands for twenty minutes.

It was the longest they’d gone without contact, and Calum had missed him terribly while in the air. He hadn’t slept great, torn between excitement and nerves, watching three movies in a row before falling into a restless, uncomfortable sleep.

The food had been okay, but the guy in front of him was a late sleeper, and Calum was intimately involved with the TV screen on the back of his seat, with it being just inches away from his face. He’d been cranky by the time they landed, and he didn’t have the energy to find excitement and wonder in being in a different country.

He needed coffee, and Luke.

After their quick stop at Starbucks, Luke was whisking him to the parking garage and taking them home. They held hands over the centre console and talked about All Time Low, who Luke had gotten into the studio earlier in the week, and had plans of signing a few new bands to his record label.

Calum sat mostly in silence, his thumb passing over the back of Luke’s hand as the other man drove, feeling the warmth of seeing him – of being with him – sink into his bones.

But the warmth had turned to fire when Luke was taking him up to his apartment, and had pressed him up against the wall of the elevator and kissed him passionately. And as exhausted as Calum was, he was unable to deny the desire that flooded through his veins.

It was how they ended up almost falling through the door in each other’s arms, mouths fused together and hands groping at one another.

“Luke, stop,” Calum whined softly, biting down on Luke’s bottom lip as the other man’s hands grabbed at his rear.

“Shit, okay,” Luke panted, giving his ass another squeeze before separating.

Calum let out a breathless laugh, pushing weakly at Luke’s chest as he turned his attention to the studio apartment.

Luke had been fairly cavalier when describing his home, classing it as a _two bedroom studio with luxury bath_. Calum wasn’t sure what that _meant_ , but it sure as hell looked impressive.

From the door Calum could see the sunken living room, furnished with two overstuffed couches and a large screen TV. There was a kitchen to his right, leading to a short hallway where he guessed the bathroom was. Off the small dining area was two closed double doors, and he found himself crossing the space to get to them.

He stopped, turning around to face Luke, a grin on his face. “Let me guess,” he pondered. “This is where the magic happens?”

Luke snorted. “If by _magic_ you mean where I watch Netflix and eat popcorn? Then yes, absolutely. The magic happens in there.”

Calum laughed, reaching out to pull Luke in, cupping his jaw. “At this very moment,” he whispered softly, leaning their foreheads together. “I was meant to be saying my vows.”

Luke cupped his hand around the back of Calum’s neck, fingers threading through his hair. “You can say them to me? Get them off your chest?”

Calum smiled. “I never wrote them, I couldn’t.”

Luke kissed his nose. “Tell me again, Cal.”

Calum licked over his lips, dragging Luke in close. “I love you,” he whispered. “And I’m here for the next five months.”

Luke smiled, letting his eyes fall shut and he moved his head to rest against Calum’s shoulder.

Calum pulled them in, erasing all space between their bodies, his hands moving up under Luke’s shirt.

“How was your flight?”

Calum laughed. “Who cares, really?”

Luke smiled, straightening up. “How did we end up here, hm?”

Calum reached behind him, groping for the doorknob, and pushed down until the door popped open. “A lot of patience,” he mumbled, walking backwards into the room, tugging Luke in with him by his shirt. “A lot of pretending.”

Luke nodded, his hands moving to Calum’s hips, concentrating on not letting him fall.

“But that doesn’t matter,” Calum whispered, stopping as he reached for Luke’s belt, undoing it quickly. “Because it’s you and me, and we’re here, and we’re together.”

Luke sucked in a breath and nodded, tugging Calum’s shirt up and off, throwing it to the hardwood floor, raising his arms as Calum rid him of his shirt.

“And I just want to make love to you,” Calum mumbled, leaning in to kiss down Luke’s throat slowly. “And we can figure out the rest tomorrow.”

Luke whimpered, his fingers trembling against Calum’s hips, quickly reaching to undo his belt.

Everything seemed to move in slow motion as Calum stripped them both naked and went down to his knees in the middle of Luke’s bedroom. His fingers had clung to Luke’s strong thighs as he’d sucked bruises against his hipbones, and had spread him out on the large king sized bed to torture him until he was begging for more.

Calum took his time, kissing Luke passionately until they were too desperate to wait, feeling Luke fumble a tube of lubricant into his hands, and Calum had clumsily spilled a lot before his fingers were inside of the other man, listening to the crescendo of his moans.

The burn of tears had been painful when Calum finally pressed inside, his eyes shut tight against the pure emotion of being with Luke after so long. He gasped a few stuttered breaths against his neck, his hips stilling as he bottomed out.

“It’s okay,” Luke panted, legs spread and tangled in the grey sheets, his hands sliding up and down Calum’s bare back.

“I’m sorry,” Calum gasped, the tears falling against Luke’s warm skin. “Jesus, Luke.”

Luke pet his hair gently, pressing kisses along his shoulder. “Do you realize where you are?”

Calum sniffed.

“You’re eight years late, but you’re _here_. You’re mine and I’m yours.”

Calum nodded shakily, his hand reaching around the back of Luke’s thigh, tugging him close as he pressed deeper. “I just feel like I wasted so much time, when I could’ve been here.”

Luke groaned, his nails dragging over Calum’s shoulders. “Shit, Cal,” he whispered. “I can’t concentrate.”

Calum laughed gently, his hands gentle against Luke’s thighs as he pulled back slowly, pressing back inside a moment later.

Luke moaned in his ear, lifting his legs to frame Calum’s hips with his knees. “Shit,” he whispered, holding on tightly.

Calum moved his head to kiss him, biting at Luke’s bottom lip before his tongue pressed into his mouth, finding a simple, passionate rhythm. He held him close, like he was treating Luke like glass, and in some ways, he was. Never would Calum break the other man again.

“C-Cal,” Luke hiccupped, squeezing his eyes shut. “Oh Calum,” he moaned.

Calum bit down on his bottom lip, listening to Luke’s sinful voice. He couldn’t believe just how deep it was, how much he’d changed. “S’good?” he mumbled.

“Fuck, it’s so good,” Luke assured him softly.

Calum nodded, holding back his emotions and put everything he had into pleasing Luke. He gripped one of his hips as he used his other to support his weight, snapping forward on a particularly sharp thrust.

Luke was almost sobbing in pleasure, arms wrapped tight around Calum’s neck as he rocked back, meeting every thrust with a sweet, soft moan. It all felt like too much, and Calum knew that his stamina wasn’t up to par. Not when Luke was raking his nails over his shoulders, and whimpering against his neck.

“Close,” Luke panted, fingers threading into Calum’s hair and tugged gently.

Calum grunted, moving harder against Luke, his thrusts moving them up the bed.

“Cal, Jesus!” Luke gasped, his nails digging deep into the skin of Calum’s back. “Come,” he begged softly. “Come inside me.”

Calum hiccupped, dragging his mouth over Luke’s neck, tasting his sweat. He gripped Luke’s thigh, pressing his leg higher as he gave it all he had, thrusting sharply into Luke quickly before the other man tensed up, reaching his release with a hiccupped moan of Calum’s name.

It didn’t take much more than the sinful grip of Luke to demand his orgasm, and Calum gasped against Luke’s throat as his hips stuttered and he came quickly, his legs giving out as he gently dropped down against Luke.

“Cal,” Luke panted softly, his legs looping loosely around Calum’s hips, his fingertips dragging over the scratch marks on his back.

“Mhm.”

Luke smiled. “You do drop off to sleep after you come.”

Calum snorted and punched weakly at Luke’s thigh. “Thirteen hour flight, jackass.”

Luke laughed softly. “Fair enough.”

Calum hummed, nuzzling his nose against Luke’s throat. He opened one eye, looking around at Luke’s bedroom. “Nice room.”

“Thanks,” Luke said lightly, tracing patterns on Calum’s skins. “I even tidied up and you didn’t notice before fucking me senseless.”

“God I’m an asshole,” Calum sighed. “Why the hell do you put up with me?”

“Did you not hear the bit about you fucking me senseless?”

Calum snorted, lifting his head from Luke’s shoulder. “You’re kind of a dick, sometimes.”

Luke licked over his lips, shrugging his shoulder. “You’re stuck with me.”

Calum leant down and kissed him gently, before easing himself up and pulled out carefully, listening to Luke whimper at the loss.

“No, stay,” he pouted.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Calum promised, sitting up to look around, and reached out to grab a handful of tissues from a box on the nightstand, to hand to Luke.

“We didn’t talk about using condoms,” Luke pointed out, wiping the fluid off his stomach, and tugged the sheet up over himself. “And at the risk of sounding totally pornographic and somewhat disgusting, I’m kinda loving the whole you coming inside me thing.”

Calum felt his cheeks flush, and he looked away from the cavalier man to his right.

Luke laughed, dropping the tissues to the floor and grabbed Calum by his forearm, and tugged him back into bed. “C’mere. I demand cuddles.”

Calum smiled, pulling the sheet up over his lower half and curled in against Luke, watching the other man turn away from him so Calum could spoon close behind him. “We can use condoms, you know,” he murmured gently. “I know we didn’t really talk about it the last time.”

Luke patted Calum’s hand that lay flat against his abdomen. “It’s fine. It’s not like we’re sleeping with anyone else.”

Calum hummed, pressing a kiss to Luke’s bare shoulder. “Everything has changed since we did this eight years ago.”

Luke hummed his agreement. “I cried, remember? I was leaving the next day and you weren’t coming and we had the worst goodbye sex.”

“There shouldn’t have _been_ goodbye sex,” Calum mumbled. “But I was stupid, and I let you go.”

Luke pulled Calum’s arm tighter around his middle. “Cal, I know this has moved really fast, and we haven’t had a chance to talk about what comes next, but. I’m in this, okay? As deeply as you want to be. I know you’ve just come out of a relationship, so I don’t want to push-“

Calum leant back, pulling Luke’s shoulder so he could see his face. “You’re my forever,” he told him softly. “If these next few months work out and I can get a job, I’ll move,” he promised. “I’m willing to take the big step if it means being with you.”

Luke cleared his throat softly, his eyes glassy. “I haven’t been in a relationship in a really long time,” he admitted. “I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone sleep in this bed besides me.”

Calum smiled, rolling Luke back over so he could spoon him again. “We’ll figure it out,” he promised. “For now, though, it’s three in the afternoon and I’m wrecked. Can we nap and get dinner later and talk some more?”

Luke nodded. “Yeah. You nap, I might just lay here for a while, drink it all in.”

Calum smiled, pressing his lips to Luke’s shoulder and curled closer, his eyes falling shut quickly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter down! I can't believe there has been over 2300 people who have read this! It blows my mind that so many of you have read this story that I worked so hard on! I really appreciate all the love and support!
> 
> So now we're at the start of Luke and Calum! I am interested in hearing predictions and opinions, as always!
> 
> Special, huge, major thanks to thewintersoldier, spunkykiddo, Ishi, reader000, fivesecondsofslash, calum_xxx_hood, lxcifxrhemmo, thatfangirlingfreak, Georgia, forest_of_flowers, rey_1998 & Antisocialhood for your comments, I am so appreciative and humbled by the love!
> 
> Until next time!
> 
> xoxo  
> Jenna


	12. Sick Hearts

In the back of Calum’s mind, he knew things would get hard at some point. It would be naïve to think otherwise, but he didn’t expect it to happen so _soon_.

The first week had been amazing. The sex was so good it hurt, and Calum would never admit that it was a lot like they were eighteen again. Sex in the shower, the kitchen, on the couch. There was even one time Luke went down on him in the parking garage because they just couldn’t wait to get up to the apartment.

In between the calisthenics, there was talking. Catching up on the eight years they’d been apart, and Calum had found out Luke knew more about him than he thought. He attributed it to gossiping mothers, though Calum knew Michael would’ve given Luke the juicier tidbits he always withheld from Joy.

He found out that Luke had only dated two people since moving to LA, and had an office romance of sorts that had been the biggest mistake of his life. Luke had tried to get lost in the feelings of lust, trying to recreate the passion they’d had when they were younger.

He just wasn’t good at dating, and Calum found out first hand just how hard it had been for Luke. To be on his own, still in love with someone who had moved on without him.

Calum had apologized countless times, feeling the emotion choke him at the idea of Luke not being happy. He’d done such a good job of forcing his memories of Luke into the dark space in the back of his mind, never to think about again, that he’d never stopped to think about it from the other man’s point of view.

By the time they were in their third week of living together, Calum could see the cracks start to appear. He wasn’t working – apparently his half-assed research into getting a visa was unsurprisingly uninformative – and Luke was still adjusting to coming home to someone who existed on his couch.

He’d come home exhausted, and they’d end up with takeout on the couch, watching _Wheel of Fortune_ and cuddling.

And it was _nice_ , of course. It was what they both wanted at the end of the day – to crawl into bed together and talk about their plans for the future. But while it was good, something was lacking.

Calum didn’t feel settled; he felt like he’d abandoned his life too quickly in the excitement of seeing Luke. He missed his job, his students. He missed Ashton and Michael terribly, and with the amount of time Luke was at work was just a further reminder that he was essentially alone in the large, bustling city.

By the time Luke was pulling twelve hour shifts working with One Direction, Calum was restless. Luke had three weeks with the boy band to write for their upcoming album, and with their strict schedule, Luke was basically required at any time of the day.

There would be times they’d be in bed and Luke’s phone would ring; One Direction’s management on the other end telling him the boys had a spare three hours from 1AM and could meet him at the studio.

Luke would crawl out of bed, tug a beanie on over his messy hair and stumble out of the apartment after a soft kiss to Calum’s cheek.

And Calum couldn’t begrudge Luke his job. It was what the other man had always wanted to do, and despite the taxing hours and weird schedule, he’d always come home buzzing with energy, sharing the details of his day and a few melodies he’d come up with.

Everything just felt harder. Calum had money, sure, but he was conscious of just how quick he was spending it. The last thing he wanted to do was depend on Luke, it already made him uncomfortable that he was basically living rent free, and that his insistence to pay for their takeout once in a while was ignored by Luke.

He wasn’t used to staying at home and watching day time TV while his other half worked. She’d had an established career when they met, and Calum had loved her independence.

He was on the couch – where he’d been since getting up late that morning – and watching reruns of Ellen. It was close to eleven, and Luke had called at six and told him not to expect him home any time soon.

One Direction was recording before flying out to Jakarta the following day, and Luke had no choice but to work through the night until they laid out what they needed. It was his job to make sure they followed the schedule, lending his expertise in production to the four-piece act.

But Calum was bored, and feeling a little abandoned, despite how guilty that thought made him feel. He was the one that had sprung his sudden decision to move in on Luke, and despite how much they’d both wanted it, neither of them had thought much into the future. There were bills and grocery shopping and utilities, and Calum hated seeing Luke dip into his wallet all the time.

Luke was always insistent that he was living well – he’d always been smart with his money, which he attributed to his fantastic grasp of maths – and he didn’t mind paying for things. But Calum wanted to contribute; he wanted to show Luke that he wasn’t just a couch potato, that he’d pay his way.

If only he’d investigated getting a work visa a little more thoroughly.

He was halfway into another episode of Ellen when he heard Luke’s key in the door, and he felt his heart begin to race. He twisted around on the couch, hanging over the back of the dark leather, a stupid grin on his face as he watched the heavy door swing open, and then Luke appeared.

He looked terrible – his denim jacket was rumpled, and his hair that had been perfectly styled that morning was drooping sadly over his forehead. His eyes were dull, his shoulders hunched, and Calum felt guilty.

“Hey,” Luke sighed, shoving the door shut and slid the lock into place, letting his messenger bag fall to the floor beside his toed-off vans, tugging his jacket off to hang on the hook on the back of the door.

“Hey,” Calum greeted softly, beckoning Luke toward him.

Luke stumbled in the direction of the couch, taking the two steps down into the living room, and crawled over the back of the couch into Calum’s lap.

He folded his long legs underneath himself, straddling Calum’s hips as he wrapped his arms around his shoulders, letting out a tired sigh into Calum’s neck.

Calum’s hands slipped up underneath the hem of Luke’s black t-shirt, rubbing his palms up his back slowly. “Rough day?”

“Mhm,” Luke mumbled softly. “Harry Styles is infuriating.”

Calum smiled. It wasn’t the first time Luke had expressed the sentiment, coming home pissed off after writing sessions because the Brit was easily distracted, and preferred to talk about tales from tour instead of taking advantage of the little time they had.

“If he was a shit writer, I wouldn’t mind,” Luke continued softly, his words muffled from where his head was buried in Calum’s neck. “But’s he’s so fucking good, and I hate it.”

Calum kissed his shoulder, letting out a soft sound as he suppressed a yawn. “How long to go?”

“I dunno,” Luke sighed. “We’re about third of the way done with recording, but we’re making a few changes. Trying to take the next album in a more mature direction.”

Calum nodded. “Well with you on board, it’ll be perfect.”

Luke laughed softly, and sat back in Calum’s lap. “What’d you get up to today?”

Calum bit his lip and looked guilty. “Well I did watch _Law & Order _for a few hours,” he said. “Then I made toast, and watched _NCIS_.”

“Should I be worried?” Luke asked, smiling tiredly. “It looks like you’re going to have some pretty good ideas on how to get rid of a body.”

Calum grinned. “I’d never get rid of your body, baby.”

Luke laughed, leaning in to kiss Calum gently. “You eaten?”

“Mhm,” Calum confirmed, reaching up to cup Luke’s jaw. “Leftovers from last night.”

“Good,” Luke nodded, kissing Calum’s cheek before shifting away, and getting up off of Calum to walk towards the kitchen. “Any left?”

Calum watched him go with a frown on his face, hanging over the back of the couch. “You haven’t eaten dinner?”

Luke tugged open the door of the fridge to investigate its contents. “I think someone handed me a meatball sub at eight, but I may have dreamt it.”

Calum rolled his eyes and turned off the TV, climbing over the couch to follow Luke’s path. “I’ll make you something, sit.”

Luke yawned, letting the fridge door swing closed slowly. “I should sleep.”

“At least tell me you don’t have to go in early tomorrow? I’ll take you out for breakfast.”

Luke wrinkled his nose, as if he was trying to sort through his schedule in his head. “Late start tomorrow,” he said around a yawn. “Nine am. I would definitely be interested in breakfast.”

Calum smiled, stepping close to Luke and kissed him softly. “Are you happy, Luke?”

Luke frowned, his hands finding Calum’s hips. “Oh god,” he murmured. “Are you?”

Calum smiled, nudging their noses together. “We moved fast, Luke.”

Luke blinked, suddenly very alert after a fourteen hour day. “Do you regret it?” he whispered. “Is it not what you thought?”

“I don’t regret it,” Calum said softly. “But it’s definitely not what I thought.”

Luke looked a mixture of nauseous and terrified, his hands curling tightly in Calum’s shirt.

“I want to work, Luke,” Calum explained softly. “I want to provide us with another income, I want to have a purpose. I want to _teach_ and I want to carve out a place for myself in your life.”

“You do have a place,” Luke said softly. “I mean, do you not know that?”

“I do,” Calum insisted. “I know how much you love me and want me here. But I didn’t think about the future, of how it would all work out. I was wrapped up in the idea of seeing you every day.”

Luke bit down on his lip – on the ring of metal he’d looped through his skin a few days after Calum arrived – and looked down at the tiled floor.

“I’m not going,” Calum assured him softly, cupping his cheek to guide their eyes back together. “I’m not unhappy and wishing I’d stayed in Sydney. I want to be here more than you know, but I need to contribute.”

“Cal, is that what this is about? That you’re not contributing?”

“Well, it bothers me,” Calum admitted. “You’ve done so well for yourself, and I’m so proud of you, Luke. But I want more than just hanging out here all day waiting for you to come home.”

“Calum,” Luke whispered softly. “Why do I feel like you’re not saying what you really want to say?”

Calum took his hands, lacing their fingers together. “We moved fast,” Calum repeated. “But I wanted to, and I don’t regret it for a minute. I want to be here, and I want to see you every day and I want to talk to you about music and how amazing you are at writing it. But I want something to talk to _you_ about at the end of the day.”

Luke nodded, the fearful look disappearing from his eyes. “I want you to be happy,” he murmured. “I’ve got some time now that my schedule is freeing up. Why don’t you come into the studio, I can show you some stuff I’ve been working on?”

Calum nodded. “I’d love to.”

Luke went quiet, looking down at their joined hands. “Do you miss her?”

Calum shifted uncomfortably, averting his eyes. “I mean, yeah, a little.”

Luke nodded. “Fair enough.”

Calum kissed him softly, pressing Luke against the counter. “C’mon,” he whispered against his lips. “Bed.”

Luke nodded again. “I want you, Cal.”

“I want you to,” Calum whispered softly, biting at Luke’s bottom lip. “Wanted you since we were stupid kids.”

Luke smiled, his fingers threading through Calum’s hair. “We were stupid,” he mumbled. “Having sex in the backseat of your car out front of my house.”

Calum laughed. “Having sex in your treehouse because we figured your mum wouldn’t look for us there.”

“We had a lot of sex,” Luke commented softly, kissing down Calum’s neck.

“We did,” Calum nodded. “Considering we didn’t start until you turned seventeen, we did alright.”

Luke kissed him softly, nuzzling their noses together. “We’re going to make it, right?”

Calum smiled, kissing Luke softly for a long moment. “There’s no other option,” he breathed softly. “This is meant to be.”

Luke smiled, his hands moving to gather Calum’s shirt in his hands, tugging it up and off when Calum lifted his arms.

“Here?” Calum asked softly, tugging at the t-shirt Luke wore.

“Why not?” Luke asked, his hands falling to the waist of Calum’s sweat pants.

“Eh, I suppose this is fine,” Calum teased, and was quickly silenced when Luke’s hand dipped into his boxers.

**

“Is he okay?”

Ashton was too quiet on the other end of the line, and Calum could feel his heart kick up a notch as he waited.

“Ash,” he said, his voice pained. “Is he okay?”

“I,” Ashton began, letting out a slow sigh. “I don’t know, Cal. I’ve never seen him like this.”

Calum could remember all of Michael’s episodes when they were younger. Of him being rushed to the emergency room after being cornered and picked on in PE. He’d spiralled into such a severe anxiety attack that he was knocked out for almost two days on Valium.

He could remember the bruises up Michael’s arms after finding him in his bedroom, using his fist to smash the bruises into his skin because he’d spilled a carton of orange juice on his mum’s sofa. He didn’t take to change or confrontation well at all, and when Ashton had called and said the words – _Michael, he’s uh…he’s in St Vincent’s. It’s bad, Cal –_ Calum had felt monumental guilt for leaving him.

Ashton explained that Michael’s work said in no uncertain terms that he’d have to make the Japan trip. There was no way they were going to secure the international support they needed without the star artist of the comic.

The information alone had sent Michael into a tail spin, and Ashton had tried to help – he really had – but apparently kissing Michael when he was that upset, had set off a chain of events that Ashton himself could barely understand.

Michael had scratched his throat, chest and thighs so badly he’d needed medical attention, and he was hysterical to the point of unconsciousness. Ashton had explained holding Michael to his chest while his dad called an ambulance, and recounted how the younger man had been trembling, sobbing loudly before he passed out, his body going lax. For a few agonizing seconds, Ashton thought he was gone, for good.

“Where is he? What’s going on?” Calum got up off the couch and started to pace, running his free hand through his hair.

He wanted Luke, he wanted his comforting arms and calm voice, but he was at work. Calum could feel his emotions building quickly, and his eyes burned with tears.

“He’s with the doctors,” Ashton explained. “It’s fucking four am and I can’t get in there to see him, but they came and got his dad a half hour ago.”

Calum sniffed, pressing his fingers to his eyes. “Do you know what they gave him? Do they know that he can’t handle Lexapro?”

“Cal,” Ashton said softly. “I don’t _know_. I’m a little out of my depth here. They’d have his records.”

“Yeah, but the fact that Lexapro makes him too drowsy won’t be in there. He hates coming down off of it.”

Ashton let out a soft, pained sob. “Cal, this is my fault. I just…I tried to comfort him and he lost it.”

Calum’s shoulders dropped, could feel the same pain running through his veins that Ashton clearly felt. “I’m sorry,” he said softly. “You didn’t know…I didn’t even know he’d react like that. I think the whole Japan thing probably knocked him on his ass, and then, I don’t know. He took it the wrong way.”

“I had my arm around him,” Ashton explained. “I was holding him and he was holding onto me and I just, I kissed him. A small kiss on the lips and he fell to pieces.”

Calum felt helpless, and a world away from his friends. He wanted to be there for Michael, to crawl into his hospital bed like he did when they were kids, and cuddle him while he came down off of whatever drug the hospital would give him.

Michael hated it, the feeling of coming out of the drug-induced haze. He’d always insist that he’d never do it again, that the idea of losing it so badly he’d need the strong dose of anti-psychotics was enough to keep him from losing it.

But a few months later – or even a year – Michael would be back in hospital and insisting he’d never be there again.

“Okay, his dad is coming out,” Ashton said quickly. “I’ll call you back.”

Calum nodded, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Please. And Ash, if you see him? Just…tell him I love him.”

“I will,” Ashton promised, hanging up quickly.

Calum strangled a cry of pain in his throat, and quickly dialled Luke’s number. He listened to the phone ring, and he could feel his control slipping.

“Hey, baby.”

Calum bit down on his bottom lip to keep from sobbing.

“Cal?”

“Luke,” he mumbled, sniffing.

“What’s wrong?” Luke’s voice was full of concern, and Calum could hear a door shutting in the background.

“Mikey,” Calum rasped softly. “He’s back in hospital and Ash says it’s really bad.”

“Shit,” Luke murmured. “I’ll come home, do you want me to come home?”

Calum let out a soft whimper. “Yes,” he whispered. “Is that okay? I know you’re busy-“

“Cal,” Luke cut in, his voice soft. “I’m coming home.”

Calum nodded quickly. “Yeah, okay, thanks.” He heard the distinct beeps of the call waiting. “Ash is calling me back, I’ll see you soon.”

“I’m leaving now,” Luke promised.

Calum mumbled a soft goodbye and intercepted the call from Ashton. “Yeah?”

“They gave him doxepin,” Ashton sighed. “He’s crashed out now, and I can go in and see him. They cleaned the scratch marks and he’s restrained.”

Calum let out a shaky sigh. “Jesus Christ, Ash. I should be there.”

“It’s okay,” Ashton eased softly. “He’s okay, and they’re going to keep him for the next three days and then he’ll meet with his psychiatrist.”

“They’re keeping him?” Calum asked. “A three day psych hold?”

“It’s standard,” Ashton explained.

“He didn’t try to kill himself,” Calum scoffed. “Did they read his file at all? The scratches are his way of coping, not some stupid fucking suicide attempt.”

“Cal, it’s _bad_ ,” Ashton sighed. “He needed stitches in his thigh, and he has scratches from his chin to his chest. I’m terrified to see him.”

Calum could remember the feeling well. After Michael’s mum had passed, he’d spiralled down fast and had spent three weeks in hospital. For the first week he was under constant sedation, and Calum would hold his hand and try not to look at the marks on his arms.

“You need to put it aside, Ash. How you feel? He needs you to be there to hold him and tell him it’s okay, and that he’s beautiful. You can’t let him feel how he’ll think _you_ feel. He’ll think he’s disgusting, but you can’t let him-“

“Cal,” Ashton said softly.

“I know,” Calum whispered, sniffing. “I can’t do it though, Ash. And I feel like shit because I’m so far away.”

“Let me go and see him,” Ashton suggested gently. “Let him get some sleep and I’ll try to and I’ll call you later?”

Calum nodded quickly. “Call me anytime, okay? I don’t care what time.”

“I will, I promise,” Ashton assured him.

Calum let out a sigh. “Tell him I love him.”

Ashton assured him he would, and then disconnected the call.

Calum set his phone down on the kitchen counter and sank down onto the floor beside the tall bar stools. He started at nothing, unable to think about anything other than Michael – scared, lost, medicated and stressed – and he couldn’t be there to hold his hand.

He must’ve zoned out, because he wasn’t aware of Luke arriving until the other man was crouched down in front of him.

“Cal?”

Calum sniffed, blinking rapidly as he focused on Luke’s eyes. “Hey.”

Luke managed a soft, sympathetic smile. “C’mon, up off the floor.”

Calum took Luke’s hands when he offered them, and groaned as he was hauled to his feet. He pulled Luke in close, wrapping his arms tightly around him.

“Hey,” Luke said softly, his hands warm and sure against Calum’s back. “You wanna talk about it?”

Calum shook his head.

Luke cupped his cheek, pressing a soft kiss to his temple. “Wanna go lay down?”

Calum nodded.

Luke smiled, guiding him towards their bedroom, sitting Calum down on the edge of the bed as took his jacket and shoes off.

Calum crawled up the bed further, flopping down on the sheets and pillows. It was early afternoon but his energy was gone, and as he watched Luke take off his beanie and run his fingers through his hair, he felt the deep, passionate love he’d always felt. But he couldn’t deny the want inside of himself, to be _home_.

“Are you okay?”

Calum sighed, shrugging his shoulders as Luke crawled onto the bed. “I’m worried.”

Luke tugged him in, spooning around Calum’s back. “Do you want to go home?”

“No,” Calum said softly, unconvincingly.

Luke pressed a kiss to the space behind Calum’s ear. “I love you.”

Calum closed his eyes. “I love you too, Luke.”

“We’ll figure it out,” he promised softly, hand splaying out on Calum’s abdomen.

Calum wanted to believe that, but his heart and his head were warring, torn between feeling out of place, and feeling guilty for not being there for Michael.

“I could get you work, down at the label.”

“Yeah?” Calum asked softly.

“Not with me, so you wouldn’t be stuck with my ugly mug,” Luke smiled. “You still remember how to play bass, right?”

“A little,” Calum admitted. “Not enough to play with musicians.”

“You’d be surprised,” Luke mumbled softly. “I’d love to see how much you remember. We could take a look at some of the older stuff.”

Calum nodded, but his heart wasn’t in it.

Maybe his heart wasn’t in LA, either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...sorry?
> 
> Things can't stay perfect forever, but this is an incredibly brutal chapter! I still feel a lot of emotion when reading it! Not only is Calum in dire straights, but so is Michael. It's turned into an incredibly complicated mess, and I would love to hear theories on just how things are going to be resolved!
> 
> Thank you to everyone who's reading this, it's so hard to believe that over 2700 people have clicked on this little link of mine, and have given me a chance!
> 
> A special thanks goes out to thatfangirlingfreak, reader000, thewintersoldier, spunkykiddo, Ishi, forest_of_flowers, lxcifxrhemmo, HylianCoffee, fivesecondsofslash, calum_xxx_hood, Tempestlamp for your lovely comments, and to all the wonderful people who have found me on tumblr and flailed at me over there! It means so, so much.
> 
> Until next time!
> 
> xoxo  
> Jenna


	13. Poetic Tragedy

“You fucking asshole.”

Calum smiled, letting out a breath he had seemed to be holding for almost ten days.

“Seriously,” the voice spat over the phone. “What is your fucking problem?”

“Nice to talk to you too, Mikey.”

Michael sighed in annoyance. “Ashton told me you got all end of the world on him. What’s your problem?”

Calum pressed his fingertips to his eyes and let out a sigh. It was nearing eight at night and Luke was stuck in the city. He’d had a pathetic dinner of leftover pizza, and drank five beers to feel better when Michael had called.

He’d been released from the hospital only two days before, after a complication of coming off the doxepin. Calum had sobbed over the phone as Ashton had recounted the events in a shaky, broken voice. How Michael had been drowsy for three days straight, and how his speech had started to slur when Ashton was holding his hand. The accompanying seizure had changed everything, and Calum couldn’t bear to hear how Ashton had watched the doctors shock Michael’s body back to life.

“I’m _fine_ ,” Michael said, still clearly annoyed.

“ _Now_ ,” Calum whispered. “ _Now_ you’re fine. You weren’t fine a week ago, and you weren’t fine before that, either.”

“Shit happens, Cal. Now they know not to give me doxepin again. I don’t know why they would, considering it’s a tricyclic, and they should’ve used a benzodiazepine like serepax. And they call themselves doctors.”

Calum rubbed at his temples, his eyes pressed shut tightly. “Can you just shut up?” he asked tiredly.

“I’m _fine_ ,” Michael groaned out. “I’m home and Ashton is wearing a cute little apron and tending to my every whim; it’s awesome.”

“Shut up, Michael!” Calum snapped angrily. “You don’t get to call me and act all annoyed by my concern. You don’t get to downplay it and treat me like a worrying mother when I am stuck halfway around the world from you!”

“Well.”

“Do you know how scared I was?” Calum demanded. “How worried I was when Ashton called me the first time to tell me you were in hospital? I’ve never felt fear like that. And to know you weren’t coming out from the sedation right away? And then the fucking seizure? You have no right to call me and act like my concern is an inconvenience!”

Calum wasn’t aware that he was yelling, he could hear nothing but the sound of blood rushing in his ears and the fast, pounding beat of his heart. But as soon as he was quiet; as soon as he was gasping for air, the anger was palpable, and he wished with everything he had, that he could yell at Michael in person.

“I’m sorry, Cal.”

“No, you’re not sorry,” Calum insisted. “Because you don’t take this shit seriously, Michael. You could’ve died! You probably would’ve if Ashton wasn’t there with you. He _saved_ your fucking _life_ , and you get on the phone with me and make that seem like nothing?”

Michael sighed softly. “You’re not okay, are you?”

Calum let out a pained laugh that sounded like a sob. “No, I’m really not.”

For the first time since uni exams, he wanted a cigarette. He wanted a shot of Jim Beam or a hard punch to the face to knock him out, to escape the fear he’d been living in for the past ten days. He seriously considered finding a 7/11 for a pack of smokes, but realized he wasn’t in any state to venture out of the apartment.

He’d been pretty much isolated ever since Michael had gotten sick, and had blown off Luke’s numerous offers to take him into the studio to meet a few people, to see if he could get some work. His head wasn’t in it, and he was distracted all the time thinking about Michael.

“I’m sorry,” Michael said softly. “I just…I don’t like to make a fuss.”

“I know,” Calum mumbled. “But a fuss is needed, this time. You get that, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Michael sighed. “But I just…I feel like such a burden. You’re in LA with Luke – _finally –_ and I know how much shit you take on board when I’m not well. I don’t want to give you a reason to want to come back.”

Calum sighed, sagging against the wall by the bathroom. He was exhausted, unsure how he was managing to function given that he hadn’t been sleeping well. Luke tried to help, he really did, but there was nothing he could do. Nothing would feel any better until Calum heard Michael’s voice, and now, it felt like it was making it worse.

“Tell me about LA,” Michael insisted softly. “Have you met Blink yet? All Time Low? Did you tell Alex Gaskarth to come down under?”

Calum pressed his eyes shut, and pressed his forehead to his knee. “It’s not like that, Mikey.”

“You’ve been gone a month,” Michael pointed out. “Orrrr are you spending all your time in bed with Luke?”

Calum had been so preoccupied over the last ten days that all he’d wanted from Luke was comfort. He wasn’t in the right frame of mind for sex, and he sure as hell didn’t see the point in tugging Luke too far into his depression.

“It’s not like that,” Calum repeated softly.

Michael made a soft sound. “It’s not what you thought, is it?”

Calum sighed tiredly. “It’s really not. I love him – you know I do – and I know he loves me, but…”

“Love’s not always enough,” Michael murmured softly.

“I don’t know if I’m enough,” Calum sighed. “He is, he always has been. But it’s not the same when we were younger. He’s incredible, Mikey. Some days he goes into work in his skinny jeans and his ripped band t-shirts and he’s the Luke I remember, but then sometimes he’ll put on these three piece suits – Armani, I checked – and he’ll be gone all day in a production contract meeting with lawyers and clients and that’s the Luke I don’t know. The Luke he’s become over the last eight years.”

“You’ve changed too, Cal,” Michael pointed out. “It’d be crazy to think things would be like they were when you were twenty-one.”

“I know, and I didn’t expect that,” Calum said. “But I’m so out of my depth here. I’m used to having a purpose and having friends and going out. I just sit around, because I don’t know where I’m going.”

“Don’t you come home,” Michael said passionately. “Don’t you fucking run away again, Calum Hood. Because I will kick your ass as soon as the doctor gives me the all clear.”

Calum sighed.

“But,” Michael said, mirroring his sigh. “You’ve already made up your mind, haven’t you?”

Calum opened his mouth, but didn’t know what to say.

“Calum,” Michael said softly. “Say it.”

Calum could feel the tears burning his eyes as he hiccupped out a sigh. “I think I have to come home.”

“Cal?” Luke cleared his throat.

Calum looked up into his hurt blue eyes, and felt the last of his resolve crumble as tears slipped down his cheeks.

**

Calum sat on one end of the couch from Luke, his hands wedged between his closed knees. They’d sat there in silence for almost thirty minutes, after Calum had said a quick goodbye to Michael, and Luke had stumbled into the living room.

He was in a grey three-piece suit, with a lavender button down shirt and a striped tie. He looked so handsome, yet tired, and Calum knew that by the end of the conversation they would have to have, he’d look a whole lot worse.

“How long have you wanted to leave?” Luke asked quietly.

Calum looked over at him quickly, before looking down at his hands. “Not…it’s not like I’ve wanted to go since I got here,” he mumbled.

“But you want to go now?”

Calum sighed. “I don’t _know_ , Luke.”

“How long, Calum? Because I know you haven’t been here with me for the last two weeks, so how fucking long?”

Calum was surprised by his anger. Luke was almost always placid in nature, but he supposed that a lot had changed in eight years.

“I don’t know,” Calum muttered. “It’s not like I want to leave _you_ , Luke. I love being with you. It’s just…LA. I don’t fit.”

“And you’ve made that decision after just a month?” Luke asked. “Have you _tried_ to give it a chance? Have you come down to my office like I asked? Have you put in any effort at all?”

“Don’t do that,” Calum demanded, his brow creasing into a frown. “ _You_ left, remember?” he countered. “ _You_ couldn’t handle LA the first time around.”

“Because I was in love with _you_!” Luke demanded. “But I came back and I gave it a chance and I finally found my place. It’s like you don’t want to try, because you don’t want to be here.”

“Don’t accuse me of not wanting to be here,” Calum responded. “I left my _fiancé_ for you!”

Luke scoffed, getting up off the couch to pace across the living room. “Wow, so you’re throwing that up at me?” he demanded. “I didn’t _ask_ you to pick me!”

“Not by saying the words,” Calum snorted. “You show up at my door, we sleep together, and then all of a sudden it’s _I love you, Calum_ or _I came back for you_ and then what the fuck was I supposed to do?”

“Oh, so I’m a choice made from obligation? Or because you felt like you owed me? That’s fucking good to know, Cal. Thanks.”

Calum rolled his eyes and stood up. “What do you expect? You _knew_ I was getting married. I didn’t ask you to show up at my house, I didn’t ask to speak to you! You could’ve stayed away!”

Luke’s blue eyes were full of pain, but he was trying to cover it up with anger. “Then go back to Sydney,” he demanded. “If I’m a fucking choice you felt you _had_ to make, then I don’t want you here.”

Calum felt sick at the idea of leaving, and he knew his words were coming from anger. He _loved_ Luke, with everything he had, but it was so badly twisted that he felt like he was drowning.

“Get out!” Luke demanded, his eyes brimming with tears.

“No, Luke,” Calum said softly.

Luke crossed the room to shove at his chest, but the action had no venom. “Get out! I don’t want you to be here if you don’t want to be!”

“Luke,” Calum mumbled.

“Get out!” he shouted again, the tears starting to slip down his cheeks. “Go home, Calum! You don’t want LA, you don’t want me.”

Calum watched his hand strike out again, and he caught his wrist easily, tugging Luke against his chest. “Luke,” he mumbled again.

“No,” Luke sobbed out softly, struggling against him. “I’m so fucking stupid for thinking eight years meant nothing.”

Calum cupped his jaw, forcing eye contact. “It’s not us,” he whispered softly, kissing away the tears that fell. “It’s here and now, and we didn’t _think_ , Luke. I dropped everything to chase the excitement of being with you.”

“So if you don’t want it, go,” Luke whispered out miserably. “I’ve done it before, Cal. I’ve lived without you, and I guess I’ll figure out how to do it again.”

“Shut up,” Calum groaned softly, one hand moving to curl around the back of Luke’s neck. “I _love_ you, Luke Hemmings. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“Fuck you,” Luke whispered.

Calum smiled sadly. “It’s LA, it’s not you.”

“You haven’t even tried,” Luke accused softly.

“I thought it would all work out,” Calum murmured. “I thought that I’d get here and we’d figure it out and I’d get a job. I don’t even have a visa,” he sighed. “We didn’t think this through.”

“So now you want to run away?”

Calum pressed his eyes shut and let out a soft sigh. “Can’t you come back to Sydney?”

“The commute would be a bitch.”

Calum smiled sadly, ducking down to kiss Luke.

“No,” he demanded, a hand on Calum’s chest. “You don’t get to kiss me when you want to leave.”

“Luke,” Calum sighed.

“Don’t _Luke_ me,” he demanded angrily. “You don’t get to mouth off to me about how I made you choose me over her, or that I went after you despite you being engaged. You’re such a fucking asshole.”

“I know,” Calum mumbled. “I’m wrong and I’m stupid.”

“And a fucking asshole,” Luke prompted. “Say it.”

“I’m a fucking asshole,” Calum breathed, stroking a thumb over Luke’s jaw.

“If you leave, Cal, I don’t know what will happen.”

Calum kissed him again, softly, their noses nudging.

“Stop,” Luke mumbled against his mouth, pushing him away. “Stop trying to cover this up with your mouth. We’re talking about you _leaving_ -“

Calum kissed him again, slowly moving his mouth gently against Luke’s, his tongue pressing into his mouth. He held him close, and could feel Luke start to fight, but it quickly dissipated as his hands grabbed handfuls of Calum’s t-shirt to pull him closer.

They kissed like there was no urgency, that there wasn’t a question hanging over their heads. Calum’s fingers moved to unbutton Luke’s vest, pushing both that and his jacket off his broad shoulders.

“It’s Hugo Boss,” Luke mumbled against his mouth.

Calum smiled. “Fucking pretentious ass.”

Luke let out a soft whimper and pulled him closer.

Calum kissed him again, his tongue pressing back into Luke’s mouth as he untucked his shirt. Luke’s hands were immobile on his waist, his fingers tightening their hold when Calum loosened his tie.

“Wait,” he whispered, pulling away as Calum finished unbuttoning his shirt, his breath fast and his face red.

“What?” Calum asked, his hands sneaking in under the soft fabric to run his palms up Luke’s back.

“This is goodbye sex, isn’t it?”

Calum felt the full weight of Luke’s words hit him in the chest, and for the first time in two months, the sucking, open chest wound was back.

“We said no more goodbye sex,” Luke whispered, taking his hands off of Calum to fold his shirt closed.

Calum nodded, taking a few steps away from the other man, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“You’re really going,” Luke whispered softly.

Calum couldn’t look at him, couldn’t bear to break another heart. It was all he seemed to do, and he wondered how he’d ended up with someone like Luke, and someone like her. There was nothing special about him, and it was obvious now, because he kept breaking their hearts.

“Get out,” Luke whispered, pressing his fingers to his trembling lips. “Just go, please?”

“I have nowhere to go.”

Luke sniffed. “Then sleep on the couch. I don’t want you to be here when I get home from work tomorrow.”

Calum nodded, feeling the wound get larger. He could hear his heart slamming against his ribcage, and his brain screaming at him to _stop_. This wasn’t supposed to happen, and he never could’ve imagined this fate when he’d gotten on that airplane a month ago.

“I love you, Calum,” Luke mumbled. “And for the first time in a long time, I wish I didn’t.”

**

“I’d say it’s good to see you, but it would be a lie.”

Calum managed a smile – which turned into a grimace – and hiked his bag up further on his shoulder.

Ashton fell into step with him as they navigated their way out of Sydney international airport and into the late afternoon sun.

“Cal,” Ashton murmured, reaching out to stop him once they reached the taxi bay. “What happened?”

Calum sniffed, rubbing distractedly at his nose to keep from crying. “I ruined it, and now I’ll never hear from him again.”

“Jesus,” Ashton sighed.

“Yep,” Calum said, laughing bitterly. “I was on point,” he said. “Accused him of ruining the wedding, my relationship; that if he’d stayed away, this never would’ve happened.”

Ashton cringed.

“I couldn’t do LA, and he told me I never tried to anyway. We moved too fast, and pretended like eight years meant nothing.”

Ashton opened his mouth to say something, but was at a loss.

“It’s fine,” Calum assured him, clapping his shoulder. “I do need a favour though.”

“Yeah?” Ashton asked.

“A place to say?” Calum asked, his eyes tired and lifeless and his shoulders stooped.

“Yeah, of course,” Ashton nodded. “We just have to make a stop, first.”

**

“ _That’s_ for being a fucking moron.”

Calum pressed a hand to his stinging cheek, his brows drawn into a frown as he stared at Michael.

“Seriously!” Michael demanded. “I spoke to you three _days_ ago and now you’re single and back in Sydney?”

Calum was still a little stunned from the slap Michael had given him, though to be fair, the other man had promised an ass kicking if he came home. But there was a part of Calum that wished he’d been welcomed with open arms, because he was in desperate need of a hug.

Luke hadn’t acknowledged him the morning after their fight. Calum had tried boxing him in against the kitchen counter, _begging_ him to talk, but the other man and had been cold as ice. Calum got the hint loud and clear when a knock at the door came around lunchtime; a car service to take Calum to a motel near LAX.

He’d stayed there two days until he could get a flight home, and had ended up in Ashton’s Ford Fiesta and on his way to Michael’s.

His friend was still on bed rest, but it didn’t look much different from Michael’s normal day to day routine; holed up in his man cave with blankets over him and an Xbox controller in his hands. Calum loved how seeing him felt like home, and he didn’t hesitate in snuggling close after Michael had delivered the sharp sting against his cheek.

“You’re so stupid,” Michael sighed, running his fingers through Calum’s greasy hair. “And you smell, too.”

“Thanks,” Calum mumbled, seeing Ashton leave the room to give them a moment.

“He called yesterday,” Michael said softly. “Told me some of the things you said.”

“Great,” Calum sighed. “You hate me too?”

“You’re an idiot and you’ve made a terrible, horrific mistake, but I don’t hate you. I hate that you ruined this for you _and_ Luke. Because he’s devastated.”

“He told me to go,” Calum mumbled.

“After you blamed your failed engagement on him,” Michael scoffed. “I’m sympathetic, but I’m not letting you get away with your behaviour. Even if I am confined to this couch.”

Calum nosed in against Michael’s chest some more, letting out a sigh. “He knows I love him, right?”

“He knows,” Michael nodded. “It’s not enough, but he knows.”

Calum pressed his eyes shut. He’d spent much of his flight in the same state, not wanting to cry while sitting next to two strangers. He carried the hurt inside of himself, and had only planned to release it when he was alone.

“Calum,” Michael sighed. “Why?”

“I panicked and LA was just…it’s not me and he’s LA now and what if it didn’t work and then what if I ruined things with her and-“

“Okay, let me interrupt you here,” Michael said softly, his fingernails dragging gently over Calum’s scalp. “First of all, you gave LA a month, you fucking moron. It takes longer to matriculate into a new place. Second, you’ve caused the break up, so no, it didn’t work. And thirdly – and you better fucking listen to me on this – if you contact her, and try to pick things back up I will have Ashton hit you, and I think he’ll do it because she is his friend, and he cares about her.”

Calum sighed shakily, and nodded. “Maybe I’m destined to hurt everyone who loves me.”

“Don’t be so dramatic,” Michael sighed. “Get your shit together, and make up with Luke, if you can.”

“I doubt he’ll want to,” Calum admitted. “I just…I left things so bad.”

“How?”

“He didn’t tell you?” Calum asked, sitting back, Michael’s fingers slipping from his hair.

“Oh God,” Michael sighed, rolling his eyes. “What did you do?”

“I just,” Calum mumbled. “Well, I tried to initiate sex.”

“Oh that’s great,” Michael responded sarcastically. “Nothing like a good fuck to distract him, right?”

“No!” Calum insisted, frowning. “I mean, that wasn’t my intention.”

“He stop you?”

Calum nodded. “So he should’ve it, it was a dick move.”

“I’m glad you know that.”

Calum looked over at Michael. His skin was pale; the marks on his throat stark pink against the milky tone, and dark circles resided under his eyes. He didn’t _look_ well, and Calum felt monumentally selfish for bring his baggage to the door of someone who had enough of their own.

“Oh come on,” Michael sighed, smacking weakly at Calum’s knee. “We were doing so well – you hadn’t looked at me like I was sick until just now.”

“I’m sorry,” Calum said softly.

Michael waved away his apology. “You’re an idiot. Can you please hug me so you know I’m not going to break?”

Calum leant in eagerly, wrapping his arms around Michael tightly. “I’m so glad you’re okay.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Michael mumbled against his shoulder.

“Am I interrupting?”

Calum pulled back at the sound of Ashton’s voice, and waved him into the room. “Just being over dramatic.”

Ashton smiled and sat down next to Michael, pressing a kiss to his forehead.

Michael’s skin pinked up at the affection, and Calum’s heart ached to see how happy he was.

“He didn’t cause the freak out,” Michael said, looking from Ashton to Calum. “He thinks because he kissed me I lost it, but it wasn’t the way it happened. I’m just not _used_ to someone kissing me.”

“I know,” Calum said softly, a small smile on his face.

“Well, I wish _he_ knew,” Michael said, gesturing toward Ashton. “He keeps looking at me with guilty eyes.”

“It’s not guilty eyes,” Ashton insisted. “And stop talking about me like I’m not here!”

Michael smiled and leant over to kiss his cheek. “Then stop looking at me like your mouth made me pass out. You’re not that great.”

Calum smiled, reaching out to squeeze Michael’s wrist gently. “I’m so glad you guys are together.”

“I would be too, if the doctor didn’t mention the whole _no sex_ thing until my next ECG.”

Calum raised a brow, looking at Ashton. “I didn’t know you guys were having sex.”

“I haven’t let him go to third base, but we’re getting there.”

Ashton groaned. “Now I wish I wasn’t here. Do we _have_ to talk about our sex life?”

“Babe, we don’t have one at the moment,” Michael soothed. “But your blowjobs should be talked about, they’re art.”

“Calum, get up, we’re going,” Ashton demanded, standing up quickly as his cheeks stained red.

Calum managed the first real laugh in weeks, and felt his heart ache as he thought of Luke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...I'm really, really sorry?
> 
> As you've all noticed, things are never good for long in this story - just like in life! That sounds so pessimistic, but I'm honestly trying to convey that you can never depend on things being perfect. Life isn't easy and things for Luke and Calum aren't easy either. Calum is running away (again) and Luke is left with a broken heart once more. Hopefully they can figure it out before the end of the story. 
> 
> Special thanks to puppies, thewintersoldier, calum_xxx_hood, lxcifxrhemmo, fivesecondsofslash, Ishi, Hroff, fuckmehoodings, reader000, awfuldaycupcake, Rux & aalexandravictoriaa for their comments, and thanks to everyone who is reading this story - it's awesome. 
> 
> Until next time!
> 
> xoxo  
> Jenna


	14. The Lonely

“So, I’ve given you two weeks.”

Calum looked up from where he was sprawled on Ashton’s couch, Cheezel  dust on his mouth and hands. He was slightly annoyed, having to take his attention away from _Judge Judy_ though he figured that Ashton’s presence meant he might not have to get up off the couch to get himself a Corona.

“What?”

“Two weeks,” Ashton continued, reaching down to grab the remote and switched the TV off. “I picked you up fourteen days ago and figured that you’d need a week to mope, a week to be mad, and then you might, I don’t know, get off your ass, call your parents, maybe see if you can come back to work in the new year? You do realize that the only two people who know you’re back are me and Michael?”

“Yes,” Calum said slowly. “I’ve been meaning to call mum and dad.”

Ashton rolled his eyes and walked around the couch to shove Calum’s feet off the cushion so he could sit down. “Seriously, man. I want to see you getting your life together, or trying to talk to Luke. You’re not doing either of those things and I’m halfway between worried and pissed off.”

Calum frowned, sitting up slowly, crumbs scattering down onto the polished wooden floorboards. “Work isn’t expecting me back until February. Luke will probably never talk to me again, and what’s the point in getting my shit together?”

“The _point_ ,” Ashton said, taking the box of Cheezels away and setting them on the coffee table. “Is that you become a functioning member of society again. And to stop drinking all my beer! Your place is going up for auction at the end of the month, so you could try and see if you can keep it, maybe buy her share?”

Calum shook his head. “No, I don’t want to live there.”

“Okay, fair enough,” Ashton nodded. “But you can’t live with me forever. And eventually I’m going to want Michael to move in and-“

“Woah, what? Michael moving in?” Calum demanded, raising his brows.

Ashton frowned, his cheeks going pink. “I said _eventually_ ,” he mumbled. “Anyway, you’re a fucking grown up, and if you want to eat chips and drink beer at your _own_ place, that’s perfectly acceptable. But to do it here is sad.”

Calum sighed. As annoying as the conversation was, he’d been expecting it. He’d taken up residence on Ashton’s couch, and for the first week Scooby had been ecstatic with his return. But as he slumped further and further into his funk, even the dog was choosing to spend time in the back yard, than in the depressing slump Calum had created in the living room.

He didn’t _want_ to be such a slob and take advantage of his friend, but he felt like he’d failed at everything – a successful relationship, moving abroad, taking care of Luke – he’d fucked it all up and the idea of admitting it to everyone – especially _her_ – was more than he could bear.

“Have you tried to talk to Luke?”

Calum gave Ashton a pointed look. “You’ve been talking to him. Has he said I have?”

Ashton frowned. “Jesus, Cal. I get your ego took a hit, and your pride is six feet under, but how about you recognize the fact you fucked up, and instead of drinking at two in the afternoon, you actually take responsibility for your actions and try and fix things?”

“He doesn’t want to fix things,” Calum demanded. “ _He_ threw _me_ out, remember?”

Ashton got up off the couch, shaking his head. “Sounds like you let him, Cal.”

**

“Merry Christmas!”

Calum smiled, wrapping his arms around Michael’s middle tightly, burying his face in the other man’s fluffy hair. “Merry Christmas,” he mumbled. “I like the blue on you.”

Michael pulled away and preened, his fingers combing through the strands proudly. “Thanks dude. I’m glad you could make it.”

Calum stepped inside, letting the front door shut gently as he redistributed the carton of beer on his hip. “Where can I dump this?”

“Kitchen,” Michael nodded, leading the way down the short hallway where they found Ashton over the stove.

“Merry Christmas!” Ashton called out, wooden spoon in a pot of what looked to be spaghetti.

“Merry Christmas,” Calum responded, setting the carton of Coronas down to cross the kitchen and hugged Ashton from behind. “How’s it going?” he whispered in his ear.

Ashton grinned, taking the wooden spoon out of the pot to stir a pan of bubbling tomato sauce. “It’s great,” he said softly. “He’s settled and comfortable. Ever since they switched him to the lorazepam last month, it’s been incredible.”

Calum looked over at Michael, who was breaking apart the carton of beer, and loading the bottles into the fridge. He looked so at home, and Calum guessed that was fitting, considering he’d moved into Ashton’s place a few weeks earlier.

Ashton had been prepared for a rocky road, and Michael himself had seen his doctor a few times as they figured out the details. He wanted the move to go as smoothly as possible, and to everyone’s relief, it had.

Deep down, Calum was horribly bitter, of course he was. His two best friends had found love in each other and were taking steps towards starting their lives together. It was as soul-crushing as it was beautiful, and despite Calum’s jaded view on love, he was happy for them.

Because neither of them had ever looked as happy as they did when they were together. Calum wanted that for them, and he was proud of the both of them, how far they’d come.

He himself felt stuck in slow quicksand. Every day he woke to find himself a little bit deeper in the sludge; a desperate dance of mediocrity that he was too damaged to fix. He’d forced himself into the box labelled _lost cause_ and had set up residence in its warm, yet suffocating walls.

His journey to get to the woeful box had been uneventful after moving off of Ashton’s couch at the end of August, leasing a one bedroom apartment not too far from his parent’s place before preparing to go back to work in January.

He was at a point where he was existing, not quite happy, but not unhappy enough to change.

“How’s mama and papa Hood?”

“Good,” Calum nodded, taking a seat at the counter as Ashton cooked. “Awesome Christmas lunch, skyped Mali for a bit and yeah. Same old.”

Ashton smiled. “And how is your gorgeous sister?”

Calum smiled. “She’s great. Hoping to be home by Easter.”

He felt relaxed; at home with his friends and the promise of good food and plenty of beer to come. He was halfway through his first when the doorbell rang.

He raised a brow. “Are you expecting someone?”

Michael grinned. “Oh yes, we are! Wait here!”

Calum had a bemused smile on his face as he watched Michael go, and turned to Ashton to make a joke, when he saw the pinched look on the other man’s face.

“What?”

“I tried to talk him out of it,” Ashton sighed, putting a lid on the pasta saucepan.

“Out of what?

“Cal!” Michael called, and Calum looked over his shoulder to see Michael and a man he’d never seen before, coming down the hallway to the kitchen.

Ashton winced.

“This is James,” Michael smiled, his hands on the mystery man’s shoulders.

“Okay,” Calum nodded. “Hi, James.”

The man – _James –_ smiled, and held out his hand to shake.

Calum did, and almost instantly, realized what was going on.  “Michael!”

Michael grinned. “What? I’m sick of you moping about. James is lovely. Aren’t you, James?”

James was a little bewildered, though his dark brown eyes were kind of mesmerizing. “I’m…not bad,” he answered slowly.

Calum was still horribly embarrassed – and a little offended – plus slightly upset that his quiet Christmas dinner with friends was now ruined because _apparently_ he had to perform as if he were on a date. With a guy he didn’t know, and wasn’t ready for.

Calum slipped off his stool and grabbed Michael by the wrist, sending an apologetic smile James’ way as he tugged his friend out of the room.

“Calum,” Ashton sighed.

Calum didn’t stop until he’d pulled Michael into the bathroom. “Why, Mikey? I just wanted a nice dinner with you and Ash,” he sighed.

“Calum,” Michael started. “It’s been four months and you’re not trying to move on. I’m helping.”

“You’re not,” Calum stressed. “I don’t _need_ you to find me a guy, Mikey. I don’t want to date anyone right now.”

“That’s what you _think_ ,” Michael smiled. “And maybe you don’t have to _date_ James, but you could probably do with a good roll around.”

Calum rolled his eyes. “No thanks. And Jesus, ever since you and Ashton started fucking, you keep insisting I need to get laid.”

“Well,” Michael said haughtily. “I’m having _great_ sex, and I want you to as well. So sorry,” he said petulantly.

“Michael, I don’t _deserve_ great sex. I just want to be left alone.”

Michael rolled his eyes. “Cal, I love you. But I’m sick of this bullshit. If you’re not going to try to move on, try and fix shit with Luke.”

The mention of his name made Calum’s chest ache, and while he knew he wasn’t over the other man – and never would be – the idea of  trying to make amends, he knew, would end in disaster.

“Can you please get rid of James?”

“No!” Michael demanded shrilly. “I can’t kick him out on _Christmas_ , you prick!”

Calum grit his teeth. “Fine. I’ll go.”

Michael grabbed his wrist as he tried to leave. “Don’t go, Jesus. You’re so fucking dramatic.” He opened the door and pulled Calum out, heading toward the kitchen.

“Everything okay?” Ashton asked wearily.

Calum shrugged a shoulder, Michael nodded.

“James,” Michael smiled. “Cal here is a little shy, and has come out of a relationship recently.”

“Okay?” James said softly, confused.

“Michael,” Ashton sighed. “Did you bother to ask James if he’d be interested in meeting Calum?”

“Who wouldn’t be interested?” Michael demanded. “Calum is perfect.”

Calum felt like throwing up.

“Mikey,” Ashton tried again. “James is _straight_ , and seemed very shocked and surprised to know that you’d invited him here tonight to meet Calum, as a potential _date_.”

Calum snorted, and Michael glared at him.

“Sorry?” James offered, sliding his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

“Well,” Michael said, waving his hand through the air. “It’s good, because Calum’s not ready to date. He’s an emotional basket case.”

Calum rolled his eyes. “Yeah, thanks Mikey.”

“I think I need a beer,” Ashton muttered, and Calum stifled a laugh.

**

It turned out that James was kind of great. There was one point where Calum almost wished he was gay, because he had a hypnotic laugh and a nice smile, and for the first time in a while, Calum was enjoying himself.

He’d stopped somewhere at his fourth beer, knowing that needing to crash on Ashton’s couch meant having to listen to Michael having an orgasm, probably. Plus, it seemed fitting to go home alone on Christmas.

But the food was great, and the conversation even better and Calum was intrigued to find that James was a musician. Well, on the weekends, anyway.

He was a graphic designer for the same company Michael worked with, but played a few shows around Sydney on Friday and Saturday nights. He sang and wrote his own songs, and played the guitar, and by the end of dinner he had James’ number and was extended an offer to _jam_ sometime.

It was sometime around one am that Michael turned the radio on, and started serenading them with songs from the graveyard Christmas shift of 2Day FM. It was a laugh, and Calum couldn’t help the warmth flooding through him at Michael’s wide smile and undeniable happiness.

For once, he wasn’t jealous, he was just overjoyed and happy for his friend.

Until a song came on that broke his heart.

They’d been laughing about Michael’s rendition of a Gloria Estefan track that was sung so badly out of tune it was hilarious. He danced and almost gave Ashton a lap dance, but it was all in jest so James and Calum couldn’t help but laugh until they snorted.

The song tapered out before the DJ was announcing a slower songand then Calum’s breath got caught in his throat at the opening chords of _Wherever You Are_.

Ashton seemed to catch on at the same moment, and his expression slipped quickly.

Calum’s heart pounded and he felt sick, and the tears rushed their way down his cheeks when the first line was sung, and he was blind sighted by Luke’s words coming out of the stereo speakers. The words that had been written for him, about him, and Calum couldn’t handle it.

“Cal-“

He stood quickly and headed toward the patio door, heading inside quickly and away from the three other people around the outdoor table.

He shut himself in the bathroom and hyperventilated as the words etched themselves into the fabric of who he was. They were there forever, stowed away until the song came on the radio and Calum was reduced to nothing, once again.

It was _Luke_ , and each word reminded Calum of their break up – both of them. He sat down heavily on the closed toilet lid and let out a sob.

Hearing the song, after a few beers and a few laughs, just dragged him back down to rock bottom, and the pain of leaving Luke was fresh again.

A knock sounded.

“Cal?”

“Please Ash,” he begged softly. “Just give me a minute.”

“Alright,” Ashton agreed. “But I’m going to sit out here, just in case.”

Calum let out a stuttered sob, pressing his fingers against his mouth to keep the sound in. He’d started so many emails, had almost pressed send on so many calls. His heart yearned for Luke, but he’d been so sure he was doing the right thing – keeping Luke from further heartbreak – by staying away.

He didn’t deserve forgiveness, but he wanted it.

“It’s time, Cal.”

Calum sniffed, pulling off a few squares of toilet paper to press against his cheeks. “Time for what?”

Ashton turned the knob and let the door swing open, so Calum could see him sitting cross-legged on the floor. “Time to get your shit together and fix things with Luke.”

Calum sniffed, shredding the paper in his hands for a long moment. “Why would he listen after all this time? I walked away without a fight. I’m the demo, Ash. I’m _If You Don’t_ Know and he thinks I don’t love him, so I let him go.”

“Exactly, Cal. That’s what he knows because you’re not telling him otherwise. You’ve had four months to beat yourself up over it, and it’s time you let Luke know that he needs to stop blaming himself too.”

“He’s blaming himself?” Calum whispered.

Ashton grimaced.

“I know,” Cal sighed. “You don’t want to get in the middle.”

“He’s not doing great, I’ll say that much.”

Calum nodded, feeling his bottom lip quiver. “Shit,” he whispered. “It’s so fucking selfish, isn’t it? The _poor me_ routine?  It never occurred to me that he’d be going through the same thing.”

“Now you know,” Ashton said gently. “Now you fix it.”

It seemed so simple, but Calum knew that if there was ever a chance to fix things with Luke, it wouldn’t be easy.

**

“I thought you fixing things with Luke would look a little different.”

Calum frowned, his head hanging off the edge of his couch as he regarded Michael. “Why are you in my house?”

Michael smiled, gesturing over his head at Ashton who was entering the small apartment, grocery bags in hand.

“Why is Ashton in my house?”

“Because you’re wallowing, and while I would generally leave you alone, you’ve wallowed for four months already,” Ashton called as he bypassed the couch to head toward the kitchen. “And your mum said you knocked back lasagne Friday!”

Calum groaned, pressing the TV remote against his forehead as he tried to think. He’d lost track of the days last week, finding that the school holidays had fit right into his plans of doing nothing for six weeks and moping about his failed relationship.

But he didn’t want his _friends_ to identify the pathetic behaviour, because that made it _real_.

“Move,” Michael insisted, kicking at Calum’s feet.

Calum wanted to bitch at him and tell him where to go, but he realized that in the six years he’d lived at his last place, Michael had only visited once. The fact he was out of the house, and visiting somewhere new, was not to be taken lightly.

“So, you’ve called Luke, yeah?” Michael prodded, kicking off his thongs so he could dig his toes into Calum’s side. “When’s the wedding?”

Calum sighed and muted the _Home & Away _reruns he’d been watching for the last few hours. “There’s no wedding, Michael,” he said stiffly.

“You’re weak,” Michael pointed out.

“Mikey, we said we’d be supportive,” Ashton criticized as he appeared from the kitchen, handing Calum a Corona, and Michael a glass of juice.

Calum didn’t know he _had_ juice.

“Supportive to a point,” Michael amended, as Ashton took his seat. “Do you realize how selfish he is?” he demanded. “I have _you_ now.”

Calum snorted.

Michael turned his attention back to Calum. “You’re a jerk,” he said matter-of-factly, sipping his juice. “I’m in love, and you’re in love and instead of double dating, Ashton and I are existing without you. You’re weak.”

“Thanks,” Calum sighed moodily.

“Mikey,” Ashton cautioned again. “Firstly – thanks, I love you too.”

Michael grinned.

“Second,” Ashton continued, looking at Calum. “You had your moment, Cal. Your _get your shit together_ moment, and instead of calling Luke, you’ve laid on the couch for a week.”

“He’s coming back to Sydney,” Michael blurted quickly.

“What?” Calum demanded, lifting his head off of the couch armrest. “He’s coming back? When? Why?”

“Jesus Michael,” Ashton groaned.

“I’m a fucking sieve!” Michael cried, crossing his arms over his chest and pressed his lips shut.

But Calum was immune to the conversation, his heart racing at the idea of Luke being back in Sydney.

“When?” he pressed, looking between his friends. “Why? I mean, for me?”

“No,” Ashton said delicately. “For work, but I mean…you could see him?”

Calum was slightly deflated at the news that Luke wasn’t coming back for him, but he had to see this as a golden opportunity – his _only_ opportunity.

“When?”

Ashton looked uneasy, and heaved a sigh. “Saturday. As far as I know, he’s staying with his parents again.”

Calum nodded, running a hand through his messy hair, that he hadn’t been bothered to brush over the past week. All he was doing was quick 7/11 runs for beer and chips, and would occasionally extend his stop to Blockbuster.

No one but the teenaged kid behind the counter needed to know he was renting horrible, dramatic movies about lost love. And if the kid guessed he was buying ice cream at 7/11 and crying into the carton, he wouldn’t be too far from the truth.

“Calum,” Michael said, interrupting his thoughts. “Will you _finally_ get up off your couch now? You’re as bad as I was.”

Calum took the insult on the chin, unable to find fault with the comparison once he saw Michael’s proud, radiant smile. He really had come leaps and bounds, and Calum knew that one day, he’d have to thank Ashton for breathing life back into his best friend.

“What are you going to do?”

Calum looked over at Michael, his shoulders slumping. “I don’t know. Jesus, Luke wrote _songs_ about me. What the hell can I do that compares to that?”

“You can write!” Ashton told him. “Write him a song too.”

“I can’t,” Calum sighed, tugging at his hair gently in frustration. “I just…he’s going to slam the door in my face, and I completely deserve it.”

“You do,” Michael agreed, laying his arm over Calum’s shoulders. “But it’s _Luke_ , and for some reason, he loves you.”

“He still loves me?” Calum asked hopefully.

Ashton reached over to plant his hand over Michael’s mouth. “That’s not a question _either of us_ are going to answer. Right, Michael?”

Michael raised his brows and licked Ashton’s palm in retaliation.

Calum tuned them out as he realized he only had two days to figure out how to win Luke back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh I hate knowing that this is nearing the end :( I have loved this so much I can't explain! 
> 
> Poor Calum is wallowing and beating himself up and is unable to really see past his own hurt. That's where Ashton and Michael come in to show him the error of his ways! Tell me...what are your theories on how Calum will try to win Luke back?
> 
> Special thanks to puppies, reader000, Ishi, Rux, whateverhemmo, aalexandravictoriaa, halfhuman2214, fivesecondsofslash, calum_xxx_hood, awfuldaycupcake, catchinglightning, forest_of_flowers & lxcifxrhemmo for their comments, and thanks to everyone sticking with this story and faithfully reading each update, it means the world!
> 
> Until next time!
> 
> xoxo  
> Jenna


	15. With Me Tonight

With the realization that he had no ability to write a love song, or put together any sort of grand gesture, the clouds above Sydney turned dark, and unleashed a storm from the very furthest depths of hell.

Calum was used to summer storms – it was why the weather was always so brutally hot – and had learned to live with it. But he’d been without power for almost six hours, and the idea of having to go home to his parent’s house wasn’t ideal.

He brooded in the dark, scrunching up page after page of lacklustre lyrics that weren’t worthy enough to give to Luke. The man was a _music producer_ , and a damn good one at that. He was a songwriter, guitarist _and_ singer, and there was nothing Calum could put on a page that would mean much of anything to someone like Luke.

The feelings were there, but they were dull and seemed to make light of the situation. There was just no way _I have missed you like the sun misses the moon_ would ever fly, and Calum didn’t want to use such a pedestrian sentence to express his feelings.

Luke had landed earlier that morning, and Michael had texted him almost immediately after Ashton left to pick him up at the airport. He’d also insisted Calum show up at the Hemmings’ house, to wait for Luke on the front stoop.

But that seemed too weird; especially considering Luke would be jetlagged and exhausted. Michael had called him a pussy, and had hung up.

Instead of the insult inspiring something amazing, Calum had cracked open a beer and wallowed some more. He tried to pinpoint the moment when he stuffed things up with Luke, and the realization that he was a coward was a tough pill to swallow.

Why would Luke hear him out? Why would he give Calum another chance?

His phone started to ring, and he knew it was Michael by the All Time Low ringtone. He entertained the idea of not answering, but Michael had a habit of calling until he did, and he really didn’t care to listen to the same ten seconds of _Weightless_ all afternoon.

He snatched up his phone and answered.

“Yeah?” he asked dully.

“Okay, so _pussy_ may have been a little mean,” Michael conceded. “But seriously, dude. I called you _hours_ ago, and you haven’t gone and seen him. What gives?”

Calum sighed dramatically, the rumbling of thunder in the distance matching his mood perfectly. “All I do is break his heart.”

“Oh _please_ ,” Michael groaned. “I am so sick and tired of your emotional abuse towards yourself. Do you realize what I’m saying? That _me_ , the motherfucking _king_ of self-loathing is telling _you_ that you’re overdoing it.”

Calum sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Michael, this really isn’t helping.”

“Well what will?” Michael asked, raising his voice. “Jesus Christ, Calum. I love you – you know I do – but I’m reaching the end of my rope here. Luke could’ve said no to this business trip, okay? You _know_ that. But he didn’t and he’s here, and you won’t get another chance. This is _twice_ now that he’s shown up in Sydney, and if you let him go again, you will lose him forever.”

Calum swallowed thickly, feeling the emotion threaten to choke him. He didn’t want to face it, that the fact that this was _it_ , just as Michael had said.

“Fucking _do_ something Calum, or let him _go_.”

Calum wasn’t ready to let him go.

**

The sky had opened up and unleashed hell again, just as Calum was climbing into his car. The rain had slammed down against his windshield so hard he was slightly concerned it would break. The sky rumbled, the lightning flashed and despite almost aqua plaining _twice_ , he’d turned down Luke’s street safely, with his car intact.

Getting _out_ of the car was the biggest obstacle, the rain coming down so fast and strong he could barely make out the front door.

Luke was _inside_ , the closest he’d been in four months, and Calum was stuck.

Ashton had called not long before he left, needing an explanation as to why Michael was storming around their house calling Calum every name under the sun, without offering an explanation as to _why_. So Calum had filled him in – and Ashton had more or less agreed with his boyfriend – and then insisted he get off the phone so he could make the grand gesture Michael was so insistent he make.

Ashton wished him luck, and told him that he’d dropped Luke off a few hours earlier.

But Calum was stuck staring at the two-storey house through the rain, feeling his heart clench so tightly in his chest he anticipated a heart attack. The numbness in his left arm never came, and he knew that he had to get out of the car – he _had_ to.

So he did.

He was saturated before he reached the porch, his shoes squeaking over the welcome mat as he stopped, two hands braced on the doorframe as he sucked in a breath or two to calm the frantic beat of his heart.

He knocked before he could second guess himself, and felt like he could throw up. He looked down at the welcome mat, at the warm cursive print he’d looked at countless times in his life.

He could only hope Luke’s heart had a welcome mat.

The rain was so heavy and loud that he didn’t hear the front door open until he saw bare toes, and it wasn’t until he scanned up two skinny legs to a skinny waist and broad shoulders, did he realize it was Luke.

His arms were crossed over his chest, and his face was emotionless.

“You didn’t call.”

Calum’s eyes met his, and all he could manage was a tiny, broken smile. “Better late than never?”

Luke stepped forward onto the welcome mat, dragging Calum in by his shoulders, wrapping his arms tight around him.

Calum was shocked – his movements slowed as his arms moved around Luke’s narrow waist, his nose pressing against his neck.

“You’re an asshole,” Luke mumbled softly.

“Luke,” Calum said, hands resting on his hips and tried to push him away. “Don’t, okay? Don’t forgive me.”

“I don’t,” Luke mumbled. “But I’ve been thinking about touching you for four months, so just stand here and hold me.”

Calum curled his arms back around Luke, his wet clothes dampening Luke’s. He pressed his palms to his back, drinking in everything he loved about the other man.

He was soft and sleepy, his hair messed up and the grey sweater he wore was cuddly and warm. He was everything Calum had missed over the past four months, and everything Calum had walked away from.

“Come inside,” Luke mumbled, stepping back to take Calum’s hand, tugging him toward the open door.

Calum quickly toed off his soaked sneakers, almost tripping over the threshold as he stumbled into the warmth of the Hemmings’ house.

“Mum’s home, so…my room?”

Calum nodded dumbly, Luke’s palm warm in his. He couldn’t quite believe the reaction he got, and he was fearfully hopeful that the Gods were looking down on him and would somehow make the difficult conversation they had to have, somewhat easy.

Luke didn’t speak until they were in his bedroom and the door was shut, and he promptly burst into tears.

Calum’s mouth dropped open in shock, feeling ineffectual as Luke sat down cross-legged on his bed, his hands covering his face as he sobbed.

“S-shut up,” he hiccupped from behind his hands. “Don’t say anything, because there’s nothing you can say to fix it.”

The sound of Luke crying stirred something inside of him, and he quickly approached him, dropping down onto his knees and peeled Luke’s hands away from his face, cupping his jaw in both hands so his eyes could meet the blue ones he’d fiercely missed.

“Cal,” Luke hiccupped.

“I did this,” Calum whispered softly, his words shaking. “I hurt you and I’m shit but I didn’t do it because I don’t love you.”

Luke nodded quickly, a few more tears falling down his cheeks.

“My ego got in the way and I panicked because you were _so_ LA, Luke. You fit in there, and you had built this life for yourself and I was _so_ proud of you. You took those eight years and you made something out of them, and I didn’t. I settled for her and for the idea of marriage because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do.”

“Stop,” Luke whispered softly, his hands curling around Calum’s wrists. “I don’t want you to talk.”

“I have to,” Calum insisted softly. “I owe you this, and so much more, Luke. I let us breaking up the first time force me into mediocrity, because without you, that’s what life was. Mediocre. You were the spark and you were gone so I did my best. But then you came _back_ , and seeing you on my doorstep reignited the spark, but I let you set me on fire.”

Luke shook his head, tightening his hold on Calum’s wrists. “Stop,” he begged. “Don’t you think I _know_ all of this, Cal? Do you think that eight years erased my ability to know you as well as I do? I’m upset because you didn’t trust me or believe in me enough to help you.”

Calum could feel the warm tears on his cheeks, intermixing with the raindrops. His heart was aching to see the emotion on Luke’s face, and he wanted nothing more than to stop it.

“You treated me like I meant nothing to you, and so I kicked you out. I was terrified that if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to recover.”

“Luke,” Calum whispered, his bottom lip trembling. “I’m so _sorry_ , and I know it’s not enough and I know I’m four months too late, but there’s something here.”

“I know there is,” Luke whispered. “Why the hell do you think I’m back? Why the hell do you think I’ve fast tracked the expansion of Hi or Hey internationally? The company isn’t ready, the label isn’t ready, but I couldn’t sit there in LA another minute waiting for you.”

Calum felt nauseous, the guilt and fear so palpable that he didn’t think he deserved Luke. He didn’t deserve a third chance, and he wanted to insist that Luke not give him one.

“So tell me I didn’t waste four months waiting, Cal.”

Calum sniffed, passing his thumbs over Luke’s cheek to collect his tears. “I’m sorry I didn’t come back for you,” he whispered. “If I thought you’d listen, I would’ve tried. I tried to try,” he sighed. “I wrote so many emails and almost made so many calls. I was just so busy punishing myself for hurting you again.”

Luke sniffed. “So tell me I didn’t waste my time.”

“You didn’t,” Calum said quickly, softly, sniffing loudly in the quiet moment. “Because I spent four months being so in love with you and terrified that I’d missed my chance.”

Luke managed a tearful smile, biting at his lip ring. “I drove Ashton nuts crying about you.”

Calum let out a soft laugh. “He didn’t let on, he’s a good friend.”

“And Michael moved in, hey? That was out of left field.”

“I know,” Calum grinned. “He’s doing great, you’d be proud.”

Luke smiled, sniffing loudly as his bottom lip trembled. “I can’t do this again, Cal.”

“I know,” Calum whispered, leaning in to kiss Luke’s cheek.

“So whether I’m here, or if I need to go back to LA, I need you with me.”

“I am, I’m with you,” Calum promised.

“Because Michael said you didn’t deserve a third chance,” Luke revealed. “As harsh as it is, he’s partly right. I’m the one with my neck out here, and if you cut my head off a third time, I won’t recover.”

Calum was slightly miffed at Michael’s opinion, but figured that out of everyone he knew, Michael was honest, and that was seemingly what Luke had needed.

“I will make it up to you.”

“I don’t need you too,” Luke told him softly. “I just need you to promise me you won’t do it again.”

“I promise,” Calum whispered. “I am here, and with you and we’ll get married and build our life together.”

“If that is a proposal, the answer is no.”

Calum laughed softly, sniffing as a chill passed over him. “I’ll work on it.”

Luke pulled back to reach up and run his fingers through Calum’s wet hair, noticing as he shivered. “Jesus, get out of those wet clothes,” he insisted, reaching down to tug Calum’s wet shirt up.

Calum raised his arms and let Luke pull his shirt off, his skin prickling as it made contact with the cool air.

“Here,” Luke murmured, getting up off his bed to go to his dresser, and retrieved a pair of grey sweatpants and a t-shirt. “Change.”

Calum stood and stripped off his socks and skinny jeans, taking the warm, dry clothes.

“How are you for boxers?”

“I’m good,” Calum nodded, the grey fabric of his boxer briefs mostly dry.  He dressed quickly, smiling fondly as he pulled on a t-shirt that had originally been his. “So you stole my Blink shirt?”

“Me?” Luke scoffed, rolling his eyes as he sat down on his bed. “That’s _my_ Blink shirt. Yours self-destructed after Soundwave in 2013.”

“No way,” Calum insisted, crawling onto the bed beside Luke. “You lost yours and I leant you this one. And you kept it, you thief.”

Luke grinned, flopping back down on the mattress, and tugged Calum with him. “Oh well, at least you know it was well looked after.”

“Yeah,” Calum griped. “I could’ve taken care of it just as good.”

Luke rolled onto his side, curling against Calum. “I missed you.”

Calum fit his arm around Luke’s shoulders and rubbed his back gently. “Missed you too. Drank a lot of beer and watched a lot of daytime TV.”

“Oh, you moped?” Luke teased. “I took a week off work and gained four pounds.”

“ _Pounds_?” Calum scoffed. “You do know you’re Australian, right?”

“Hey, I defected for eight years! I supposed you’d be horrified to know I say _cell phone_ , too?”

Calum snorted. “Damn straight! You really need to move home, you’re basically an American.”

Luke smiled. “And where would I stay, hm?”

Calum kissed his temple. “I know a place.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the Cake reconciliation is everything you guys hoped for! I know there's no fancy song or olive branch, I just wanted to paint a different picture. Luke knows Calum enough to not need a grand gesture. He just needed him to show up. 
> 
> So, who thinks Luke should've give Calum another chance? What are your thoughts for the future of Cake?
> 
> Special thanks to Sohomotho, thewintersoldier, awfuldaycupcake, Ishi, calum_xxx_hood, reader000, fivesecondsofslash, halfhuman2214, Shiva, fuckmehoodings, aalexandravictoriaa, catchinglightning, LiveLife_ShipCake & the lovely Stella for their awesome comments, and thanks to everyone who has read or subscribed, it means a lot!
> 
> Are any of you going to ROWYSO? I'm going on Tuesday night, can't wait!
> 
> Until next time!
> 
> xoxo  
> Jenna


	16. I Caught Fire

“Luke! Your _date_ is here!”

Calum narrowed his eyes at Jack Hemmings, and was tempted to land a light punch on his jaw. He looked positively _smug_ , leaning against the doorframe and watching Calum with amusement as he tugged on his tie and shifted his weight from his left to right foot.

“Nervous, buddy?” Jack grinned.

“Fuck you, Hemmings,” Calum shot back.

Jack laughed, shaking his head as something – _someone –_ thundered down the stairs and skidded into view.

And Calum’s heart stopped beating.

Luke was wearing black skinny jeans and a white button down shirt, open at the neck. His hair was styled into its signature quiff, and there was an adorable smile on his face, making his dimple shine.

“Hey,” he greeted breathlessly.

“Hi,” Calum smiled, feeling his cheeks heat up.

“Just kiss already,” Jack scoffed.

“You don’t even live here,” Luke demanded, rolling his eyes and shoved at his brother’s shoulder, and walked past him and out onto the porch.

“Hey,” Calum said again, reaching for his hand.

“Hey,” Luke smiled, his cheeks pink.

Jack muttered something under his breath and pushed the door shut, severing the second-hand embarrassment, not that either of the men were paying much attention to him.

“You look incredible,” Calum breathed softly. “Like, seriously, Luke.”

Luke laughed, reaching up to tug at Calum’s skinny black tie. “Not so bad yourself.”

He’d paired the tie with a grey button down shirt and skinny jeans, and felt a perfect mix of relaxed and dressed up.

“Shall we go?”

Luke nodded. “But go _where_ , exactly? Your text this morning was cryptic.”

Calum grinned, lacing their fingers together as he led Luke towards his car in the driveway. He’d been back three days, and had made an unconscious decision to take things _slow_. And Calum liked slow. He liked not jumping into bed with Luke and muddying the waters. If they were going to do this, he wanted to do it right.

They’d only exchanged the softest of chaste kisses, and though Calum was _dying_ to grab Luke and kiss him how he wanted to kiss him, he was refraining. They were starting over, and he wasn’t willing to mess that up.

“We’re going to dinner,” Calum explained. “And then I want to take you somewhere special after.”

“Ohh,” Luke grinned. “Let me guess, we’re going clubbing?”

Calum scoffed, unlocking his car and pulled open the door for Luke. “No! Need I remind you I’m going to be _thirty_ in twelve short days? We’re too old for clubbing.”

Luke laughed, pausing before climbing into the car to press a quick kiss to Calum’s lips. “Sure, whatever you say, baby.”

Calum smiled, his cheeks warming at the mention of the pet name. He felt giddy as he shut Luke’s door and made his way to the driver’s side and climbed in.

“So, I was thinking,” Luke started, as Calum backed out of the driveway.

“You were?” Calum asked, raising a brow as he eased down the street. “Was it painful?”

Luke made a face and punched Calum’s thigh. “Ha, ha, make fun of me why don’t you.”

Calum grinned.

“Anyway,” Luke sighed. “I was thinking I could come and see your place, after the _surprise_? I know you said it’s mostly just boxes, but, I thought it might be nice to see where you live.”

Calum grinned, looking over at Luke for a moment before looking back at the road. “Sure, you want to see where I live,” he said suggestively. “Are you sure you don’t want to see where I _sleep_ , hm?”

“Well,” Luke started diplomatically. “It makes sense, because that’s where I hope to be sleeping tonight.”

“Sleeping?” Calum clarified.

“Yes, _sleeping_ ,” Luke said, rolling his eyes. “I don’t put out on the first date, Hood.”

Calum laughed. “You technically did, when we got together.”

“Yeah, but there was like, four years of foreplay before that night, can you blame me?”

Calum reached over and laced their fingers together, squeezing Luke’s hand warmly.

**

“We’re going _parking_?!”

Calum rolled his eyes, his hands sliding easily on the steering wheel as they slowly wound their way through the back streets of Sydney, darkness surrounding them as he drove them to a place they both knew well.

“You _are_ taking me parking!” Luke crowed, jumping excitedly in his seat and smacked Calum’s shoulder.

“Jesus,” Calum griped. “I _will_ turn this car around.”

Luke rolled his eyes. “Yeah, okay _dad_.”

Calum smirked, his eyes on the road as he took a sharp left down a narrow street that opened up into a gravel carpark in the shadow of Luna Park. There were a few cars parked closer to the theme park, so Calum turned right and parked half-underneath a tree, a perfect view of the harbour in front of them.

“Calum,” Luke laughed, unclipping his seatbelt to lean his head out the window. “Shit, you can see the bridge.”

Calum eased the car into park, and tugged on the handbrake, killing the engine so the only thing playing was the radio. “I always liked it better up this end.”

Luke rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I know. But they’ve cut back a few trees since I was here last.”

Calum smiled, watching as Luke ducked back into the car, his cheeks pink. They’d enjoyed a quiet meal at one of Luke’s favourite restaurants, that had ended with Baskin Robbins and a leisurely drive to Luna Park.

Calum had refrained from pinching himself a thousand times as he’d sat across from Luke as they both sipped from wine glasses and talked about music and how the end of the school year had gone, and what the new year would hold.

They’d held hands and talked about Hi or Hey, and if Luke thought expanding internationally was the right move or not. Calum couldn’t image what it would mean if Luke was back in Sydney, permanently. What it would mean for _them_ , considering they hadn’t really talked much about the future.

“Luke?”

“Yeah?” he asked, a soft smile on his face.

Calum reached over and took his hand, running his thumb along the back of it gently. “Why aren’t you mad at me? Why did you give me another chance?”

Luke looked out of the windscreen, letting out a soft sigh. “I don’t know, Cal. I wanted to be mad, and I think I was, up until I saw you on the porch. And then I remembered how much I love you, and it seemed to override everything else.”

Calum squeezed his hand, pressing his lips together tightly. “But…I don’t get it,” he mumbled. “If I was you, I would’ve been done.”

“Do you want me to be done?” Luke asked, his blue eyes on Calum’s.

“No,” Calum said quickly. “Of course not. I just don’t think I deserve your forgiveness. At least, not this soon.”

“When we fought, back in LA; it broke my heart. To kick you out and say enough was enough was hard, but it was harder to come home and realized you’d left. I _know_ that I sent the car service, and I know what I said. But…I came home to an empty apartment.”

Calum felt the pain all over again. At how his heart had crumbled at the knock on the door, and when some stranger told him Luke had sent them. It was like taking a bullet to his chest, and he’d contemplated staying; fighting for Luke, fighting for _them_.

But he’d been weak.

“But I know why you left,” Luke continued softly, clasping Calum’s hand tightly in his. “I didn’t know at the time – I wanted to hate you. But once that went away, I knew. But I couldn’t call you, I couldn’t reach out in case I was wrong.”

“You weren’t,” Calum said quickly. “I didn’t put enough faith in you, in us. I fell apart and instead of leaning on you, I shut down. I _bailed_ on you and it was such a mistake.”

“Cal,” Luke said softly, leaning forward to cup his jaw. “When we broke up when we were 21, I never got my heart back from you,” he explained. “I left it here, and it’s been with you all this time. Sure, you’ve dented it and broken it in places and it’s not how it used to be, but it’s still here, with you. If I thought you’d given it back, I wouldn’t have come home.”

“How is it that you know me better than I do? How is it that dorky Luke Hemmings is this amazing, sensitive prophet who somehow picked the biggest idiot on earth?”

Luke smiled. “I grew up a lot in eight years.”

“And I didn’t,” Calum smiled. “Are you sure about me, Luke? I can’t promise I’m not going to stuff up again.”

Luke leant over and kissed him softly, fingers sliding against his jaw gently. “Shut up, Cal. I’m a grown up, and I can make my own decisions and I’ve picked _you_.”

Calum nodded, leaning their foreheads together. “I may need you to remind me from time to time.”

Luke smiled. “As long as you remind me why.”

Calum kissed him again softly, mindful of taking things slow. They’d spent a lot of years parking, fumbling in the backseat and Calum had found more than one or two used condoms when it came to cleaning out his car.

“We can’t park,” Luke mumbled, pulling back. “We’re grown ups, and grown ups don’t park.”

Calum laughed softly. “Well, we can’t park from the front seat.”

Luke smirked. “I’m not getting in the backseat with you, Hood.”

“You wound me!” Calum pouted, pressing his hand over his heart.

Luke bit at his lip ring, and leant over Calum. “So, does these new Aussie cars still have the seat release lever?”

“What?” Calum asked, a frown settling on his features.

“Remember your Corolla?” Luke asked, his voice muffled from where he was leaning.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Luke was quiet, running his hand alongside the driver’s seat, and found a lever. “I think – hang on.” He tugged it and the seat slid back.

“Woah!” Calum squeaked, letting out a soft laugh. “Well aren’t you smart?”

Luke grinned as he sat back in his seat. “It’s one of my many endearing qualities.”

“Oh is it?” Calum hummed. “So what – do tell – was the point of that?”

Luke smirked, reaching over to brace himself against Calum’s seat, and slowly lifted himself over, settling in Calum’s lap, his knees framing tight against Calum’s hips.

“Oh,” Calum said softly, his hands hanging frozen in the air, unsure if his hands on Luke’s thighs was all that _slow_.

“Hang on,” Luke murmured, leaning close as his left hand groped down the side of Calum’s seat. At the base he found a wheel, and turned it slowly, lowering the seat back. “There.”

“Oh,” Calum said again, his mouth going dry.

“Is this too much?” Luke asked softly, tugging his lip ring into his mouth. “I’m sorry, shit, this is – yeah, too much.”

“No hey, Luke,” Calum said, reaching out to latch onto Luke’s wrists, keeping him there. “It’s fine, come back.”

Luke nibbled on his lip ring for an extra three seconds before settling again, his long legs folded easily, his hands on the seat beside Calum’s head.

“Hi,” Calum murmured softly, his hands dropping to Luke’s waist.

“Hey,” he whispered back, the car dark, save for the moonlight. “Definitely easier than the Corolla.”

Calum smiled, nudging his nose against Luke’s. His eyes eagerly drank in Luke’s features; his bright blue eyes and a few age lines around his eyes. He looked happy and rested, but there was uncertainty in his eyes.

“So, I might kiss you,” Luke whispered softly, his eyes searching Calum’s face.

“You sure?” Calum asked, and the question was meant to be playful, but it came out breathy and uncertain.

Luke cupped his cheek gently, eyes on the other man. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

Calum nodded, turning his head to kiss Luke’s palm.

Luke leaned in, their noses nudging together as their lips met in a chaste kiss. It was the simple brushing of their mouths, Calum’s hand coming up to cup his jaw gently, tipped his chin down so he could take it deeper.

Luke let out a soft sound as their lips parted, and Calum’s tongue was the first to press against Luke’s bottom lip, and they fell slowly into a lazy, heated kiss that had Calum’s heart thudding loudly in his chest.

It made his fingers tingle and caused his stomach to bottom out, and Calum felt breathless already. Things hadn’t been like this in LA. They had jumped headfirst into desperation and passion and didn’t take time to slow things down.

Calum knew they wouldn’t make that mistake again.

“Cal,” Luke whispered, pulling back to suck in a breath. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” Calum whispered, kissing Luke’s lip ring and down his jaw, dragging his lips down his throat slowly.

Luke whimpered, one hand grabbing onto Calum’s shoulder, twisting the fabric of his shirt between his fingers.

Calum’s hands drifted down to run along Luke’s thighs, hooking his hands around his bent knees to pull him closer.

Luke let out a soft sound, sliding tight against Calum’s lap as his mouth eagerly sought out another kiss.

 _Slow_ seemed like a million light years away as Calum’s tongue pressed against Luke’s, his chest catching as Luke moaned.

“Wait,” Calum panted, squeezing Luke’s hips. “I thought we weren’t going to park.”

Luke laughed breathlessly, running a hand through his quiff. “I’m not going to let you fuck me on the front seat,” he said crudely. “Making out doesn’t have to lead to sex, Calum.”

Calum rolled his eyes, digging his fingers into Luke’s hips again. “I just don’t want to move too fast.”

Luke smiled, sitting up a little straighter. “You do realize this is probably the most adult thing we’ve done over the last six months.”

“Oh, you mean sleeping together while I was still engaged wasn’t adult?” Calum asked sarcastically.

Luke swatted at his chest. “It was adult _ery_ ,” he amended.

Calum laughed, relaxing back into his seat, in its reclined position. “So are we really deciding not to sleep together just yet?”

Luke slid back on his thighs a little, hands settling on his hips. “I think we might be. Is that weird?”

“Maybe? A little?” Calum shrugged. “But considering how quick we were to sleep together before, maybe it’s smarter to hold off, for now? Didn’t work out so well.”

Luke nodded. “Okay, then yeah. We’re just not going to have sex, that’s all.”

“Exactly,” Calum agreed. “We’ll be smart and take it slow. Date a little.”

Luke smiled. “ _Double_ date. That’s all Michael would say when we talked. About how selfish we were being now that he was with Ashton.”

Calum snorted. “Tell me about it. So hey, does this no-sex thing mean we shouldn’t have sleepovers?”

Luke shook his head. “If I’m not getting laid, I’m getting sleepovers.”

Calum grinned. “Fair enough. So, what about like, extended sleepovers?”

Luke raised a brow. “Please explain?”

“Well,” Calum began, squeezing Luke’s knees. “Like, if your stuff was at my place and you sleep there, and go to work from my place. Toothbrush next to mine kinda deal.”

“You’re talking about moving in,” Luke pointed out with a smile. “You can call it _extended sleepovers_ but I’m on to you.”

“Okay, busted,” Calum grinned. “But since you bought it up, thoughts?”

Luke pursed his lips together, considering the idea. “I don’t know. Living together in LA didn’t work.”

“Well, what’s your work schedule like?”

Luke sighed. “It’s fairly lax. I’ve organized some studio space in the city starting in a week or so, then I’m going to get in touch with a commercial realtor to find some space for the expansion. I’m going to make some time to meet with some Aussie bands, too.”

“So, you’ll be busy,” Calum smiled. “Look, there’s no pressure. If you crash at my place, that’s great, but if you end up at home, then that’s cool too.”

Luke smiled. “Look at us, Cal. We’re being _adult_.”

“It’s fucking terrifying,” Calum grinned. “But I like it.”

Luke smiled, leaning down to kiss Calum gently. “How about I move some of my stuff in, and we take it as it comes? I don’t have much planned for this week, and if you’re not working, you could help me with some stuff?”

“Alright,” Calum agreed, cupping Luke’s jaw. “I’d love to see what the Sydney music scene has to offer to you, Mister Big Shot Producer.”

Luke rolled his eyes. “How about you lend your ear and help me with the logistical side of setting up my business and I’ll let you keep calling me that.”

“Oh come on, doesn’t it get your motor running?” Calum teased. “You’re the big executive, I’m the lowly PE teacher…it’s the base storyline for a shitty porno.”

“Didn’t we just decide no sex?” Luke scolded. “And since when was being a teacher _lowly_. You’re shaping the youth of today. That’s more important than a lot of things.”

Calum ran his knuckles over Luke’s jaw. “I guess. I just wish I’d done more.”

“You’re not in the grave yet,” Luke said softly, reaching up to tame a dark strand of Calum’s hair. “You could do some study, or shift your focus completely. I may need a studio manager or bass technician.”

Calum snorted. “No offence, but I couldn’t work for you. I’m perfectly happy with helping out, but that’s your thing. You do it better, anyway.”

Luke smiled. “You can do anything you want to do, Cal. Even if it’s just furthering your skills as a teacher. I’d even love to see you writing music again. I’d love to write with you.”

“Like we used to?” Calum smiled. “We never got around to it in LA.”

“Fuck LA,” Luke smiled. “LA sucked. Let’s just do it now.”

“Alright,” Calum agreed. “I guess I can have a go, but you’ll need to be patient, I’m rusty.”

Luke kissed him softly. “Nothing would make me happier.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys, I am SO SORRY it's taken me this long to update! I had my ROWYSO concert last Tuesday and have spent most of my time recovering! For anyone who's been able to see 5SOS on this tour will know just how amazing they are, and I was totally blown away with how great they are live! Sometimes some bands don't really translate into being a fantastic live band, but 5SOS does! I was amazed with their harmonies, and their personalities and omg. I could go on and on!
> 
> Back to the task at hand...I LOVE this chapter. I loved writing it, and I love reading it! I think it's just nice, to see how far Calum and Luke have come since the start of this story. They're resisting temptation, because they know that jumping into things hasn't worked in the past, so they've really grown as people!
> 
> Special thanks to spunkykiddo, puppies, reader000, Ishi, calum_xxx_hood, fivesecondsofslash, aalexandravictoriaa, kararust, LiveLife_ShipCake, lxcifxrhemmo & Tiffany for their comments, and thanks to everyone who is reading/subscribing and leaving kudos! It's much appreciated!
> 
> Until next time!
> 
> xoxo  
> Jenna


	17. Noise & Kisses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dare I say it, but we are so close to the end of this story! :( I've had such fun posting it, and reading all your comments! But don't worry, I am writing a new Cake fic! I won't give any details, but it's working out really well and I love it!
> 
> Special thanks to puppies, Fuckmehoodings, aalexandravictoriaa, Ishi, reader000, LiveLife_ShipCake, calum_xxx_hood, fivesecondsofslash, forest_of_flowers & awfuldaycupcake for their comments, and thank you to everyone who is reading!
> 
> Until next time!
> 
> xoxo  
> Jenna

“Luke!”

The guilty party laughed, his fingernails dragging gently over the skin of Calum’s back, pressing him more firmly against the shelf they were currently standing in front of. Calum did all he could not to let out a tiny sound of want as Luke’s lips dragged along the slope of his neck, his fingernails digging in, just so.

It wasn’t Calum’s most ideal place to be felt up, considering they were in the middle of Coles at midday, crowded close together in front of the cereal display with Luke’s hands on him. And Calum knew that without a doubt, the awkward teenage part of Luke had disappeared long ago.

Calum was forever learning new things about grown up Luke.

Grown up Luke didn’t like the sugar drenched Frosty Flakes he used to consume almost obsessively when he was sixteen. No, he ate _muesli_.

It was the reason they’d gotten out of bed shortly before eleven, Luke demanding that if he was going to keep sleeping over without the promise of an orgasm, he damn well wanted his cereal.

Calum figured that ordering in night after night because they didn’t want to put on pants would have to end at some point, so he’d dragged himself out of bed and they got distracted more than once by each other’s mouths before they were piling into the car, and heading to their local Coles.

It was somewhat quiet for school holidays, and Calum was glad. It meant he didn’t have to be too careful when his hands groped over Luke’s ass, and slipped up underneath the hem of his old Nirvana shirt to grip his hips.

“Ooh, there it is. Grab the red Carman’s box please?”

Calum opened his eyes – not realising he’d closed them – and frowned at Luke. “What?”

Luke rolled his blue eyes. “The muesli,” he said, his hand giving Calum’s thigh a gentle swat.

Calum looked over his shoulder at the box to his left, and lazily picked it up, throwing it into the basket left discarded at their feet.

“They don’t have Carman’s in the US,” Luke said pointedly.

Calum smirked, his hands grabbing for Luke’s hips again to pull him in. “Well that’s the second thing the US doesn’t have.”

Luke smirked, lazily wrapping his arms around Calum’s neck. “And what’s the first?”

Calum leant in, nudging his nose against Luke’s. “Me,” he whispered softly against his lips, leaning in to seal their mouths in a soft kiss.

It was easy to get lost in it – they were still firmly ensconced in the _shiny and new_ part of their relationship, the part where it was lazy kisses and laughter and getting to know each other again. Calum was impressed that they’d lasted almost five days without throwing out their no-sex agreement, though it was getting harder and harder to resist.

“Luke,” Calum whispered, kissing over the stubble on his jaw. “We’re in _Coles_.”

Luke laughed softly, his hand sliding down Calum’s back and over his ass. “Is that a problem?”

Calum hummed softly. “Don’t really want to get hard in front of the cereal section in the supermarket my _mum_ shops in.”

“Calum?”

Calum stood up straighter at the sound of his name, lifting his head from Luke’s neck.

She was as beautiful as he remembered, a little weariness showing around her eyes. She wore her dark hair back in a ponytail, and her smile was warm and familiar.

“Hey,” he said softly, feeling Luke straighten beside him. “How are you?”

She hooked her basket over her wrist. “I’m okay. You?”

Calum nodded, feeling his cheeks heat up. “Alright.”

She smiled, and looked to Luke, who was shifting nervously beside Calum. “Hi, Luke.”

“Hey,” he said softly.

She looked back at Calum. “Glad you took my advice.”

Calum smiled. “It, uh. Didn’t work out as planned, but yeah.”

She smiled. “Can we…can we hug?”

He didn’t hesitate to lean forward to wrap her up, the familiar scent of her perfume reminding him of all the happy moments they’d had before the end of their relationship. She was tied to so many great things, things that Luke wasn’t there for, and had only heard about in stories.

“I miss you.”

He squeezed her gently and let her go. “I miss you too.”

“I might go get milk,” Luke said softly, picking up the basket. “You two catch up.”

Calum wanted to kiss him, to _thank_ him for getting it, and for giving them some privacy.

“It was really nice to see you, Luke,” she said softly. “Thanks for taking care of him.”

Luke’s cheeks coloured, and he rubbed Calum’s arm gently before disappearing.

Calum reached for her hand, lacing their fingers together. “How are you? Really?”

She smiled, squeezing his hand as they moved away from the cereal, and stopped in front of a display of Coke. “I’m alright,” she nodded. “My mother drove me crazy a few months ago so I moved out and I have a cute little apartment in Chiswick, and my office has moved into the city.”

“That’s great,” Calum smiled.

“How are _you_?” she asked, a knowing smile on her face. “You and Luke?”

He blushed, looking down at the linoleum floor for a moment. “I messed it up.”

“Oh yeah, looks like it,” she teased. “C’mon, people don’t grope in front of the cereal if they’re not in love.”

Calum’s cheeks still burned hot as he looked back up at her. “He’s only been back a week and a half,” he explained. “But I did follow him to LA, last year. And I messed things up and we broke up but now it’s good. It’s great.”

“Is he moving back?”

“Not sure,” Calum admitted. “At the moment, we’re just taking it day by day, but he’s going to expand his company eventually, and wants to start in Sydney.”

“I’m so happy for you, Cal,” she said softly, reaching up to cup his cheek. “And proud, too.”

He kissed her palm. “How about you? Fending the guys off with sticks?”

She laughed. “There are guys, but one I don’t want to fend off.”

Calum thought he’d feel jealous, that seeing her for the first time after calling off the wedding would be horribly awkward. But he still loved her, though that love had changed considerably. He wanted nothing but the best for her, and he knew that no matter what, he would always want to be in her life.

“I want you to have love,” he said softly. “I couldn’t give it to you, but you deserve it. And whoever this guy is, I know he’ll be great, that you’ll pick the right one.”

“Like you have,” she smiled. “I love seeing you so happy.”

“I’m so sorry,” he said gently, squeezing her hand. “For how it all happened, for my part in all of it.”

“Cal, the apologies don’t mean anything anymore,” she said softly. “I’m okay, and you’re okay. What happened to us was probably meant to happen. The pregnancy, the wedding…we weren’t ready for that, at least not with each other.”

“Can we please promise each other something?”

“What?” she smiled.

Calum returned the expression. “We’ll keep in touch? Catch up once in a while?”

“I’d love that,” she nodded. “My number is the same, call me any time.”

Calum pressed a kiss to her cheek, dragging her in for a hug. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Cal.”

Calum pulled back to see Luke ambling over, the basket overflowing with items. He waved him over, his arm fitting around his waist.

“I’ve got to go,” she smiled. “I’ve got a lunch date.”

Calum smiled. “Alright. It was so nice to see you.”

“You too,” she smiled warmly. “Both of you.”

Calum watched her turn and leave, a piece of his heart going with her. He wondered if he’d ever look at her again and not feel the crushing guilt. From cheating, ending their relationship and denying her of the wedding she’d always wanted.

“I love you, Calum Hood.”

Calum looked over at Luke, a frown on his face. “I love you too?”

Luke leant in and pressed a quick, hard kiss to his lips, lacing their fingers together. “You are wonderful and beautiful and sweet and it kind of makes me want to sleep with you.”

Calum laughed, his hand pressing against Luke’s chest. “You’re crazy.”

“I’m in love,” Luke amended, kissing him again. “Now can we please go home and take off our pants and watch the midday movie I taped from yesterday?”

“Ooh, what’s it about?” Calum asked, falling into step as they headed for the front of the store to pay for their items.

“You know, same old,” Luke said, flapping his hand. “Poor girl meets rich guy, love ensues, then she finds out he’s married with three kids and then kills him.”

“Oh yeah, that old thing,” Calum teased.

Luke laughed, grabbing a handful of Calum’s ass as they reached the registers.

**

Calum frowned at the piece of paper in his hand, and looked up at the wide reception area in front of him. He _had_ to be at the wrong place, but upon checking the address for the _third_ time, he realized he wasn’t.

And he realized why Luke had to go to his parents place to pick up a three-piece suit. 

And that he was terribly, horribly undressed in jeans and an Iron Maiden t-shirt that had a rip at the collar.

When Luke had flown out of bed that morning, swearing his head off about being late for his first day back at work, Calum had smirked and lounged in the messy sheets, thanking school holidays once again for his extended sleep ins and lazy decisions to eat toast in bed.

Luke wouldn’t leave without a kiss, and Calum’s promise to meet him for lunch. And Calum had been all for the idea, until he was standing in the lobby of the marble foyer, people in suits whizzing past him and talking animatedly into their mobile phones.

He was already ten minutes late, and he knew that a text or call would be coming from Luke at any moment, but Calum felt rooted to the spot. He was having the familiar feelings of inferiority, but he tried to push them away.

Luke had been back in Sydney for two weeks, and things were going great. Calum was enjoying his company, and was more than happy that Luke had basically moved in. But to appease Liz, he’d leave certain items at home that he’d need to collect. They’d share a morning coffee and a piece of toast before he’d come home to Calum, and they’d spend the day watching movies and reminiscing.

But Calum could tell Luke was getting restless. He missed his job, and he’d spent a few hours on the phone over the weekend setting up a few meetings here and there. He had studio space rented, and planned to align his schedule with some overseas bands that were in town.

Calum felt his phone vibrate against his thigh, and he didn’t need to check it to know it was from Luke. It was the gentle buzz that propelled him forward towards reception, four women sitting behind the marble desk wearing headsets.

“Can I help you?”

He offered what he hoped was an affable smile, and rested his forearms on the marble countertop. “Hi,” he greeted. “I’m here to see Luke Hemmings? He’s up in a recording space on the nineteenth floor.”

She looked down at her computer screen, and tapped a few buttons. “Which studio?”

Calum frowned, looking at his slip of paper. “Uhh, 323?”

“Can I see some ID?”

Calum’s frown deepened, but reached into his back pocket for his wallet, extracting his driver’s licence and handed it over.

“Thank you.” She clicked away at her keyboard, before reaching to her right. “This is for you,” she announced handing him a small key card and his licence back. “If you just go to your left to the elevator banks, you can scan your key before selecting the nineteenth floor. Once you reach the floor, use your key to hallway 1901, and suite 323 is three down on the right.”

Calum frowned, trying to commit the information to memory. “So, nineteenth, hallway 1901 and 323 on the right?”

She smiled. “Correct. Thank you, Mr Hood.”

Calum wandered away from the desk a little bewildered, looking down at the key card. It was non-descript and didn’t hold any information how to find Luke, to his disappointment. But fortunately, the elevator bank was easy to find, due to the fact there were _six_ in total.

Calum felt completely out of his depth as he got into a lift with six other people, all dressed in business attire. Compared to them, he looked _pedestrian_ and he hoped like hell he wouldn’t embarrass Luke.

He stood there, waiting for the doors to close, before someone bit out a remark behind him.

“Who didn’t scan their card?”

Calum flushed bright red and fumbled with the key card and quickly scanned it, punching the nineteenth floor, and watched the doors close. He shifted from his left to right foot, waiting impatiently for the lift to take them upwards.

He was last on the lift as a man in an impeccable suit stepped out on the fifteenth floor, and then Calum could relax and lean heavily against the wall of the elevator, tugging self-consciously at his t-shirt.

When the doors opened again, he stepped out cautiously, turning his head from left to right. He spotted hallway 1901 to his right, and headed toward it, scanning his card over the small card reader to the right of the door.

The light turned green and he eased the door open, and it was eerily silent. He knew, of course, that most of the suites on the nineteenth floor were recording studios, hence the quiet. The soundproof rooms were doing their job.

He reached suite 323 and passed his card over the reader, and eased the door open. He stepped into a dark room that had a control board, and through a glass window he could see Luke. He had his back to the window, but Calum smiled at his broad shoulders, a light blue button down shirt stretching across them, underneath a soft grey vest.

A semicircle of four guys sat around him, listening to him as he spoke. Calum felt a rush of pride and love and wanted to give Luke a kiss that described just how much he was adored.

He lingered just inside the door, feeling like he was intruding on whatever was taking place, his eyes on Luke’s back as the other four guys laughed, and Luke cast a look over his shoulder.

He was beaming when their eyes locked, and Calum stepped forward as if Luke’s baby blues were pulling him in. He got up off his seat, clapping one of the guys on the shoulders, and headed to the small door to the control room.

“Hey,” Luke greeted, pulling the door shut after himself.

Calum’s jaw hung open slightly, taking in the tailored grey pants Luke wore, and his impeccably tucked in shirt. His tie was navy blue, and Calum could see a gentle silver stripe as Luke got closer.

“Holy shit,” he whispered, his hands settling on Luke’s hips the moment the man was close enough.

“My eyes are up here,” Luke smirked, tapping Calum on the chin.

Calum raised his eyes guiltily, biting at his lip. “You are seriously fuckable right now.”

Luke laughed, leaning in to brush their lips together. “Not sure how Fall Out Boy would like that, though Pete Wentz has hit on me twice.”

Calum’s jaw only fell further, and he looked over Luke’s shoulder to see the band that he was surprised he hadn’t recognized.

He blamed Luke’s broad shoulders for that one.

“Fall Out Boy?” Calum hissed softly, ducking behind Luke again. “Why didn’t you _tell_ me?”

Luke smiled, taking Calum’s hand and led him across the control room, behind a bookshelf of microphones and equipment.

“And _who_ hit on you?” Calum added as an afterthought, his brain still ten seconds in the past as he tried to comprehend the fact there was only a piece of glass between him and one of his favourite bands from his teenage years.

“Cal,” Luke whispered softly, cupping his jaw. “Why don’t you pay attention, hm?”

Calum blinked, looking at Luke and immediately noticing how secluded they were behind the bookshelf, and how Luke’s eyes seemed darker than usual.

“Oh.”

“Oh,” Luke confirmed softly.

Calum grinned wickedly, pushing Luke against the shelf and captured his lips with his own. Suddenly there was heat, and Calum kissed like he hadn’t kissed Luke in days. He supposed the separation now that the younger man was back at work was obvious in the way they traded kisses, Luke’s lip ring dragging against Calum’s mouth.

“Did you,” Calum whispered, his hands untucking Luke’s shirt quickly. “Did you invite me down here to feel you up?”

Luke let out a breathless laugh. “Honestly, no,” he whispered, biting Calum’s lip. “But you have to admit it’s a good idea.”

Calum let out a grunt and got his hands on Luke’s back, running his hand down the back of his thigh and tugged him closer by the hips.

The younger man moaned, his fingers curling in the fabric of Calum’s t-shirt. “C-Cal.”

“Two weeks of no sex,” Calum mumbled, running his tongue over Luke’s lip ring. “We’ve done well.”

“Well, we’re about to go all the way if I get what I want.”

Calum laughed, grabbing Luke’s hips and pushed him away slowly, letting out a groan. “Jesus, Hemmings.”

The blonde laughed, his shoulders slumping as he leant into Calum, snuggling into his chest. “I missed you this morning.”

“I missed you too,” Calum mumbled, kissing his shoulder.

Luke sighed, nuzzling closer. “Wanna meet Fall Out Boy and have some lunch?”

“Hmm,” Calum pondered softly, his hands messily tucking Luke’s shirt back in. “You know what? Nah? I think meeting one of my favourite bands of all time is just a little too pedestrian, you know?”

Luke straightened up and rolled his eyes, tucking his shirt back in neatly. “I played them a few of our old songs, and they loved them.”

“Are you writing for them?” Calum asked excitedly, letting Luke lead them back towards the control room. “Or are you producing? What’s the new album going to be like?”

Luke laughed. “This is the first time I’ve met them. They’re looking for a producer on the next record.”

“Wow,” Calum breathed softly. “My boyfriend is totally awesome.”

Luke smirked. “I try.”

Calum swatted his ass gently, as the room to the recording studio was opened.

“Luke, we want your opinio- oh, sorry.”

Calum looked over at Patrick Stump and he felt like he was in suspended animation.

“What’s up?” Luke asked, tugging Calum toward the door.

“There’s this riff,” Patrick explained. “Joe thinks it’s bullshit, but it’s the ultimate test to see if you’re the right producer for us. Only if you’re not busy.”

Luke smiled. “No, it’s fine. This is Calum, by the way.”

“Oh, infamous Calum,” Patrick smiled, and extended his hand.

Calum shook it, his dark eyes wide as Luke led him through the doorway and into the studio.

“Hey guys, this is Calum,” Luke introduced, and Calum suddenly found himself shaking hands with every member of Fall Out Boy.

“Dude, _If You Don’t Know_?” Pete said as he squeezed Calum’s hand. “Genius.”

“Oh, I, uh, t-thank you,” Calum mumbled.

Luke squeezed his hip and dragged an extra chair over, that Calum greatly sunk into. The other five men launched into a discussion about guitar riffs, and Calum pressed his lips together tightly to keep soft little whimpers of disbelief behind his teeth.

He supposed this was just Luke’s life now. Meeting famous people and getting to know them, well enough to actually write music together, which Calum had always considered deeply intimate. He remembered so many writing sessions with Luke when they were younger that had led to heavy petting – or sex later on in their relationship – and Calum narrowed his eyes at Pete Wentz.

The idea of him hitting on Luke struck Calum with two very polarizing emotions; raging jealousy, and unbridled excitement.

Never in a million years did Calum think he’d have to stand up to the pint-sized bassist when it came to his relationship with Luke. At the same time, he was almost excited that Luke had the opportunity to be lusted after by a famous guitarist.

He was pulled out of his thoughts by a sudden guitar solo, the sound raw to his ears and made him wince. It had been so long since he’d heard something so pure, and he leant forward in interest as Patrick played the simple riff.

He looked at Luke, watching his reaction. As far as Calum could tell, it was a perfectly good solo, but Luke had spent eight years perfecting his hearing and his knowledge about music.

“No,” he said, interrupting, and Patrick abruptly stopped. “Joe’s right, it’s bullshit.”

Joe grinned smugly.

“Play it a step down, and a little faster.”

Patrick’s brows knitted together and he repositioned his fingers on the instrument, and launched into the same riff once more.

Calum wasn’t entirely sure what the difference was, but Luke grinned, and Pete nodded his head enthusiastically.

“You’re our producer,” Pete insisted as Patrick stopped playing. “I mean, if you want to be.”

Luke grinned and sat up straighter in his chair, crossing his long legs. “Well let’s book it in, gentlemen.”

Calum felt pride and warmth – and if he was honest, a little turned on – and when he caught Luke’s eye, he grinned wide.

Luke winked. “Can you pass me my diary?” he asked, pointing over Calum’s shoulder.

The older man turned, picking up the A4 sized diary that had almost twelve coloured post-it’s sticking out from it, and the spiral was already bent and the front cover was rough. He couldn’t believe they were only two weeks into the year, and Luke seemed to have something planned at least once a month until December.

“Thanks,” Luke winked, reaching for the ribbon at the base, and opened his diary. “So, when is good for you guys?”

“I want to tentatively say April,” Pete said. “But we’d have to speak with management. Are you going to be back in LA?”

Luke flipped to April, moving a pink post-it. “Possibly,” he nodded. “Are we thinking the whole month?”

“Our US tour ends April 4, and we plan to write on the road so it shouldn’t take much more than three weeks, if we’re as prepared as we hope.”

Luke grinned. “I’m going to tentatively jot down four weeks, finishing up in the first week of May. We can come back and make a change if needed.”

Calum felt a pout form on his lips at the idea of Luke going back to LA. He’d stupidly let himself believe that Luke would stay, that things would change and they’d build a life in Sydney. He knew it was ridiculous, that Luke would need to go where the job took him, but there was a part of Calum that wanted to be selfish.

“That’s great, man,” Patrick smiled widely, and extended his hand to Luke.

Luke shook all four hands, and Calum had that feeling of pride back inside his chest.

“I’m starving,” Andy sighed tiredly, and the band laughed.

“Right,” Luke nodded, fishing his iPhone out his pants pocket. “How about subs?”

Everyone murmured their agreement, and Luke placed a quick order. To who, Calum wasn’t sure, but when a gourmet platter of sub sandwiches showed up a half hour later, Calum figured whoever was on the end of the phone didn’t matter, not when the subs looked so good his mouth watered.

They all sipped on cans of Diet Coke and ate over shared stories and praise. Calum found himself in a lively debate with Joe Trohman about _If You Don’t Know_ , and had insisted many times that his prepubescent voice didn’t stand the test of time, and that someone could do it better.

That lead into the suggestion of rerecording the song with Luke, and Calum had deflected from answering the question and instead steered the question in the direction of new music.

Before he knew it, it was late afternoon and he was standing on the edge of greatness as he watched Luke watch the band jam, jotting down notes on a notepad in front of him. Calum was in awe, drumming his fingers on his knee as he thought of all the ways he was going to show Luke how proud he was.

“So, did you have a good day?”

Calum squeezed Luke’s hip from where his arm was tight around the blonde’s waist, under the soft fabric of his suit jacket. “I had a _great_ day.”

Luke grinned, letting Calum lead him to his car parked on the street. “You weren’t too bored? There was a lot of mumbo jumbo in there about producing.”

“Luke, it was incredible,” Calum insisted. “I had no idea what you do for a living. It’s so cool.”

Luke smiled tiredly, nuzzling in against Calum’s side as they stopped at the car. “It meant so much for you to be here today, and see what it’s all about.”

“I’m crazy proud of my talented boyfriend,” Calum assured him, pressing a kiss to his lips. “And I plan to show him just how much when we get home.”

Luke hummed into the kiss, letting Calum’s hands slide down over his rear.


	18. Together Burning Bright

“Happy birthday.”

Calum groaned, pressing his face into his pillow as the morning sun filtered in through the open curtains.

His apartment wasn’t much, he knew that. When he’d started looking not long after Ashton’s ultimatum all those months ago, he’d settled for the first thing he’d found that was in his budget. It was two bedrooms, one bath, with a sizeable kitchen and natural light. It wasn’t anything like Luke’s back in LA, but they’d managed to make it a home in the three weeks he’d been back.

“Oh, is someone sad he’s _thirty_ now?”

Calum lifted his head to glare at Luke, reaching out to shove weakly at his shoulder. “Fuck you. You’ll be here soon.”

“Ah, yes,” Luke nodded, wriggling closer. “But you’ll still be thirty first.”

Calum rolled his eyes, lifting his head to look over Luke’s shoulder at the clock on the bedside table. It was 8:15, and despite the early start, Calum felt well rested and somewhat excited. He was taking Luke to dinner that night at his parent’s place, looking forward to a quiet meal with the ones he loved, and hopefully a nice drive up the coast with Luke afterwards.

He’d expressed insistently that a party wasn’t necessary. Things were still so fresh after the wedding had been called off, and Calum wasn’t sure if anyone would want to come, considering he was in a serious relationship so soon after the break up.

The thought of it made him feel sick, and he had to push it all away and focus on Luke.

“So, you really have to work this afternoon?” Calum pouted.

“Sorry babe,” Luke said apologetically, pressing a kiss to his temple. “Just a quick meeting with the lawyers and commercial real estate guy. If I want to make a move, I need to figure out the capital costs.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Calum mumbled. “All that means is that you’re skipping out on me for my birthday.”

Luke smiled, running his palm up Calum’s bare back. “I’ll make it up to you.”

Calum grinned, rolling onto his side and tugged Luke in. “This is the best birthday present,” he said softly.

“Mhm?” Luke murmured.

“You. In Sydney, in my bed. Just you.”

Luke smiled warmly, the sun making his blue eyes an even deeper shade of cerulean. “Nowhere else I’d rather be.”

Calum leant forward, capturing Luke’s lips in a slow kiss. His hand slid down his ribcage to his hip, his fingertips slipping beneath the waistband of the horribly gaudy boxer briefs he had affection for.

Luke let out a soft sound, his own hands disappearing under the sheets to slide down the back of Calum’s thigh.

It was lazy, Saturday morning kind of kisses that Calum had fallen in love with. There was something about waking up next to Luke on the weekend, and knowing the younger man didn’t have to immediately crawl out from under the sheets to shower and leave for work.

Calum had always loved the weekends because it meant he didn’t have to teach, he didn’t have to answer to anyone and he could waste the morning in bed. And now that Luke was there, well, Calum didn’t mind wasting time with Luke.

“Cal,” Luke whispered softly, breaking the kiss to tip his head back as Calum’s lips dragged down his throat.

Calum’s eyes were shut, letting his lips lead his way over the skin he’d committed to memory. The stubble was new, the light scratch making his skin tingle, but it was familiar; it was home.

“Jesus,” Luke panted, nuzzling his way into Calum’s neck, biting at his collarbone.

Calum grunted softly, gentle when he pushed Luke onto his back and crawled on top of him, settling against his lithe body easily.

Luke whimpered, his hands flat against Calum’s back as his hips lifted slightly, shifting Calum’s leg higher between his thighs.

Calum’s lips found Luke’s again, biting at his lip ring before his tongue pressed between the younger man’s lips, his hands holding him up as his hips rolled slowly.

Luke gasped, pulling away from his mouth to groan. “Cal,” he whimpered softly. “Birthday sex, yeah? I think it’s time we broke our pact.”

Calum growled softly, nosing against Luke’s skin as his mouth sucked a dark bruise into the curve of his shoulder.

They’d made it three weeks without sex, and Calum had been shocked to find how smart that idea had been. Things weren’t complicated with needy, desperate sex. They spent their nights talking and laughing; reminiscing on their high school days, and the ups and downs along the way. What they had now was stronger than what they’d had in LA. Sex would’ve complicated things, and there was no way Calum had been willing to let complications arise now that he had Luke back.

“Yeah,” he groaned roughly, feeling Luke’s hands slide down over his ass. “Yeah, Luke. We waited long enough.”

Luke whimpered, his teeth closing over Calum’s earlobe gently, rocking his hips up against the older man’s thigh.

Calum hooked a hand under Luke’s right thigh, tugging the limb until it was bent at the knee, and slowly rolled his hips forward to illicit a reaction out of Luke.

He moaned, letting his head fall down onto the pillow, which gave Calum a chance to connect their mouths together in a slow, burning kiss.

He didn’t want to rush, not when they didn’t have to. It was exactly how Calum wanted to spend his birthday; slow, passionate sex with the man he loved.

There was nothing better than that.

It seemed to take forever to get a point where Calum’s hands had stripped off their underwear, and his hand was reaching under the sheet – between Luke’s legs – to press two slicked fingers inside of him.

It was familiar but exhilarating at the same time, and Calum captured all the moans Luke let out as he prepared him slowly.

But the blonde reached the point of no return, his hand clenched around Calum’s wrist, his breath coming in short, fast gasps.

“Cal,” he whispered, his eyes glassy as they focused on Calum. “Please, okay? Please.”

Calum wasn’t sure if he’d ever felt the amount of love, that he felt for Luke. It seemed to consume him; invaded every sense he had until he was breathing Luke, smelling Luke, tasting Luke. He couldn’t believe they’d lost so much time, that he hadn’t been doing this all of his adult life.

Luke wasn’t able to hold back the deep, guttural groan he let out as Calum finally pushed inside of him, slick and hot with the help of lube.

Calum’s teeth bit harshly at his lower lip, the slide easy as he bottomed out quickly, letting out soft gasps against Luke’s throat as they both took a much needed moment to process.

There was something about it, being joined so intimately, and Calum could feel his breathing even out as he took a moment to drag his lips over a few dark marks on Luke’s skin, and felt the younger man’s hands slide up his bare back.

“You’re beautiful,” Calum whispered softly, lifting his head so his eyes could find Luke’s.

Luke was flushed, his cheeks a perfect shade of pink as he curled one long leg over Calum’s hip carelessly.

“Seriously,” Calum whispered, kissing him slowly. “I’m the luckiest man on earth.”

Luke smiled against his lips, arching his back gently. “I love you, Cal.”

They shared lazy kisses as Calum’s hand slid down Luke’s thigh, guiding his leg upwards slightly. He was gentle when he finally moved, pulling halfway out before sinking back inside, and Luke was every bit the perfect picture of pleasure.

The pace was slow, Calum’s mouth pressed against Luke’s throat as the blonde whimpered and moaned, and there was no sweeter sound. Calum felt every breath pass through Luke’s mouth, felt every tense muscle and heard the sweet words whispered in his ear at each particularly deep thrust.

“Cal,” Luke moaned, fingernails digging into his shoulder blade. “Jesus, I’m close, Cal.”

“Yeah?” Calum murmured softly, his hand hooked under Luke’s knee to press it closer to his chest. “How close?”

“Jesus,” Luke whimpered, the slow, desperate movements making him shake.

Calum kissed him, each movement of his hips measured and purposeful. He wanted to watch the younger man fall apart, wanted to feel the desperation and love between them.

Luke cupped the back of Calum’s skull, sliding their mouths together slowly, his tongue curling around Calum’s as a moan was lost between them. His hips met each slow roll of Calum’s, and he let out a hiccupped moan as he tensed up and came over his stomach.

Calum groaned, his teeth closing on Luke’s lip ring, and after three messy, uncoordinated thrusts, he was coming quickly inside Luke, feeling the younger man shake beneath him.

He collapsed gently, hands clumsy as he tugged at Luke’s hip, his mouth searching out his for a messy kiss.

They laid there for what felt like hours, until their breathing slowed and Calum could think straight, pressing soft kisses against Luke’s chest.

“Happy birthday, baby.”

Calum laughed softly, picking up his head so his eyes could meet Luke’s. “Best birthday ever.”

Luke lifted his head for a gentle kiss, his legs collapsing down onto the mattress. “I don’t have to go for another hour.”

“Perfect amount of time for round two,” Calum grinned.

Luke snorted. “You’re not twenty-nine anymore, Cal.”

Calum rolled his eyes, his hand gripping Luke’s hip as he pulled out gently.

“Shit,” Luke breathed, snapping his knees shut once Calum had moved. “I’ve missed that.”

Calum’s cheeks flushed, and he collapsed down onto the bed beside Luke. “How are you so obscene without saying anything particularly dirty?”

Luke smirked, reaching over Calum to pluck a few tissues out of the box on the bedside table, and his hand disappeared below the sheets. “You’re a grown up, Cal. You can talk about coming inside me without blushing.”

Calum swatted at his chest, waiting for Luke to drop the tissues before tugging him in close. “How’d I get so lucky, hm?”

Luke smiled, his arms curling around Calum’s shoulders. “Technically, I shouldn’t be here,” he pointed out. “You’ve had a lot of chances.”

“I know,” Calum said softly. “And for some reason, you’re still here. Makes me the luckiest guy in the world.”

Luke kissed him softly. “You don’t have to think like that anymore,” he promised. “None of that matters now that we’re here.”

Calum nodded. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” he whispered.

Luke smiled. “That doesn’t sound half bad.”

**

“But I don’t wanna.”

“Oh _poor_ Calum. His hot, rich boyfriend wants to take him out for a _drink_ on his _birthday_. Yep, I can see now how utterly _devastating_ that would be.”

Calum frowned, his jaw locking as he considered hanging up the phone.

“Jesus Christ,” Michael griped on the other end of the line. “Would you suck it up and just go and meet Luke?”

Obviously, he just didn’t understand.

Luke’s _quick meeting_ had turned into a long one, and he’d been forced into drinks at the Marquee in Sydney to foster a possible business relationship with a corporate attorney. He’d been apologetic on the phone, and Calum couldn’t hold a grudge, but as he sat home alone – on Saturday, on his _birthday_ – he’d started to feel sorry for himself.

So he’d called Michael, hoping for some sympathy, but clearly, he’d called the wrong person.

“Cal,” Michael sighed, his tone laced with fake understanding. “Luke’s hot, yeah?”

“Well duh,” Calum muttered.

“And he’s amazing and you love him, right?”

“Mhm.”

“Then put on some skinny fucking jeans, catch a cab into the goddamn city, and let your boyfriend buy you drinks on your motherfucking thirtieth birthday,” Michael spat.

Calum pouted, letting out a sigh. “We have dinner at my parents place.”

“At seven-thirty,” Michael pointed out. “It’s now what, a quarter to six? You’ll make it into town by six fifteen, have a few drinks and let Luke show you off, and be back for dinner. It’s not rocket science.”

Calum knew he was right – and maybe that’s why he’d called Michael in the first place – but admitting defeat was hard.

“Seriously,” Michael sighed. “You decided to be completely _lame_ and do dinner with the parents instead of a legendary party, so let Luke take you out, okay?”

“Is he bitching?”

Calum rolled his eyes as Ashton weighed in on their conversation.

“Tell him to remove the stick from his ass and _go_!”

Calum frowned and made a mental note to tell Ashton just how much he was turning into Michael.

“I’m hanging up now,” he insisted.

“To get changed and to go and meet Luke?”

“Something like that,” Calum grumbled.

Michael snorted, laughed, and hung up.

**

Calum wasn’t sure what he should wear to meet a corporate attorney. A tie seemed too much, but he’d stood in front of the mirror for a good ten minutes, critiquing what he’d decided to wear. The black skinny jeans were a given – there was no way in hell he’d choose anything else.

The white button down shirt was the problem.

It looked too stiff, and he didn’t look comfortable and he was so damn worried about _embarrassing_ Luke that he went back into his unorganized closet to sift through his shirts. There were many – with holes in the bottom and tears at the collar and wrinkled so deeply that he knew he wouldn’t meet the dress standards of the club.

His eyes wandered over to Luke’s side of the closet, where his neatly pressed shirts hung and he crept his fingers towards them, gently sliding them across the closet rod.

Luke’s wardrobe was neat, organized. His suits were together, then his vests, then his shirts. The rest of his clothes – the weekend wear and casual duds – was in complete disarray, and Calum was certain that the only reason Luke’s work clothes were so neat was because he had them dry cleaned.

Calum found a pale blue shirt, and ran his fingers along the shoulder. It was soft, and impeccably pressed, and he couldn’t help himself when he grabbed the hanger and held it up in front of himself.

The small polo logo sewn onto the breast of the shirt told him it was expensive, but when he held it up in front of him so he could look into the mirror, he knew that he _had_ to wear it.

He quickly shed the boxy white shirt, and slid his arms into soft, luxurious fabric of the blue shirt. The tag said _Ralph Lauren_ , and while Calum didn’t know who that guy was, he wasn’t able to deny that the man was a genius.

The shirt felt like being hugged by a cloud, and Calum suppressed a whimper as he did the buttons up. It fit well – if not a little big around his shoulders – but it was passable. If Calum was vain, he’d puff out his chest and insist he looked _damn_ good, but he didn’t really have the time.

He slid on his watch and put on his shoes before making sure he had his wallet and phone, hearing the taxi beep from the driveway.

**

Calum realized it had been _years_ since he’d been to a club. He got out of the taxi after paying the driver, to be met with a long line of people waiting to enter through the wide double doors. There were two security guards, and Calum had almost made up his mind to call Luke and cancel; to get back into the cab and insist they’d just meet up at his parent’s place.

But the cab was pulling away and Calum felt a little stuck, his feet carrying him towards the end of the line, standing there awkwardly behind two girls that looked at least ten years younger than he did.

_Are you here yet?_

Calum looked down at his phone that he had clutched in his hand, to see a text from Luke.

His thumb hovered over the keyboard, ready to come up with a lame excuse. He bit his lip, feeling suddenly stupid in the expensive shirt, and even worse for thinking that drinks at a club did nothing but make him feel his age, each second he stood there.

_Cal?_

Calum sighed. _Out front._

_Great :-) be out in a sec xo_

Calum shoved his phone into the pocket of his jeans, and arched his head up to watch the doors. It seemed like no time had passed at all when he spotted Luke’s blonde hair above the heads of the other people in front of him.

Luke spotted him quickly, and a wide smile made its way onto his face, and Calum felt warm from that smile alone.

Luke patted a security guard on the shoulder and headed in Calum’s direction, his eyes faltering from his face to his chest, his eyebrows going up in surprise.

“My shirt?”

Calum bit at his bottom lip. “Is that okay? I just wasn’t sure what I should wear for drinks, and nothing I had worked, and I just…yeah.”

Luke smiled, reaching out to trace over the embroided logo. “No,” he said softly, his grin still wide. “It looks really fucking good on you.”

Calum laughed softly, reaching out to catch Luke’s hand. “Where’s my kiss?”

Luke smiled, leaning in to brush their lips together gently. “I’m sorry my meeting ran late.”

“S’ok.”

“No,” Luke said softly, squeezing his hand. “It was going good, but the guy is kind of a douche. Wanted to do tapas and cocktails but I talked him into a quick drink. It’s worth it if it means Hi or Hey can go international.”

“Luke, it’s fine,” Calum said softly. “You’re here with me for my birthday. Drinks with a douche is an hour that won’t matter in ten years, but you being here is what will.”

Luke smiled, pressing another kiss to Calum’s lips. “Let’s get inside then, yeah?”

Calum laced their fingers together and gave Luke’s hand a squeeze, and let the tall blonde lead the way.

**

Calum should’ve known.

He was disappointed in himself that he hadn’t worked it out, because _of course_ Luke had thrown him a surprise party.

He was _thirty_ , and his boyfriend was jumpy and nervous as he led them down a hallway, loud, raucous music bursting out of every nook and cranny of the club. It resonated in Calum’s chest, and there was no way Luke would hear him if he asked exactly _where_ they were going, but he got an eyeful of a shock of bright blue hair, and he knew.

“SURPRISE!”

His heart kicked in his chest as both he and Luke walked through a doorway obscured with streamers, and he laid eyes on his close friends and family. They were all clapping, holding up their glasses and cheering, and Calum just felt incredibly overwhelmed by the entire thing.

He knew that the end of his relationship with her would change things for some of his friends. There were friends that had been hers first, and he had expected them to choose her side. There were people they’d met as a couple when they’d done a cooking class a few years ago; a few of her work friends that had husbands he got along with.

He supposed the idea of a party was too much – he didn’t want to have to face a room that was lacking a few familiar faces. It would be the slap in the face he wasn’t ready for, to reinforce the fact he hadn’t just hurt _her_.

But her eyes were the first his landed on, and felt an overwhelming emotion build in his chest. He could feel Luke sliding his arm around his waist, and Calum hid a tearful smile in his chest.

Everyone was still cheering, moving forward to embrace him, and Calum wanted to be selfish and push them all away to have just a few more moments with Luke. To gather his emotions and to _thank_ him for going to all the trouble.

He hugged his mum first, whining about missing out on dinner. She promised him a lasagne for the following night, and he supposed he could accept that.

It seemed like it took forever to greet everyone, and there were people there he was sure wouldn’t be. Some of her work friends, and even her brother and his wife. They embraced him, wished him well, and offered to buy him a drink – and if he stopped and counted, there would be enough drinks to get him wasted for a week.

He spotted Michael’s blue hair again, and folded him in for a fierce hug.

“You fucker, you were too goddamn convincing on the phone,” Calum griped.

Michael grinned, though some of his spark was lost. “I feel really panicked.”

Calum let him go, cupping Michael’s face in his hands. “I’m really proud of you, Mikey.”

Michael smiled, looking over his shoulder to Ashton, and the older man put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“I-I don’t know how long I can stay,” Michael whispered.

Calum folded him into another hug, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Just the fact you’re here,” he said softly.

Michael nodded, his head movements jerky, and he held on for a long moment before letting go.

Calum hugged Ashton, and while the other man wished him happy birthday, it was clear his focus was Michael.

And Calum was okay with that.

He didn’t have much of a chance to talk to them before Luke was finding him, and tugging his hand, leading him over to the rest of the Hemmings family.

He got hugs and kisses on the cheek and felt bashful as Liz went on about how happy she was they were back together, that her son was back in town and deliriously happy. As good to hear as it was, he just wanted a moment alone with Luke.

Which the other man seemed to sense, and he dragged him away not long after Liz had hugged him for the third time, out onto a small terrace that wasn’t as busy as inside.

Luke nuzzled into his chest, and Calum let out a content sigh as his arms curled around Luke.

“You’re incredible,” Calum mumbled softly. “You did all this?”

Luke nodded.

“How much did you spend?”

Luke tutted, righting himself so his eyes could reach Calum’s. “You don’t need to know,” he smiled. “I was worried you wouldn’t like it.”

Calum smiled, reaching up to smooth his thumb over the collar of Luke’s white shirt. “I love it,” he assured him softly. “I love _you_. I can’t believe you did all this.”

Luke smiled. “It was easy. Though I did tell a few white lies when I said I was working, but doing a little party planning.”

Calum laughed. “You sneaky little shit. But, you did wonderful. Of what I saw, it was perfect.”

“Kind of a whirlwind, hm?” Luke smiled.

“Just a little,” Calum nodded. “So what else have you got planned?”

“Well,” Luke sighed, his hands rubbing up Calum’s back. “There’s the canapés and bar tab,” he mused. “Cake, karaoke and the strippers, of course.”

Calum laughed. “Strippers, hm? And here I thought it would be a classy event.”

“Oh Cal,” Luke teased, a grin on his face. “Nothing about you is classy.”

Calum laughed, smacking Luke’s shoulder. “You ass! If I recall correctly, you’ve been happy to live in my un-classy apartment and eat my un-classy food, so you really can’t complain.”

Luke kissed him softly. “No complaints here, baby.”

Calum suddenly wished there wasn’t a party; wasn’t a bunch of his family and friends inside, because he’d much rather be pushing Luke into bed for his second birthday present.

“C’mon,” Luke said softly. “Back inside, you’re the man of the hour.”

Calum grinned, taking Luke’s hand and let himself be led back to the party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I almost want to stop updating this because I never want it to end :( I have separation issues already, and I don't want to leave this world. I hope you will all stick with me for future Cake stuff!
> 
> There is only one more chapter left after this one, and then an epilogue! I am writing a new Cake story, but I don't know when I will start posting it! I like it so far (but this story will always be my baby) and I hope you will all like it too!
> 
> Special thanks to thewintersoldier, reader000, puppies, Ishi, rivergirl, fivesecondsofslash, princessluke, fuckmehoodings, calum_xxx_hood & aalexandravictoriaa for their comments, and thanks to everyone who has read/subscribed/secretly sobbed over this story! It means the world to me!
> 
> Until next time!
> 
> xoxo  
> Jenna


	19. Find A Way

“Jesus.”

Calum groaned, dragging his lips up over Luke’s adam’s apple, his hands cupped around his narrow hips, encouraging the slow, desperate roll of the other man’s hips.

Everything seemed to be underwater – Calum could thank the alcohol for that – and the moment they’d spilled out of the cab in front of the apartment block, Luke’s hands had been groping at Calum, their mouths fused together as they stumbled their way up the stairs to the third floor, letting themselves into the darkened apartment messily.

They’d stumbled over their discarded shoes, Luke’s insistent hands shoving Calum down onto the couch as he struggled out of his button down shirt, before sliding into Calum’s lap. That’s when Calum lost track of time, Luke’s mouth on his, Luke’s hands tugging open his belt.

His head was pleasantly heavy, rolling back on the couch as Luke rolled his hips down against Calum’s, his  moans and heavy breathing the only sound in the otherwise darkened apartment.

“Cal,” Luke panted.

Calum lifted his head slowly, blinking heavily as his eyes found Luke’s, could see the hazy desire in the dark blue depths. He grinned, his nose scrunching as Luke mirrored the expression, leaning down to kiss him slowly.

Calum groaned into his mouth, hands tugging at Luke’s hips, wondering at what point the other man had taken his pants off.

It motivated him to do the same – to get as naked as Luke.

His hands were clumsy as they went to the blue button down he still wore; unbuttoned and hanging open. He tried to lean forward to peel it off, without having to move at all.

“No,” Luke whispered softly, stopping his hands. “Leave it on.”

Calum grinned slowly. “Can I take off my pants then?”

Luke smirked. “Oh I’d insist on it,” he almost purred, crawling clumsily off Calum’s lap to aid in the mission, tugging the tight denim off and flung them over his head.

The haziness seemed to take moments of time, and Calum wasn’t aware when Luke took his boxer briefs off, or when the younger man pried his own off, too.

His eyes were raking over Luke, his head thrown back and cock heavy and hard against his abdomen. His head was tipped back, soft mewls coming out of his mouth as his hips rocked down against Calum’s own desperate erection.

Things fast forwarded to a point where Luke’s tongue was wrapped hot around two of Calum’s fingers, his eyes hooded and spit spread over his bottom lip. He was utterly obscene, and Calum didn’t know thirty could feel that good.

There was a moment when Luke groaned at the first, slow press of Calum’s fingers. The small wince of pain Calum didn’t miss, and he was about to apologize – to ease those two fingers out to start over with one – when Luke moaned, his hips rocking down slowly to take in more.

Calum was amazed – dumbstruck was probably the better word – and couldn’t help but to reach down to stroke himself, needing to take the edge off.

Luke was distracted, his lip ring tugged between his teeth as his hips rocked down, accepting the pain and pleasure of the slow, measured movements of Calum’s fingers.

And Calum knew that this alone, the picture of Luke riding his fingers, would be enough to get him off. He was more than happy to jerk himself off, knowing that the high that could come from the picture in front of him was enough to sear his very soul.

But Luke was greedy, his mouth moving so quickly Calum couldn’t understand the words, and for a clear, lucid moment, he regretted the small glasses of amber liquid that had been pushed into his hand more times than he could count.

There was a part about this that he wanted to remember, a part of Luke he was seeing that was so pure, so innocent.

“Cal, c’mon,” Luke panted, leaning down to slide their mouths together. It wasn’t anything more than sharing the same breath, but it got the point across all the same.

“Lube,” Calum murmured, removing his fingers gently.

“You think I’m getting up?” Luke panted, a grin on his face. “Just spit.”

“Ahh, here’s to teenage memories.”

Luke snorted, pressing his nose against Calum’s throat as he almost _giggled_. “You did _not_ just say that.”

“Hey, it’s not good sex unless I reference one of your pop punk mega hits.”

Luke grinned, his hands settling on Calum’s shoulders. “As much as I’d like to mock you further, I’m kind of really desperate for your dick.”

“I noticed,” Calum grinned.

“Who knew thirty would be this good?”

Calum lost time yet again, his memory sucked away as Luke eased up on his knees, their hands fumbling between them before finally – _finally –_ Calum was pressing inside.

It was an aching, jaw-clenching pleasure, and Calum knew Luke had to be feeling it ten times more than he was. His half-lidded eyes found Luke’s face, saw the pinched expression and his teeth digging into his bottom lip, and again, he was ready to slow down, to support Luke’s hips to keep him from sinking faster, when all of a sudden, Luke’s ass was seated completely in his lap.

“Jesus Christ,” Calum groaned, his head tipping back once more.

“Yeah,” Luke panted, his hand on Calum’s shoulder moving to touch his neck, leaning down to kiss over his tanned skin.

Calum’s hands moved from Luke’s hips to the curve of his rear, cupping his cheeks gently, eliciting a whimper from the younger man.

“Shit,” Luke breathed.

“You like the pain,” Calum murmured, nuzzling against Luke’s jaw.

“Not so much,” Luke mumbled. “It’s a necessary evil I don’t mind putting up with.”

Calum grinned, squeezing Luke’s ass. “I think you like it.”

Luke laughed. “I like you. How you make me feel. Knowing it’s you inside me, it’s just…it’s only ever been you, Cal.”

Calum bit down on his bottom lip, feeling a shiver pass through him. “I love you.”

“Mhm,” Luke mumbled softly, pressing a dry kiss to Calum’s throat as he sat up slowly, soft moans escaping his lips. “I haven’t done it this way in a while.”

“Backseat of Jack’s car,” Calum mumbled. “Remember? The one time he let us borrow it when mine was out of action.”

Luke laughed softly. “Should’ve used a condom. He _still_ mentions the come stain on the back seat.”

Calum leant forward to nuzzle Luke’s throat gently, hands moving up his back before sliding back down to his rear. He mouthed slowly at Luke’s skin, licking over his pulse point as Luke’s head tipped back and he exhaled softly.

“M’gonna try,” Luke murmured after a moment, his hands cupping around the back of Calum’s neck, guiding his head up so their lips could touch in a soft kiss.

Calum sat back once Luke’s lips left his, and he sucked in a breath as Luke rolled his hips. “Fuck,” he groaned softly, his eyes falling shut.

Luke let out a shaky breath, hands gripping the fabric of the blue button down, twisting it tightly in his hands as his hips found a slow rhythm. It was slow, gentle, everything the sex that morning had been.

And as good as it had been – and as much as Calum wanted _more_ – there was something more urgent taking place.

It was hands all over one another at the party, Luke having to push Calum’s hands away when bidding goodnight to his parents, Luke’s hands moving to unbutton Calum’s pants in the cab.

They were teenagers again – despite Calum’s milestone birthday – and the urgency built quickly.

It wasn’t long before Luke was trying to bounce gently in Calum’s lap. He had tight hold of the button down, his lip ring tugged tightly between his teeth as he used his long legs to attempt the movement.

He winced as he came back down too sharply, but the sound was drowned out by the deep, dark moan that came from Calum.

His hands were still cupped around Luke’s ass, supporting each roll of his hips as he tried the movement again, and not before long, Luke was a pro.

He was bouncing somewhere between excruciatingly slow and desperately fast, yet it was somehow perfect. Even as Calum lost time, and fixed his eyes on the picture before him.

Luke was all but riding him perfectly, his head tipped back as he used the desperate hardness of Calum’s erection inside of him to pleasure himself, his hands balled tightly and clutched in Calum’s shirt, each hard press of his hips eliciting moans and gasps of pleasure.

Calum wanted to pause it, to take a mental picture of the perfection that was Luke, but he could tell the other man was close, that his end was nearing quickly, and Calum had a front row seat.

“C’mon,” he whispered, sitting up to mouth at Luke’s throat. “I wanna see you let go.”

Luke whimpered, one hand coming up to cup the back of Calum’s skull, the other balling into the shirt tightly.

“You’re so close,” Calum whispered, biting at Luke’s collarbone.

Luke’s movements got more frantic, bouncing himself quickly in Calum’s lap, using the desperate, driving pain and pleasure to get him there, his body trembling until going taut, his nails digging into Calum’s skin as he came with a soft cry of the older man’s name.

He crumbled against Calum, arms wrapping around his neck as he panted quickly into his neck.

Calum’s arms slid around him, holding him close as he trembled and came down from his high, breathing hotly against his skin.

Calum pressed soft kisses against his heated skin, hands mapping his body slowly, still desperately hard and oh so close. It was hard to keep his hips still, and he felt them move involuntarily.

Luke mewled.

“Sorry,” Calum whispered. “Just…hop off, I’ll come on your belly.”

Luke nuzzled his nose against Calum’s neck. “No,” he whispered back. “Want you to come inside me.”

Calum let out a soft whine at the absolutely wrecked tone of Luke’s voice. “S’ok,” he mumbled. “Don’t have to.”

“Want to,” Luke whispered. He pressed a kiss to Calum’s throat before sitting up again, hands at his shoulders as he started to roll his hips again, groans falling from his lips at the overstimulation.

Calum wanted to object, wanted to insist Luke didn’t have to take it, but he knew there was no point. The other man would do what he wanted, and Calum couldn’t deny just how good he felt.

In no time at all Calum was panting again, hands at Luke’s rear and bouncing him a little faster.

“Close?” Luke whispered.

Calum nodded, his eyes half-closed as he stared at Luke. “Baby, you’re incredible.”

Luke moaned softly, his eyes falling shut.

Calum swore, biting at his bottom lip. “Clench,” he groaned. “Please, baby. Clench for me.”

Luke’s nails dug into his shoulders harshly, his body contracting sharply around Calum’s erection.

The older man groaned, his hips trying to thrust upwards. “Again, please Luke, need you.”

Luke leant his forehead against Calum’s shoulder, letting out a soft sob as he tightened around him again.

Calum could feel the stars burst beneath his skin, could feel the fire start to spread through his belly. Luke was perfect, everything he needed, and on the third desperate clench of his body, Calum was coming quickly, nails moving to dig into Luke’s hips, to drag him down as he trembled and released inside of him.

Calum was almost asleep when Luke was mumbling something against the skin of his throat and he was blinking heavily.

“Happy birthday, Cal.”

He smiled, stroking Luke’s lower back. “Thanks baby. Though I’m pretty sure it’s Sunday already.”

“Mhm,” Luke mumbled. “But you’re thirty. It counts.”

Calum licked over his lips, letting out a tired sigh. “We should bed.”

Luke sighed. “I haven’t given you my present.”

“Two orgasms and a surprise party wasn’t enough?”

Luke hummed softly from where he was tucked up under Calum’s chin. “There’s a gift. A wrapped gift.”

“Can we do it in the morning?” Calum asked around a yawn. “Just want to snuggle you some more.”

Luke laughed gently. “That involves moving, which involves gravity.”

Calum let out a rough laugh. “Coming inside you not so smart when you’re on top?”

“Which is pretty much the main consensus when Jack brings up the come stain in his car.”

Calum ran his hands up Luke’s spine to his neck, fingertips pressing against the bumps of his spine. “You go get into bed, I’ll get a wash cloth.”

Luke let out a dissatisfied sigh, sitting up slowly. “Help me out?”

Calum lifted Luke gently, and dealt with the unpleasantness of the aftermath of their lovemaking, and watched the younger man head down the short hallway to the bedroom – naked – and couldn’t help the smug smile on his face.

He sat there for a moment longer, his head resting on the couch as he sucked in a slow breath. He wasn’t sure how he’d ended up where he was, when just six months ago he’d been engaged to someone else. Planning a life, a marriage and a future with a woman he had loved.

He didn’t know how he’d managed to push Luke out of his mind for those eight long years, but he was so glad – so relieved – that Luke knew him better than he knew himself, and showed him what he’d been missing.

The thought put a smile on his face as he dragged himself up off the couch, in search of a wash cloth and then his boyfriend.

**

“So, Calum. Do you plan on marrying my son?”

Calum choked, his fork clattering down onto his plate as he gasped for air around the perfectly delicious roast chicken that was trying to kill him. He felt his face go red, felt the soft pat on the back from Luke, and could feel six pairs of eyes staring him down, waiting for his answer.

“Mum,” Luke sighed softly, cutting through the tense silence that followed Liz’s question.

Liz smiled innocently, lifting her wine glass off the table and took a dainty sip. “Oh relax, honey,” she smiled. “Calum can tell when I’m joking.”

She was right.

He could tell when she was joking. He’d spent as much time with the Hemmings family as he had with his own through high school. They’d sat around the same dining table countless times before, getting roasted about school and the future and their relationship, and Calum knew he’d never forget the time Liz bought up safe sex in front of the entire family.

So yeah, Calum knew her pretty well.

He also knew that she _wasn’t_ joking when she asked her question.

His eye caught hers and she winked, and he felt his stomach clench with anxiety. It wasn’t a question he wanted to answer. Not after only three months of being back together with Luke, and especially not with the giant question mark of LA hanging over their heads.

Hi or Hey was going ahead internationally, and Luke was busy putting it all together. He had estimated being back in LA by the start of March, but that date had passed two weeks previously, and instead he was fully immersing himself in the mammoth task that had become the expansion of his company.

And Calum couldn’t be more delighted.

School holidays had ended and he’d gone back to work with a renewed vigour, throwing himself into his students and curriculum, and finding that the reward for putting so much effort in was worth the late nights he spent thinking of new ways to engage his students.

The fact that Luke was there – asleep in their bed only just down the hall – had Calum’s spirits high. No matter how late his night was, he was crawling in beside his best friend and lover, and nothing could beat that.

But now Liz was shining a spotlight on something that felt too soon to contemplate.

“Well, am I going to see another one of my sons become a husband or what?”

Calum knew that the hidden insinuation in her words was directed towards Ben.  She’d been on at him to propose to his long-time girlfriend, Chloe, but he was stubborn and refusing to let his mother push him along.

Which meant – Calum supposed – that Luke was the second target.

“Mum,” Luke whined, his brows creasing. “Seriously?”

“Hey, I’m just glad it’s not me,” Ben smirked.

Liz did narrow her eyes in his direction and he promptly shut his mouth.

Calum could feel the heat in his cheeks as everyone moved on from the topic, and listened to Jack start to recount a gripe he’d been having at work. Calum was relieved that the attention was off of him, but he could feel Luke’s eyes on him, could feel the tension emanating from his right side, and Calum was suddenly faced with the question Liz had asked – and he had no idea if Luke would want an answer.

**

“Do you want to?”

Calum hummed, tugging Luke towards him where they lay in bed, the covers bunched around their feet, and the gentle March breeze blowing through the open window. He ran his fingertips over Luke’s hips, over the nail marks he’d left only an hour ago when he’d been on top of Luke – _inside_ of Luke – and making slow, passionate love to him.

But he knew the question was coming. He’d known when they’d driven home after dinner and the mood in the car was subdued and without conversation. They’d listened to the radio, holding hands across the centre console, Calum’s thumb passing over the back of Luke’s hand.

He’d almost been relieved when they’d stepped inside and Luke had kissed him, dragging him down the hall to their bedroom before going down on his knees for Calum, and had given them the reprieve from the question for just a little while.

But Calum was on the edge of sleep when Luke finally asked, and his sleep-addled brain couldn’t comprehend it for a long moment, but he could feel Luke’s hand cover his on the younger man’s hip, and Calum knew that he could fob Liz off, but not Luke.

“Do you?”

“Cal,” Luke sighed. “I asked you first.”

Calum pressed his lips to the back of Luke’s neck, his hand moving to lay against his abdomen. “I don’t know,” he murmured honestly. “It’s been three months of really good stuff, Luke. But the other shoe will drop and you’ll need to go back to LA, and then we’re faced with the same problem as last year.”

Luke stayed quiet.

“What are you thinking?” Calum asked softly.

Luke swallowed. “That you don’t want to marry me.”

Calum crushed his eyes shut and took in a deep breath before opening them again, and tugged at Luke’s middle. “That’s not true.”

“Sounds like it.”

“Luke,” Calum mumbled, moving backwards so he could pull Luke more firmly, wanting to look him in the eyes. “It’s not that I don’t want to,” he assured him softly. “Things have been so good between us, but you live in Los Angeles, and I live here. If we’re serious about making our relationship work, one of us has to move.”

“It’s not that easy, Cal.”

“I know,” Calum said softly. “And I don’t know if I can just move to LA.”

“So that’s what it comes down to?” Luke asked, kicking the sheet up to tug over his naked body. “We break up because it’s _hard_?”

“What? No,” Calum said, shaking his head. “We don’t break up, not at all. But we’ve been living the last three months knowing that at some point, you have to go back.”

“I don’t want to do long distance,” Luke said. “I don’t want to say goodbye to you again and have it feel like eight years ago all over again.”

Calum leant down and kissed him softly. “We’ll figure it out,” he promised softly, lips brushing over Luke’s. “But of course I want to marry you.”

Luke smiled. “I want to marry you too. When the time is right, and not at my mother’s insistence.”

Calum laughed softly. “Good to know.”

Luke fell quiet, and Calum settled in against him again, his eyes slipping shut.

He was almost on the verge of sleep again when Luke’s words cut through the silence.

“Do you want kids?”

The wave that crashed over Calum was painful, remembering his joy at the sight of the positive pregnancy test. He could remember the excitement, and the thought he’d had at the idea of being a father. He knew he wanted that, he’d wanted that with her. But with Luke…

“You don’t have to answer that,” Luke said quickly. “I…it’s kind of insensitive of me to ask.”

“It’s okay,” Calum said softly, carefully. “Obviously, I was happy that she might’ve been, but it didn’t work out.”

Luke rolled over, his hand settling against Calum’s bare chest. “It’s too much,” he whispered. “Marriage and kids and trying to think about the future.”

Calum stroked over his jaw. “Do you want kids?”

Luke nodded quickly, and Calum already knew that. Luke _loved_ kids, and would dote heavily on his cousins. He was always the favourite, always the one the kids would fight over, and he would spend hours rolling around on the floor with them, and tickling them until they squealed.

Luke was _made_ to have kids.

“Do you want them with me?”

Luke nodded again. “I always did, Cal. I know it’s not easy, and I know that it’s easy to say it, but it’s ten times harder to do it. But I want that with you. Marriage, kids, a house. I guess that’s where I stand in this relationship.”

Calum swallowed thickly, feeling a little short of breath. The conversation seemed too much, despite their history. He’d been in love with Luke for most of his life, yet the idea of talking about their future was making his heart pound.

“You don’t want to, do you?”

Calum leant in and kissed him softly. “I want to be with you for the rest of my life,” he murmured. “And yeah, I want a marriage and a few kids, but what I want more is to figure out the next few steps. You’ve been working so hard to expand the business, and I don’t know what that means. All I know is that you’re this crazy amazing writer/producer, and it makes sense for you to live in LA.”

“Cal,” Luke said softly, interrupting him gently. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot,” he confessed. “Where I’m supposed to be in relation to the company, and our relationship. Obviously, for you and me, it makes sense to be here. You’re settled, you have your job and Ashton and Michael and your family, and you don’t like LA.

Then I have to think about the company, and you’re right – it makes sense for me to be based in LA. That’s where the work is, and that’s where I make the biggest impact. But in eight years, I have built my record company into something bigger than I ever imagined. I have bands rearranging _tours_ to work with me. I’ve worked with great people, and hired great people. And I think – with a lot of input and back-and-forth trips, that I could – _possibly_ – base myself out of Sydney.”

Calum blinked, his brows knitting together as he stared at Luke.

“Cal?”

Calum’s frown deepened, and he shook his head. “Wait, what?”

“It won’t be easy,” Luke said quickly. “I’m going to have to go back to LA and meet with my staff and work out schedules. I’ll probably have to travel a lot too, but all we can do is try, right?”

Calum gripped Luke’s shoulder, his frown still in place. “So you’ll live here? In Sydney?”

“Yeah,” Luke smiled shyly. “Either here, or we can get a new place. I can focus on up and coming bands here in Sydney, and sign some new bands to the label. I’ll have to honour my commitments, but I’ll try, okay?”

Calum’s chest felt tight all over again, and he stared at Luke in disbelief. “Really? I mean, you’ll do that?”

Luke cupped his chin, leaning in to kiss his lips. “You tried for me, remember? And these past three months have been amazing and I don’t want to leave. And I’ve been forcing myself to think logically, and stop going with my heart, because obviously my heart is with you. But I can’t let that override what’s best for Hi or Hey.”

Calum nodded quickly, his hands pulling Luke in. “I get it, I do. I want you to make the right decision and for the right reasons.”

“I love you,” Luke said softly, fingertips against Calum’s jaw. “And what’s best for us is me being here, and what’s best for the label is branching out.”

Calum kissed him softly, feeling overwhelming joy bloom in his chest. The idea of the best three months of his life having to end was gone, and now he knew that no matter what, Luke was staying.

There wasn’t any better news than that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess this is it! The last "official" chapter of Yesterday's Feelings. I feel so ambivalent, unsure if I'm excited to share it with you all, or absolutely heartbroken to know this journey is ending! I want to thank everyone who has read this story (over 5200 of you!) and who have taken the time to comment and share your thoughts with me, it is so incredibly appreciated. 
> 
> Special thanks to reader000, puppies, Ishi, Sohomotho, aalexandravictoriaa, LiveLife_ShipCake, calum_xxx_hood, fivesecondsofslash, forest_of_flowers, lxcifxrhemmo and awfuldaycupcake for their comments on the last chapter!
> 
> Some of you have mentioned prequels/sequels/one-shots...I will say, I'm not opposed to the idea, and if I had an idea I would probably run with it, but for now...I think this story is done. I'm working really hard on my new Cake story (which is VERY different to this one) and I look forward to sharing it!
> 
> Also, what does everyone think about 'She's Kinda Hot'? I LOVE it, and am loving the new direction the guys are going in with their music! 
> 
> To end this long rambly note, I'm actually off on holiday on Monday (I'm going to Fiji) so the epilogue won't be up until I get back in two weeks, so please leave all your lovely comments for me to read while I'm gone!
> 
> xoxo  
> Jenna


	20. Epilogue - Evolution

“I had no idea that I’d end up here, with my best friend. No one thinks that when they’re stupid kids and causing trouble, that the person next to you – your partner in crime – would somehow be the person you want to spend of your life with. And not just the good moments, either. I want the fights and silent treatment and money worries that come with _marriage_. I want the fights over dirty dishes in the sink, and the way you wrinkle your nose when I don’t pick up after myself. Because I’d rather have all those less than perfect moments with you, than a lifetime of perfect ones with someone else.”

Luke pressed his nose into Calum’s jacket, inhaling slowly.

Calum laughed gently, his hand reaching down to curl around Luke’s, giving it a gentle squeeze. He knew the emotion coursing through the younger man’s veins, because he could feel it running through his, too.

The moment was surreal; one that Calum couldn’t have imagined witnessing.

But it was happening – Michael and Ashton were pressed tightly together, holding onto one another as they laughed and cried through their vows, completely oblivious to the very small gathering of people in Calum and Luke’s backyard.

Calum wasn’t sure what he was more proud of – the fact that after a few weeks of talking Ashton down off a ledge so he’d gather up the guts to propose – or the fact that Michael stood in a beautifully tailored suit, without having a breakdown.

Calum had prepared himself for it, though he hoped it wouldn’t occur, and he knew that no matter what, Michael would have the wedding he deserved. He had the pills in a small container in his pocket, his hand curling around them at a few different times as the day moved on, waiting for the tremor in Michael’s fingertips or the desperate look in his eyes.

But they never came.

Calum had grabbed him by the lapels of his dark suit to drag him in, pressing a solid, loving kiss to his lips before holding him to his chest in a crushing hug.

Michael had laughed, had joked that maybe Calum needed the pills instead. It was enough to break the moment, and they’d dissolved into laughter as Michael’s dad popped his head in to check on them.

And now, Calum was standing with Luke’s hand in his, watching his best friends get married.

It had been a crazy year, and Calum was sometimes blown away to realize they were creeping up on Luke’s thirty-first birthday, that the sale of their first home earlier in the year had gone through without a hitch.

Everything had changed, and Calum couldn’t remember what life had been like before reconciling with Luke. He just got lost in the moments – like Michael mentioned in his vows – and there was some small, some big.

Calum decided to make more of his life as a teacher. An opportunity to become the head of department of the health and physical education sector at his school was something he couldn’t ignore. He wanted _more,_ even if it meant longer hours with little pay, and headaches and fighting tooth and nail to get the position.

Calum had got the good news shortly before Christmas the year previous. He was about to get a massive raise, and with that, massive responsibility. Which he had panicked over, of course, and Luke had talked him down off the ledge more than once, with fierce kisses, declarations of love, and enough faith that had Calum believing he could do it.

Luke himself had international artists flocking to Sydney for his expertise, and despite the nagging insecurity that maybe moving back to Sydney would hurt the business too much, he was rewarded with accolades he’d only dreamt of receiving.

They would fight over who would pick up the dry cleaning, and how Luke never seemed to remember when Scooby needed dog food. They’d bicker over wet towels and hair products and groceries, but in the end it was always soothed with kisses.

Calum couldn’t remember ever feeling happiness quite so deeply before. It was as if his life was inside a glass bubble, and despite the fragility, it felt like it would last forever.

“Cal,” Luke mumbled, squeezing his hand.

Calum smiled, pulling Luke in against his chest as he looked up at their friends, where Ashton’s shaky fingers were guiding a gold band onto Michael’s ring finger.

They stood under a white arch, decorated with the delicate lilac flowers of the scaevol aemila – which translated to _new wonder_ – and Michael was insistent that the flowers be featured _everywhere._

 _“This is our new wonder,”_ he’d insisted, and so the delicate blossoms were everywhere. They were pinned to the lapel of everyone’s suits, and Ann Marie wore a corsage around her wrist.

Luke had insisted that their wedding gift – with Calum’s express insistence – that they’d be honoured to host the small wedding and reception in the spacious, lush garden of their backyard. The dining room was dressed in white linen tablecloths, and a small catering team worked hard to prepare the three-course meal that awaited them.

And when Michael had said _small_ wedding, he wasn’t wrong. It was family only – the Irwin’s stood proudly, Lauren’s arm curled around her mother’s waist as she pressed a tissue to her eyes. Harry’s lips were pressed together tightly as he fought to keep the emotions in, and Calum hadn’t been able to hold back his smile when he saw that Daryl’s hand was laced tightly with Ann Marie’s.

Luke was pressed tightly to Calum’s side, the romanticism and emotional vows stirring the feelings inside both of them. It felt so right – complete. That Ashton and Michael were always meant to end up beneath an arch wrapped tightly together as their celebrant guided them through the intimate ceremony.

Calum felt a few tears slip out as the two kissed for the first time after their vows, and his mouth sought out Luke’s as well.

Luke laughed against his lips, his hand squeezing Calum’s hip gently. “I love you so much.”

Calum nodded, reaching up to cup Luke’s jaw to press a few soft kisses to his lips. “And I love you. So much, Luke.”

Luke smiled, his eyes fluttering closed and his lip ring tugged between his teeth.

“You’re so beautiful,” Calum mumbled.

He slid his thumb across the apple of Luke’s cheek, his fingers stroking over his jaw. The emotions were too much, and he was aware of Michael and Ashton trading kisses as the photographer snapped away, but Calum was stuck in the moment – stuck with Luke.

“C’mon, we should see how the caterers are going,” Luke mumbled.

Calum shook his head. “I want to marry you,” he whispered. “I want to marry you just like this, Luke.”

Luke smiled. “Someday soon, I hope.”

Calum opened his mouth to speak, but he felt fingers tug at his jacket sleeve, and he looked over at Michael, with his glassy eyes and trembling chin.

“Cal.”

Calum smiled, squeezing Luke’s hand before wrapping his arms around Michael, and tugged him in. “I’m so _proud_ of you,” he mumbled in the other man’s ear. “Really, Mikey.”

“Thanks,” he breathed softly. “Kind of on the edge of a panic attack though.”

Calum nodded. “You want a time out?”

Michael nodded quickly, his fingers digging into Calum’s back.

Calum let him go and took his hand, giving it a comforting squeeze as he caught Luke’s eyes.

The other man nodded, reaching out for Ashton to whisper softly in his ear.

Ashton’s hazel eyes immediately found Michael’s, and the question in them was full of so much concern and love.

Michael smiled and nodded his head, and Calum tugged him away for a moment.

They didn’t speak until they reached the side gate of the yard, the noise fading slowly the further they got. Calum didn’t say anything, giving Michael the opportunity to, when he wanted to.

He twisted the gold band on his finger, leaning up heavily against the rendered brick wall of the house.

“I’m married.”

Calum smiled. “You are.”

Michael laughed softly. “How the fuck did that happen?”

“Well, there was the romantic proposal,” Calum pointed out. “And the fact that it was a no brainer – you and Ash belong together.”

Michael’s cheeks went pink and he smiled. “I’m really happy, Cal. I’m terrified that I’ll disappoint him, but I’m happy.”

Calum reached for his hand, squeezing his fingers. “You could never disappoint him,” he soothed. “He looks at you like you strung the stars in the sky for him.”

“He’s right, you know.”

Michael looked over at Ashton, and smiled.

“You _did_ string the stars in the sky for me.”

“Ash,” Michael smiled. “I might be a crappy husband.”

Ashton shrugged, sliding his hand into his trouser pocket. “So might I. And maybe I want a crappy husband.”

Calum smiled, slipping past the two men, feeling as though the moment should only be shared by them.

Plus, Calum didn’t want to be further from Luke than he needed to be.

**

Calum always knew he was going to propose to Luke. He’d known it for most of his life, and even more during the last eighteen months. It was just a matter of _when_ , and Calum really didn’t think it’d be at two in the morning after Michael and Ashton’s wedding.

When he’d had to march Luke upstairs and insist that they could tidy up in the morning, choosing instead to have a hot shower trading slow, passionate kisses before stepping out.

Calum had dressed first, stepping out into their bedroom to fold the sheets back on their bed, catching sight of the unlit candles on the dresser. Calum wasn’t into candles, but Luke had received a gift basket from a client, and Ashton had been really excited about the brand – Glasshouse – so Calum figured they were good.

He found matches in their hall closet and lit the two candles on the dresser, and ones on either side of their bed, and realized that it was time – he was going to propose.

“Candles?” Luke asked as he stepped out into the room. “You realize that if we fall asleep with them burning, we could burn the house down.”

Calum smiled. “I’ll make sure I blow them out after.”

“After?” Luke queried.

Calum reached out for his hand, and dragged him further into the room.

Luke hung the towel he was using to dry his hair over their laundry hamper, and raised a brow. He was dressed in a pair of Calum’s sweatpants and a worn Nirvana t-shirt. He was rumpled and damp and _beautiful_ , and Calum wanted to marry him.

“Cal?”

“Hi,” Calum murmured, pulling Luke in to rest his hands on his lower back. “Do you know how much I love you?”

Luke ran his hands up Calum’s bare arms to rest on his shoulders. “I have an idea.”

The older man smiled. “Good, because I don’t have time to tell you. I don’t want to go on and on, because we can do that in our vows.”

Luke frowned.

“Shit, Luke,” Calum laughed softly, moving his hands to grip his hips, squeezing gently before letting go. He sucked in a breath – feeling nervous all of a sudden – and dropped down onto one knee.

“Cal,” Luke mumbled, his eyes widening. “W-what are you doing?”

Calum took his hand, squeezing it gently. “I don’t want to wait anymore. I don’t want to do it _one day_ , because I want _one day_ to be soon. Now, tomorrow, whenever,” he insisted. “I don’t want to just be your boyfriend anymore. I want to give everything I have to you, and I want to be your husband.”

“Oh-I, jeez, _shit_ ,” Luke whispered.

“Luke, baby,” Calum whispered, leaning in to press his nose against Luke’s abdomen. “Will you make me the happiest idiot in the world and marry me?”

Luke’s hands tangled through his damp hair, raking through the strands. He was quiet, his words lost, and Calum looked up at him to see if he was okay.

He could see the tears in his eyes, and the way his teeth tugged sharply at his lip ring. “Baby?”

Luke sniffed, letting out a laugh. “Jesus, of course I’ll marry you, Cal.”

Calum grinned, nuzzling against his stomach once again. “Say it again.”

Luke laughed, fingers tugging gently at the wet strands of Calum’s hair. “Yes, I’ll marry your stupid ass.”

“Then I’m officially the happiest man on earth.”

Luke raked his fingers through Calum’s hair, tilting his head back. “Are you gonna come up here and kiss me?”

Calum looked up at him, at the age lines at the corners of his eyes, and the tiredness in his blue depths. His blonde hair was damp, unstyled, and he was rumpled and warm and wearing one of Calum’s t-shirts. He was real and everything Calum had ever wanted.

“Why don’t you come down here?” he smiled, tugging on Luke’s hand.

Luke laughed, rolling his eyes as Calum managed to tug him down onto the plush, cream carpet.

“You ready?” the older man asked softly, their hands joined as they lay on their back, staring at the ceiling.

Luke squeezed his hand. “Never been more ready, Cal.”

Calum turned to look at him, and leant over to seal their engagement with a kiss.

**

Calum blinked his eyes open slowly, staring at the back of Luke’s neck. He wasn’t sure what time it was, though their room was still fairly dark. He let out a soft groan, crushing his eyes shut tightly. There was no way he wanted to be awake if he didn’t have to be.

His left arm was draped over Luke’s narrow waist, and he ran his palm up his bare abdomen, hand sliding up his ribcage. His eyes opened, looking at the contrast of his skin against Luke’s.

Luke was all pale skin and soft edges and absolutely beautiful curves. Calum wiggled his fingers against his ribs, watching as the gold band of his wedding ring caught the gentle light of their bedroom. Sometimes he would catch a view of his ring, and would always feel such emotion bloom in his chest with memories of their wedding day.

It had been so small and intimate; a private ceremony on the beach in May, followed by a barbeque reception surrounded by their closest friends and family. There were tears and flowers and vows and laughter, and Calum wished he could redo the day, over and over.

There was something about holding Luke’s hands underneath an altar, looking him in the eye when they pledged to spend the rest of their lives together. He was almost certain his heart would never be able to love any deeper or desperately, than it did standing on the soft sand.

“You’re awake.”

Calum smiled, wriggling closer to press his lips against the back of Luke’s neck. “So are you.”

“Cal, it’s before five,” Luke sighed tiredly. “We don’t have to be awake yet.”

“Ah, but here we are,” Calum murmured softly.

Luke let out a soft grunt. “I’m not putting out,” he said flatly. “If I have any hope of having the afternoon off, I need to cram eight hours of meetings into four, and I can’t do that if you’ve worn me out.”

Calum smiled, tugging Luke back against his front. “I don’t just want you for your ass, baby.”

Luke snorted. “Then let me go back to sleep.”

Calum smiled, fingers skating up over Luke’s chest. “I love you.”

“Jesus,” Luke griped. “I love you too, dumbass. But I’m _tired_ , and you don’t have to work today.”

“Oh, don’t I?” Calum questioned, lifting his head off his pillow to stare at the bassinette a few feet from their bed. “She says otherwise.”

“ _She_ should sleep for another hour and a half,” Luke pointed out. “Which means _we_ could sleep for another hour and a half. But you’re being annoying.”

Calum smiled, knowing there was no heat to Luke’s words, in fact, he understood them perfectly. They’d been cranky and exhausted for almost six weeks now, and they both knew that wouldn’t go away for the next eighteen years or so of their lives.

But they’d known what they were getting into when they decided to have kids. It had been months of a rapidly growing pros-and-cons list – listing all the pitfalls of parenthood and just how much _harder_ life would be – but in the end, the cons hadn’t mattered.

They were thirty-five and it felt _right_. They were almost four years into their marriage and both extremely successful in their careers. Luke knew he could dial things back, and Calum hadn’t thought twice before taking a leave of absence from work as soon as they had a due date.

He’d never forget the phone call from their surrogate, the excited _it happened, I’m pregnant!_ That had them both crying tears of joy and clinging to one another in bed. Knowing that after the three failed attempts at implanting the embryos, they were _finally_ going to be parents.

The picture of their future kept Calum awake at night, feeling so incredibly blessed that Luke’s cousin had donated her eggs, and that their child would be biologically a Hemmings and a Hood. Calum thought about the Hemmings’ blue eyes and his own dark hair, and that sweet, maddeningly cute dimple on his husband’s cheek.

Would their child have the same sweet expression? Would she have Luke’s passion and Calum’s easy going nature? Would she be musically gifted or into sports?

Those were the questions that ran through his head since finding out they were expecting a daughter, and now that she was there – that she was _theirs_ – it didn’t stop there. He looked at her with her wisps of dark hair and light grey eyes and her tiny fingers and toes and he wondered how on earth he was ever going to let her go.

“Let’s have another one.”

Luke snorted. “You’re insane. Absolutely not.”

Calum smiled, kissing over his shoulder. “C’mon, Ellie is so cute, how can you not want more?”

“Quite easily, actually,” Luke insisted. “We haven’t slept properly in months, and sometimes I’m not even sure if I’ve changed her nappy, or if I imagined it. Give me five years.”

Calum smiled. “I’ll ask again in two.”

Luke snorted, letting out a tired sigh. “I miss her so much when I have to go to work.”

“I know,” Calum mumbled. “We miss you too. It’s not the same without daddy.”

Luke hummed. “Why don’t I call in today, hm? We’ll do laundry and tickle her toes and have sex when she naps.”

Calum laughed softly. “Sounds like heaven.”

Their soft, whispered words were interrupted by the soft, insistent cries that came from the bassinette.

“Oh come on,” Luke breathed, lifting his head to look at the clock. “Five-fifteen? She hates us.”

Calum smiled. “I’ll go.” He patted Luke’s hand and sat up slowly, letting out a tired sigh as his back cracked.

He slid out of bed and padded over to the bassinette to see their daughter – Elliot Elizabeth Joy – as she let out a few pitiful cries, her fists balled and her face red.

“Oh honey,” he cooed softly, picking up a flannel wrap and laid it over his shoulder before scooping her up gently, cradling her tiny frame against his shoulder as he wrapped the blanket around her. “It’s okay, you just wanted to say hi.”

He bounced her gently as he headed back to the king bed, Luke sitting up and leaning back against the headboard, a tired smile on his face.

“Gimme,” he smiled, extending his hands for her.

“No,” Calum pouted. “I had to get out of bed to get her, so she’s mine.”

Luke rolled his eyes. “Don’t hog the baby. I want to snuggle her.”

Calum climbed back onto the bed, rubbing Elliott’s back gently to soothe her. “Alright, fine,” he mumbled, detaching the newborn carefully, and passed her to Luke.

“Oh baby,” Luke cooed immediately, wrapping her up a little more securely. “Why are you awake so early, hm? Is your tummy hurting?”

Calum smiled, feeling heat spread through his chest as he watched Luke hold their daughter. He would never get sick of the sight, his husband reduced to nothing but soft words as he soothed her, cradling her gently in his arms with all the love in the world.

“You’re staring.”

Calum blinked, smiling at Luke. “I love you, a ridiculous amount.”

“I know,” Luke smiled. “You tell me every time I hold her.”

Calum leant over and pressed their lips together gently. “You’re my soul mate, and I can’t believe you picked me.”

Luke cradled the baby safely with one arm, the other reaching out to drape over Calum’s shoulder, fingers skating through the dark curls at the base of his neck. “Let’s have another one.”

Calum laughed, settling beside his family, a protective arm around Luke’s shoulders. “Alright baby, let’s do it again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, first of all, I want to make a recommendation. DON'T listen to Sam Smith's 'Lay Me Down' while you read this, or you WILL tear up, just as I have done. I always read the chapter before I post it (mostly to check for any spelling or grammatical errors) and it's always so rewarding to me to reread my own words. I experience it as you do, and that's a special thing. 
> 
> This epilogue means so much to me, but I will admit, I didn't like the ending very much. I thought ending it with Luke and Calum having a child was cliche, that it was such a textbook fan fiction ending. But then I realized, why shouldn't it end this way? They would have kids, if this was real in some crazy alternate reality. So, the epilogue stands as it is, and I love it. I am so proud of it, and of this story and I feel so honestly blessed to have people read this. 
> 
> Anyone can post anything they write online, but it's so incredibly special to know that this story has effected people like it's effected me, that people are touched and love it so much. I can't possibly begin to explain how this much means to me, being just a random person writing from my house in Australia, I have touched over 5800 people with this story, and that is amazing. 
> 
> Thank you, thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to everyone who read, liked, commented, subscribed to, gave kudos, recommended, talked about, thought "Fuck yes, Yesterday's Feelings was updated'...just. Wow. Thank you.
> 
> So for the last time on this story (hold it together, girl!) special thanks to Ishi, thewintersoldier, calum_xxx_hood, awfuldaycupcake, thatfangirlingfreak, lxcifxrhemmo, puppies, reader000, aalexandravictoriaa, cakeismyweakness and flor for their comments on the final chapter of Yesterday's Feelings. 
> 
> Please come find me on tumblr at crash-queen. I love meeting new people, and making new friends. 
> 
> Until the next story,  
> xoxo  
> Jenna


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